Eddie's Little Secret
by jajo
Summary: What is real and what is fiction? Bc right now Edward is a player with a harem of 8 women, Bella could care less about Edward's love life, Emmett and Jasper are the perfect couple, Alice is an ice queen clueless about her looks, & Rosalie can avoid love.
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks to my master-beta RoseArcadia for her help with this story.**

Edward's POV

"Yes, so I need you to send two dozen roses to Dinorah Camille as usual," I told my assistant first thing in the morning. "The florist should already have her address."

"So I take it you had a _productive_ weekend then, Mr. Cullen," Bella replied, arching one eyebrow at me.

I sent her my most rakish, panty drenching smile at her and simply said, "Miss Swan, you know I never kiss and tell." Bella appeared unaffected by my smile and unimpressed by my words. She typed a note in her computer, I'm assuming in regards to the flowers, in her efficient manner and then gave me a bland smile, clearly dismissing me. I picked up the coffee she had ready for me every morning and walked into my large office.

It was damn disheartening. I had been lusting after my assistant for the last two years and been possibly in love with her for the last nine months, or at least since Christmas when I'd seen her standing under the mistletoe and almost, almost, kissed her on the lips. But then common sense had reared its ugly head, and I'd swerved at the last minute and just laid my lips softly against her cheek.

But my heart hadn't been able to change directions as easily and it fell, hook, line, and sinker, for her big expressive brown eyes, heart shaped face, and wicked laugh. Not to mention her soft heart, third grade humor, or her slammin' ass.

I sighed softly to myself, disgusted that I was still following Emmett's advice, even though Bella was obviously unaffected at having to send flowers yet again to one of my ladies. I rotated weekly between eight lucky ladies, my harem, as Bella called them. Every weekend I went down the list and selected another one to have a fictional date with. Then on Monday I'd get my beautiful assistant to send that fortunate lady expensive flowers. Always roses. Always red.

Bella, I knew, preferred wild flowers.

The scheme to get Bella jealous was even more convoluted than just sending a lady flowers.

Emmett would then tell his best friend Rosalie all about my decadent weekend; the tales we hoped she in turn shared with her roommate Bella. Unfortunately, I didn't always get a say in what tales Emmett told. I'd only recently found out that I was a member of the mile high club, loved blow jobs in seedy bar bathrooms, and had beat up a couple of competing suitors.

Yeah, this whole thing was genius Emmett's idea. I had to get him to lay off the romance novels.

I sighed again as I looked at my neatly organized desk. Bella had been here and I could make out the faint scent of freesias and strawberries. _Damn, I was going to have to work with morning wood again_.

I plowed through this morning's galleys, gave my stamp of approval to a couple of cover mock ups, and returned phone calls. I was vice president of the nonfiction division of a notable publishing house, which had been owned and run for several generations by my mother's family. My older brother Emmett was VP of the fiction division, which included fantasy and romance novels. I am sure reading those manuscripts is how he came up with half of his lame ass ideas.

Of course, I was the douche who went along with so many of his lame ass ideas.

Which is how I'd become a man whore, despite not having gone on a date for the last year and a half. Fucking Emmett.

Our little sister Alice was VP of marketing and promotion. She and our mother Esme - Madam President - handled the business side of the company, allowing Emmett and I the creative freedom to find and develop new writing talent.

Our dad Carlisle was the only Cullen not part of Cullen Publishing, Inc. Instead, he kept sane by hiding out at Seattle Grey Hospital as its Chief of Staff. Wuss.

I looked up at the clock on the wall and swore. I was going to be late for lunch with Jasper and Emmett.

I grabbed my jacket and wallet, stuffing them into my back pocket.

"I'm off to lunch with Emmett and Jasper at the _Le Madeline_ around the corner," I told Bella as I dashed by her desk.

"Give my regards to the lovebirds," she said with a cheeky smile.

Yeah, she was talking about Jasper and Emmett. Yeah, she did think they were a couple. As in the spooning and picking-out-china-sets kind of couple.

Fucking Emmett.

I was around the corner and almost to the elevator when I realized that I'd forgotten my damn cell phone. I swore and headed back to my office to get it.

Just before I turned the corner, I heard Rosalie's voice. I skidded softly to a stop. I didn't really want to talk to her right now, because I didn't know what load of crap Emmett had fed her this past weekend at their weekly Sunday brunch. I didn't want to talk to her until Emmett and I got our stories straight.

So instead, I skulked and eavesdropped. Just so I could hear when they left the office, of course.

"So did Jerkward send flowers to another one of his harem" asked Rosalie, her husky voice instantly recognizable.

_Jerkward?_ _Was Rosalie referring to me?_

"Yeah," said Bella. Did I just hear her sigh? "It's disgusting that he has a harem of women who he rotates through. What kind of skanks does he hook up with? What kind of self esteem issues do they have if they can all share him?"

"Who knows what diseases Eddie is carrying?" asked Rosalie, evidently disgusted with my pretend lifestyle.

"I just can't believe how cavalier he is with their feelings. He must be bipolar or something. Because he is totally not like that at work-he's thoughtful and very polite. And he is so protective of Alice - he's a great older brother."

Kill. Me. Now.

"Suave Mr. Cullen by day and Jerkward at night, huh?"

"Something like that," agreed Bella. "Can you pass me the salad?"

Fuck! Not only does the love of my life think I'm a jerk, she and the Queen Bitch are eating lunch at her desk. I knew getting my cell phone was a lost cause.

I ordered my feet to move but they refused to obey. Instead, they remained glued to the floor, my ears open wide.

"So how is Emmett doing?" asked Bella.

"He's great. We had a great time at brunch and then we spent Sunday afternoon watching movies and he painted my toenails," replied the Queen Bitch. "He's having his regular drama about Jasper and he's worried sick about Jerkward. He thinks we should have an intervention or something."

_Note for tomorrow's agenda: kill Emmett._

"He thinks that we need to get Edward to meet a nice girl and settle down," she continued, oblivious to my murderous thoughts. "Actually, Emmett has this crazy idea that you and Eddie should hook up and make beautiful babies."

_Reprieve. _I imagined pulling a guillotine up just before it sliced off Emmett's head.

"Jerkward would make pretty babies," replied Bella. _Did I hear wistfulness in her tone?_ "The Cullen men are all so good looking. Too bad Emmett is gay. Why are all the good ones married or gay?"

"Emmett and Jasper make the best couple, though," said Rosalie. "They give me hope for all the rest of us slobs. "

_Wait until I tell Emmett! _

"It's a shame that Alice didn't get any of the Cullen charms or looks," mused Rosalie.

"She's just very dedicated to the company," Bella replied, defending my recluse of a sister. "Cullen Corp is her whole world; she doesn't have time for anything else but it and her family."

"What a shark."

"Well, Edward is very fond of her. She and her mother seem to be the only women he can have a genuine relationship."

"God, Edward is such a jerk. He wouldn't know how to be in a relationship if it bit him on his cute ass," Rosalie stated, crushing any hope I might have had about one day hooking up with Bella under her maneater shoes.

Especially when I didn't hear Bella defend me as she had earlier with my sister. Bella and my sister weren't much more than acquaintances, and I thought I was at least her friend.

Fuck.

**Author's Notes: **What do you think?????

Please remember to vote in the Indie TwiFic Awards for the Good Looking Stalker Guy (Best Crackfic and Best Non Edward/Bella Story) at http[colon forward slash forward slash]theindietwificawards[dot]com[forward slash]votingclosed[dot]aspx starting on the July 22, 2009. Sorry I have to type web address in code or it won't appear on the page. You can also just google the Twi Fic Awards. Thanks!! 


	2. Chapter 2: Partner Abuse

**Thanks for the great reviews! This chapter is dedicated to Night Orchid, Elf-a-Roo, awesome author and friend XXSkittlesXX, lovedforeternity, and Katherine Rosalie Hale who left such lovely reviews last chapter. **

**Edward's POV**

"Dude, what took you so fuckin' long?" growled Emmett around a mouthful of food. "We would have waited but you know how I get about the tomato basil soup here and all the free bread to mop it up with.

I smiled at the carnage around Emmett. His maturity level never progressed past the age of four as evident by the piles of crust surrounding his soup bowl.

Jasper was finishing up his chicken salad croissant and I was about to start in on a French roll. No wonder everyone believed two of our trio was gay. I counted my blessings that I was the known heterosexual of the group.

"Sorry, I realized that I left my cell in my office and almost walked in on a Rosalie-and-Bella gossip klatch at Bella's desk," I told the guys between bites. Fuck manners, I was hungry!

"What were they gossiping about?" asked Emmett, his mouth full.

_Oh, if Queen Bitch could only see him now. There'd be no letting him paint her toenails after that. _

"Well, Rosalie couldn't stop gushing about what a great couple you two are," I told them. "She feels you two lovers are an inspiration to all of us."

I heard an _eep!_ behind me and we all turned. A really pretty redhead was blushing like crazy and looking at Emmett and Jasper with large eyes. She _eeped_ again, turned around, and practically ran out of the restaurant.

"Jeez, you two," complained Jasper. "She and I were playing eye tag and I was about to bust my move. How am I ever going to get laid with the two of you around?"

"What?" shrieked Emmett in a falsetto. "Are you cheating on me, Jasper Whitlock?"

"Emmett, so help me..."

"Partner abuse!"

I burst out laughing. "Come on, guys, you know you love each other. Just kiss and make up."

Both guys squealed, "Gross!"

And we settled down to eat again.

"Seriously, guys," said Jasper, who was munching on potato chips. "When I agreed to be Emmett's gay beard, I didn't realize how much of a cock blocker it would be."

I looked at him incredulously. "You didn't think telling people you were taking it up with ass with Emmett would cost you some snatch?"

_Ok, so maybe I was overcompensating. That was beyond crude even for me. _

I'm fairly secure in my masculinity, but still there are limits. And Emmett manages to smash through every single fucking one of them when we're in public.

"Hey, first of all, I tell people that I am the top and Emmett's my bottom," replied Jasper. _Fuck he was making a list again. _I leaned back and prepared to be schooled by Professor Whitlock.

Emmett snorted and interrupted the list with, "As if anyone believes that, pretty boy." Jasper shot him a stare that promised painful retribution.

"Second, I tell everyone I am bi and you have no idea what a challenge girls find that..."

"That is the most insane thing I've ever heard," I told him, stealing a chip and hoping to end the list.

"Third," he continued as if I hadn't interrupted, " I only agreed to this little charade because Emmett was supposed to pony up **ten** months ago and tell Rosalie that he was in love with her. And, fourth, it got your crazy stalker of a sister off my ass."

"Alice is way too good for your skinny ass," Emmett said. "If you ever touch her, I'd have to kill you."

"Dude, for the millionth time, I think of Alice as my little sister," Jasper said. He shuddered, "I could never look at her in any other way."

"So it was easier to pretend to be gay with Emmett then tell Alice you aren't that in to her?"

"In a word: yes! At least now she's not showing up in my apartment butt naked at five in the morning-Emmett, you know I didn't even look at her... much. Damn, dude, fuck that hurt. Partner abuse!"

"Well, it is Alice," I put in, shuddering at how determined (aka stubborn) my little sister could be. She ruled her department at Cullen Publishing with an iron fist. And if you threw mom in the mix, it was no wonder Emmett and I had so much trouble with women.

"So what did you tell Rosalie I was doing with Dinorah this past weekend?" I asked Emmett.

"Oh, you were pretty tame this past weekend, you minx, you ," Emmett dropped the pitch of his voice, until he sounded like a tv game show host. "You and Dinorah enjoyed a quiet weekend in bed, sans any clothing. You only came up for air to enjoy a late night skinny dipping session in your apartment's pool."

"That's not too bad," I said. "I can't figure out why Bella and Rosalie were trashing me so much."

"Oh, did I forget to mention that you also had Mary over?" Emmett said innocently. "Three for tea, and tea for three," he sang happily while munching a pickle.

I hit my head against the table. Over and over again until Jasper stopped me and pulled me up.

"It's not working, guys," I told them, my despair pretty much overwhelming me. "All I am doing is supporting the floral industry. Bella isn't jealous and she despises me. I give up."

Both guys protested half heartedly, but we all knew that Emmett's grand scheme had failed to win the ladies of our dreams

"Plus, the only action Emmett has gotten in the last six months is painting Rosalie's toes!"

Jasper and I burst out laughing while Emmett scowled at us. He crossed his huge arms across his chest and flexed his muscles.

"Will you paint my nails too, sweetie?" asked Jasper while batting his eyes furiously at Emmett. He looked seriously deranged.

"I'll paint your toenails!" chirped a feminine voice from behind. "It'll be fun!"

We all groaned. Evidently even being in a committed gay relationship wouldn't keep Jasper safe from my sister.

"Oh, Alice. That is so sweet of you to offer," said Emmett. "But I think I can handle painting my boyfriend's toes. "

"Then I'll let you suck each of them, you bad boy," Jasper said huskily to Emmett, blowing him a kiss.

Alice's smile fell a little and I felt a twinge of guilt at denying my baby sister her heart's desire. But, then again, her heart's desire was Jasper who _was _a selfish man whore. Emmett used a lot of Jasper's real life episodes for fodder for my imaginary sex life.

"Oh, okay, well let me know if anyone wants to go shopping this weekend," she said, twirling her impossibly long hair between her fingers. "I was hoping to maybe figure out a wardrobe that doesn't scream my mommy dresses me. I'd love some help."

Both Emmett and Jasper groaned and shook their heads no.

"Gosh, for a couple of gay guys, you too sure don't like to shop," she mused.

"Can't paint all of us with the same stereotype, babe," said Emmett, a bit condescendingly.

"Besides, I am bi," chirped Jasper. Alice brightened a bit and puffed out her nonexistent chest. "But then I found the right man and I am in committed, loving, _committed_ relationship. With a _man_. With your _brother_."

Alice finally got the hint and left to go sit with some other ladies I recognized as employees in the PR department. I was glad she had other people to sit with because normally she'd have sat with us but since we'd embarked on this charade, we'd kind of had to shut her out.

"Do you still want me to suck on your toes, lover?" Emmett called to Jasper.

"Bite me," said Jasper softly and he kicked Emmett under the table, while waiving to the coworkers. "Ta-ta," he called to them.

"Partner abuse."

Does anyone else wonder about my sanity?

Fuck.

**Alice's POV**

I walked away from the love of my life, rejected yet again. Jazz didn't even want me in his life as a friend and that really hurt. I heard him yell "Ta Ta" to my promo team and the sick feeling in my stomach grew.

I didn't realize that when I declared my love to him a year ago that he would completely cut me out of his life. And, honestly, I probably deserved it.

It really hurt that my brothers, even the one who wasn't boning Jasper, had also kicked me to the curb. The cheese stands alone.

I had known Jazz practically my entire life. He'd move to Forks from Houston, Texas, when he was eight and his parents had divorced. He moved in right next door and since he and Edward had been in the same class, an almost instantaneous best friendship resulted. I was the five year old bratty sister who followed them around.

I pursued them closely because even at five years of age I'd known Jasper Whitlock was the boy for me. I remember the first time I saw him-he was entering our house with a huge smile across his face and the sun backlighting his golden curls. His smile was missing one of his top front teeth and he had a huge smudge of dirt under his left eye. He was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen.

When Jazz had told me last year that he could never see me as anything more than a kid sister, I'd taken it as a challenge to make him see me as a woman.

I'd shown up at his Intro to Civil War History class in revealing clothing I'd borrowed from my mother's closet and he'd scowled at me during the entire class. After class, he'd forbidden me from attending any of his other classes. Campus Security actually had my picture in their office. How embarrassing.

I'd taken a stripping class, thinking it would make me more sexually confident and attractive to men. When I'd accidentally left the brochure out at my apartment , Jazz had given it to his latest flame and I'd had to go to class hearing all about his sexual prowess from super skanky white trash Lauren. Then I had to sit through a family dinner where she'd entertained the guys by demonstrating my awkward dance moves. No one had defended me. I was, as I always will be, the awkward, plain wall flower.

The worst was when I showed up at Jasper's apartment in the middle of the night-using Edward's spare key that I had stolen. I'd gone drunk off my ass, naked under a trench coat, and burst in on Jazz playing the horizontal hokey pokey with another woman-not Lauren. She'd invited me to bed. He'd kicked me out of the apartment, the scowl firmly in place.

And he'd refused to be in the same room with me alone since. Afraid, I guess, that I wouldn't be able to resist him and that I'd throw myself at him. This sadly probably wouldn't be that far from the truth.

I was probably lucky he hadn't taken out a restraining order against me.

But who would have thought he'd hook up with Emmett? At first, given the timing of events, I'd thought he was pretending to be with Emmett to throw me off the track. I mean, since I was five I'd made it my life's purpose to know every little bit I could about Jazz and I'd been absolutely shocked to find out he was a bisexual.

And now, in a tragedy of Shakespearean proportion, Jazz was going to end up my brother-in-law. Because he and Emmett _really _were in love. It was so obvious-they constantly bickered and flirted with each other. I guess that is why neither could ever settle down in a serious relationship with a woman, they just needed to admit their feelings for each other.

And it sucked balls that I was jealous of my older brother, that I wanted my own happiness at the expense of his.

So as I half heartedly ate my lunch I felt myself dying-I'd planned our meeting at _Le Madeleine _because I'd overheard Edward's assistant Bella telling someone in my group that is where the guys were meeting. I may not be able to have Jasper Whitlock, but a sick, masochistic part of me wanted to be around him.

I had to stop.

It was time to move on.

I needed do something I hadn't been able to do since I was five: I needed to move on from Jasper Whitlock.

Fuck knew how I was going to do that.

_No, bitch, you do know how to move on. You need to get your own damn life. And you need to cut Jasper and anything related to him out of your life. _

My heart sank as I realized that I'd have to cut my family out of my life as well.

I quickly excused myself from the lunch meeting that I'd been completely neglecting anyway, citing a headache. I barely made it up the elevator and to my office before the damn broke and the tears began.

A tiny voice asked how I was going to move on if I kept indulging in these self pity parties, but my pain overwhelmed the voice.

"Alice? Are you okay?" came a soft, feminine voice from the door. I paused mid sob, cursing myself for forgetting to lock the door.

I whirled around to see who'd discovered my pity party and looked into the brown eyes of Bella, Edward's assistant.

"It's nothing," I said, hastily wiping my eyes and straightening my hair. Shit, I bet I looked fabulous. "Please don't tell Edward you saw me crying."

Bella entered my office and shut the door behind her. "Of course not, sweetheart, it's none of his business. But, Alice, what is wrong? You sounded as if you are in complete pain. Are you ill?"

I'd never really been close to Bella Swan. I knew her from my workday interactions with my brother Edward. She was his competent, quiet, mousy girl Jane. The woman who kept him organized and on task.

But I needed to confide in someone or I'd explode. My family and this company were my whole life, I'd never had the desire to develop more than the casual friendship with anyone outside my family (and I am including Jazz as part of my family).

I needed to find a life outside my family, and Bella's kindness, coupled with her reputation for being discreet, tore down my reserves. I found myself confessing all.

And I do mean all-once I started with my tale I couldn't stop. I told Bella how I'd dressed up as a punk rocker throughout my freshmen year of high school because Jazz had been into the Ramones and how I'd camped out with him and Edward to follow around Nirvana, pretending I liked to wear tons of flannel and not bathe.

At one point Bella had interrupted me to call Edward. I'd tensed as I listened in on her discussion, afraid she'd disclose to my older brother that I was in my office five floors up having a nervous breakdown.

Instead, I'd relaxed when I heard her tell Edward she needed the rest of the afternoon to help a friend with some personal issues.

She considered me a friend.

"How about you join me and Rosalie, my roommate, tonight for dinner and dancing?" she asked once she mopped me up and helped me freshen up. Thank goodness, VPs scored their own personal bathrooms directly off their offices.

A part of me felt bad for taking advantage of such a sweet girl who was only inviting me along because she felt sorry for me. But a larger part of me, the part that was ready for me to get over he-who-will-not be-named was excited.

This felt like a new beginning.

I smiled tentatively and agreed.

Bella came up and gave me a small hug. 'See you in an hour," she called out before she shut the door.

I stared blankly out the window. Then I gasped. I needed to get home pronto to figure out what I was going to wear-which pretty much meant _what I had in my closet that didn't look like it was straight out of an Ann Taylor catalog_. The selection was small because I wasn't much of a shopper. Plus, I needed to take a shower and beautify myself.

How was I going to accomplish all that in an hour?

I threw open the door, grabbed my coat and umbrella, and raced down the hallway. I turned the corner and collided with a big guy, yelled a "sorry" and ran for the elevator.

I'd made it into the elevator just as the doors were closing, I whirled around to shout another sorry at whoever I'd run into before the elevator doors completely closed, and stared into the shocked grey eyes of Jasp... I mean he-who-will-not be-named. The sorry dried on my lips and mercifully the doors closed.

Suddenly I wasn't as excited about going out anymore.

Fuck.

**Author Note:**

**For all my fans of GLLTSG Alice's POV may be a bit of a shock. Its a bit of a departure from my normal schtick. Eddie's Little Secret will have some drama, but I promise there will be laughter as well. Alice will get hers.**

**When I wrote this I was thinking about Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream and Love Labour's Lost.**

**I am at a conference next week (I only wish it was TwiCon) so I will not be able to post or respond to reviews until next week. But I promise I will use the time away from kids and hubby to write. **

**What do you all think?**


	3. Chapter 3: He who will not be named

**Thank you also to all the great reviews. I am so glad so many people like this story, bc I had such a blast writing it. **

**This chapter is dedicated to Katherine Rosalie Hale for being my first reviewer. **

Bella's POV

I was really glad I'd invited Alice Cullen to dinner. At first she'd seemed subdued when she'd joined Rosalie and me, forty-five minutes late for dinner. I'd just about given up on her.

But then, with red rimmed eyes, she'd confessed her last meeting with Jasper and I totally understood. We all had guys we were trying to get over.

And it was great that she and Rosalie had met previously through Emmett. Rose, being the ever ardent feminist, had declared that while she was Emmett's number one fag hag, she would never disclose any of Alice's secrets to her older brother.

"He won't even know that we're friends if you want!" Rose had declared. "I mean its ho's before bro's, right?"

For some reason that mixed up logic had melted Alice's reserve. As did all the beauty and fashion tips Rosalie could think up--Alice acted as if she was being introduced to top secret information and was totally hanging on Rosalie's every word.

Who'd have thought the ice queen could melt and reveal a real life person?

At work, Alice Cullen was fierce, demanding, and completely loyal to her family. I'd never seen her crack a joke or relax. Those activities seemed to be reserved for her older brothers.

The company was her life.

Or at least I thought it was until she'd announced her plans to leave the company and start her own public relations firm. It was part of the plan she'd dubbed "Alice gets a real life."

We'd drank a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, another glass in lieu of desert, and now we were nursing coffee, trying to sober up; the dancing part of this evening's agenda long forgotten.

I couldn't believe I was feeling this connection with Alice Cullen but it was there. What started out as a pity invite was turning into great conversation and what felt like the start of a real friendship. Alice really listened to what Rosalie and I had to say and her advice was wise and her anecdotes funny. She fit in like the missing arm we never knew we'd lost.

It was fucking freaky that this was Edward Cullen's sister.

Somehow with the wine and the coffee and the great conversation, I felt comfortable to confess my own hidden desires.

"I want a baby," I said softly.

"That's great," said Alice, obviously happy for me.

Rosalie didn't comment. She'd heard this particular confession before.

"Are we talking about in the near future or someday?" Alice asked.

"Near future."

"So are you shopping around for a father?" she asked, teasingly.

And an image of children with bronze hair and mischievous eyes filled my head.

"Oh, Bella knows who she wants to be the father of her child," said Rosalie, a little maliciously. "Too bad he's a complete jerk."

"Yeah," I agreed, the wine making my tongue loose and my thoughts fuzzy. "Too bad I can't just order up his sperm at a local sperm bank or something..."

"I'm confused," announced Alice and then she giggled. "You want a guy's DNA but you don't want to _be_ with him?"

"No, I don't," I confessed. _I don't!_ I told my inner slut. "He's just so beautiful and smart and creative...."

"And probably full of all sorts of STDs!"

"No he's not, he just went to the doctor last week and I saw his medical records while straightening his office. He has a clean bill of health. "

"Wait, Bella," Alice turned and looked at me with wide eyes. "Are you talking about Edward? _My_ brother Edward? Your boss Edward?"

Fuck. Shouldn't have had that third glass of wine with dinner.

"Yes," I confessed with a small shrug and bracing myself for Alice to freak out.

Instead, she squealed. Joyously. I shit you not: Alice Cullen squealed. And then she reached over and gave me a big hug.

"I'm gonna be an aunt!" she said, clapping and bouncing in her seat. Rosalie and I stared at her, wondering where the crazy pills were.

"What?" she asked. "I figured out that in order to be the new and improved Alice I need to cut out all _existing_ family. But soon-to-be born Cullens don't count so if Bella had my niece or nephew then I'd actually have a family member in my life. I'd totally get to spoil the kid. It would be so much fun."

"Alice, it's just a fantasy," I cautioned her. Damn, when this girl got an idea she really ran with it. "First, I could never jeopardize my job by sleeping with my boss. Second I want Edward to _father_ my children but I do not want him to be a part of their lives as their father. He is am immature, man whore and has a complete lack of respect for women."

Tears pooled in Alice's eyes and I felt like a complete bitch. "Oh, Alice I am sorry for going off on Edward that way..."

"No, Edward's a complete prick," she said, furiously wiping away tears. "His harem drives me nuts as well and I'm afraid to even share a water bottle with him because I'm afraid I'll pick up some disease. It's just that he-who-will-not be-named likes to make lists. You know: first, second, third, etc."

"Yeesh, you have it bad," said Rosalie. "I can't believe that you're gaga over Jasper of all people. Yech!"

Alice looked like she wanted to defend Jasper for a second, but when she opened her mouth all she said was, "Please do not say his name."

And she looked so defeated.

I decided to sacrifice myself to cheer her up. "So I've thought about going to a sperm bank."

"Is it really out of the question to do it the traditional way?" Alice asked. I gauged her reaction carefully before answering: she seemed curious, and not judgmental.

"I am thirty years old with no significant other prospects in sight. I've been in a couple of serious relationships but I've never found _the_ one. Turning thirty made me reassess my life, and right now I am financially secure enough and young enough to enjoy having a child. Plus, I have this fucking internal biological clock that is pounding away."

Alice turned to Rosalie expectantly.

"Don't look at me," said Rosalie, "I'm her age and I have none of those feelings. Kids ick me out."

"Why don't you just ask Edward to be the father of your children?" Alice asked. I was about to answer when she held up her hand and answered her own question. "I know, I know. The list."

"You know him, Alice, Edward would completely freak out and probably fire me or be such a neurotic jerk that he'd make my work environment unbearable," I explained, feeling like I needed to defend my position to Edward's sister. "His entire life revolves around work and getting laid. Plus, he was very screwed up morals and I honestly don't think he'd been a good father for a child to have."

"You're right," agreed Alice with a sigh. "For the last year and a half he's totally regressed into someone I don't even know. I swear he used to be a real person but then he started hanging out with Emmett more and he was corrupted. "

"Hey, Emmett is actually in a committed relationship," Rosalie defended her best gay friend, "unlike his ho of a brother."

Alice winced, and looked down at her hands. I glared at Rosalie; we were supposed to be avoiding the Jasper topic. She shrugged and looked apologetic.

"I probably will go to a sperm bank," I said, trying to steer the conversation away from he-who-will-not be-name.

"Too bad you can't knock Edward over the head and have your evil way with him," said Rosalie. "Then he'd never know about his spawn and Alice could have a niece or nephew to play with."

"As if," I said. "The problem with porking a guy is that he actually has to be awake. "

"Just an example of the double standard in society," declared Rosalie. "A guy can have sex with a girl while she's unconscious but a girl can't have sex with a guy."

"Rosalie Hale," I gasped. "That's rape."

"I know a way you can have sex with Edward without him knowing it's you," said Alice, giggling hysterically. "And it wouldn't be rape. At least I don't think it would be. Just get Edward plastered. The last time he had three Bloody Mary's for dinner, it took him a week to figure out where he parked his car."

"Very funny, Alice, I couldn't do that to your brother." _I couldn't, right?_ Images of those beautiful green eyed children danced in my head. I am an evil, evil person when tipsy. "Besides, even drunk, how could he not know it's me? I work with the man _every_ day."

"Oh, I could change your looks pretty easily," Rosalie put in. "I can put a wig on you and change your makeup to make you virtually unrecognizable."

"Right," said Alice. "You work with models or something?"

"Yeah, I'm a fashion photographer. Right now my specialty seems to be chicks in bikinis lying down on cars," she sighed.

"Rose also used to be a model," I told Alice. "She's lived all over and walked the runways for some of the top fashion houses in Milan and Paris."

Alice looked impressed. Rosalie pretended to be bored with the whole discussion, but I knew she was proud of her accomplishments.

"Rosalie, I know practically nothing about clothing and fashion. I've really appreciated all the advice you've given me so far," said Alice hesitantly. "Do you think you could take me shopping and help me pick out a new wardrobe?"

A big smile broke out over Rosalie's face. "I'd love to! Bella over here hates to go shopping."

"I've never really gone shopping much," admitted Alice. "I generally let my mom dress me."

Rosalie and I were absolutely shocked.

Alice blushed and stared down at her coffee, her long black hair covering her face. "I was always so busy keeping up with the guys. And then I was too busy trying to prove myself at Cullen Publishing to worry _about_ myself."

"I think this calls for a total makeover," announced Rosalie. "You have come to the right person--by the time I'm done with you, you'll have a PhD in fashion."

"Absolutely," I agreed. "As much as it pains me to actually say this, I think Alice needs the works: spa, hair, makeup, _and _clothing. We should make a day of it this Saturday."

"Hair?" squeaked Alice and she nervously ran her fingers through her almost waist long black hair.

"Your hair is lovely," said Rosalie gently. "But it somewhat overpowers your small frame."

"Really?" asked Alice. "I've kept it long because Jas... I mean he-who-will-not be-named seems to like girls with long hair."

"Maybe if you'd cut it into a crew cut like Emmett, you'd have been more successful with he-who-will-not be-named," joked Rosalie.

I froze, not believing that Rosalie had gone there again.

But Alice surprised me yet again and burst out laughing. "Yeah, too bad I can't grow a five o'clock shadow, huh?"

"So it's a date then?" I asked the girls as we gathered up our coats.

"Yeah, and I'll figure out how to get Edward properly bamboozled so you can steal his swimmers," declared Alice. "Ho's before Bro's, gallies."

I smiled tightly. I knew Alice was teasing me.

Rosalie burst out laughing and gave Alice a big hug. "I'm so glad you joined us for dinner."

Emmet's POV

"What are you so upset about, pookie?" Jasper scowled fiercely at my pet nickname. And I chuckled. It was just too easy.

"Emmett," he announced seriously. "I think we need to break up."

"Okay," I said. "But our parents are going to be crushed." I turned the wheel to the left and parked my car in front of my parent's house. It was our weekly Saturday dinner with my parents. Jasper had been attending them since we were kids. Now that everybody thought we were fuck buddies, he came officially as my date instead of as Edward's friend.

"I am tired of lying to everyone," complained Jasper. "This was supposed to be temporary and you were supposed to quit being a fucking pussy and man up to Rosalie."

I felt the same overwhelming panic I always experienced whenever I thought about telling Rosalie the truth. She'd kill me. She'd carve me up into little pieces and feed me to the sharks. I knew too much, I was in too deep.

Plus, she'd never let paint her toes or watch Spaceballs with me again.

I couldn't imagine my life without Miss Rosalie Hale in it. Last Sunday I'd nearly had a heart attack when she'd walked around her apartment in just her undies and bra. I'd had to keep a big pillow over my chubbie for the rest of the afternoon. And her roommate Bella felt comfortable with walking around in big t-shirts sans bra. Life was fucking good as is, _capice_?

Unfortunately, Bella also felt comfortable enough around me to walk around without shaving her legs, which made me wonder which way she swung. When I mentioned that Bella may dig chicks to Rosalie, she'd laughed so hard she'd peed her pants. But she hadn't denied it.

"If you want to break up with me, that's fine but you know that I can't... I won't come clean," I told Jasper hoarsely, fear of ruining the best thing in my life clawing at my throat.

Jasper shot me a sympathetic look. He and Edward were my best friends and we'd do just about anything for each other.

And, honestly, it wasn't that bad being gay with Jasper, aside from the whole having to occasionally kiss. Thank goodness that was generally close mouthed so it was no worse than giving my grandma a kiss. It made our parents happy and kept Rosalie by my side. The only downside was the whole lack of snatch. And that was a really big downside. I hadn't had pussy in a year and a half. It'd been just me and Rosie Palms.

And, trust me, I had an _above_ normal appetite. But I couldn't be unfaithful to Rosalie. It literally didn't work as I'd discovered, embarrassingly. I'm sure my inability to get it up with Kim had helped solidify my gayness with pretty much half the town.

"Look, Emmett, I think we need to plan carefully how we'll break up so we don't blow your cover, but I need to break up."

"Totally understand, man." And I did. Jasper really had no reason to pretend to be gay with me. I mean he said it was to keep Alice off his back but I was pretty sure she was over her silly crush by now. I mean we all knew that he was a total skank and that she was much too good for him.

Hell, even Jazz said so.

Still my friend looked troubled.

"Okay, before we go and deal with my entire family, what's eating you, man?"

"Alice," he said.

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck raise. "You asshole, what the hell did you do to her?"

"Nothing, man," he said. "Jeez, are you doing steroids or something? Fuck you need to keep your cool, you dumb fuck."

"What is wrong with Alice?" I asked through gritted teeth. So help me, I was going to take this prick apart limb by limb. This was my baby sister we were talking about. My innocent little sister.

"Did she seem upset at lunch on Thursday?"

His question surprised me, "At _Le Madeleine_?"

"Yeah."

"She was just being Alice."

"You know we haven't really been hanging out with her since we started this little charade."

"Dude, you were the one complaining about how she was this serious stalker or whatever."

"I know. But, dude, she's always been part of our group and I've always thought of her as a sister. That's why nothing could ever happen between us."

"That and I'd have to kill you."

"Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that, douche."

I whacked him lightly over the head.

"Partner abuse!" he yelled.

"Okay, so we'll do that shopping thing she was yipping about," I told Jasper. "Is that it?"

"I think she may have been crying Thursday afternoon," he told me. " I was going to stop by her office to apologize for being such a douche at lunch before I picked up you up for the basketball game. And she just raced right out of the office without looking up or saying goodbye"

"Are you upset 'cause she snubbed you, dude?"

"No, I'm upset, asshole, because her eyes were red and her checks were blotchy. Maybe she wasn't crying and she was just sick."

"She was fine on Friday. In fact, she was actually chipper and smiley on Friday," I remembered. Several people had remarked to me about what a great mood Alice had been in.

"You don't think..."

"What, dude? Just spit it out?"

"Do you think she's dating someone, do you?"

I saw red. I punched the steering wheel and the horn sounded.

"Steroids? Emmett, you're as big as a fucking house, do you have a death wish or something?"

"Jazz, I am not on steroids, but I completely lose it when I think of any guy with my little sister."

"Putz. As if Alice couldn't handle herself."

True. I had taught her how to defend herself. She was practically a black belt in Emmett's down and dirty street fighting. But she was just so small and quiet, with her nose always stuck in flowcharts and business plans.

We both froze when we heard a tap on the door. We simultaneously turned to see my mother looking worried outside the car, peering in.

Fuck. It was times like this that this whole charade sucked. Jazz met my eyes and he realized that we were gonna have to man up and do it. Damn, I hoped he'd brushed his teeth this morning. We both leaned in and briefly laid our lips on each other.

I wish I could say yuck, but honestly we'd done it so often in the last year that it wasn't anything special. We broke apart and let ourselves out of the car.

My mother gave each of us a hug and kiss and then scolded us lovebirds for holding up the meal.

"We beat Alice?" I asked incredulously. My little sister was notorious for being late to Saturday dinner.

"Oh, Alice isn't eating with us tonight. She's off with one of her friends shopping or something."

"Mom, Alice doesn't have any friends."

My mother glared at me.

"Esme, which friend is Alice shopping with?" asked Jasper, fake southern charm dripping from each word. It would have made me sick if it wasn't so damn effective.

"Bella," she said as she ushered us in.

_Bella? _How did Alice know Bella? I wasn't aware that they even knew each other.

"Bella?" whispered Jasper. "As in Edward's Bella? As in Rosalie's roomie Bella? What the fuck is going on, Emmett?"

"Let's ask Edward."

We both spotted him climbing down the stairs. Jazz and I hooked an arm under each of his arms and dragged him back upstairs. I called to my mother and told her we were washing up.

"What's up with Bella?" demanded Jazz.

Edward looked confused. "You dragged me up the stairs to talk about my love life? Nothing's up. Everything is status quo except that Bella has some sort of date today." He looked glum.

My heart skipped a beat.

"Wha... whoa... What do you mean by a date?"

"I overheard her making plans yesterday. She was talking about how excited she was about this guy and how she couldn't believe their instantaneous connection. She had a date with him and they were going to do and I quote "everything". God, I am so depressed I almost didn't make it to dinner today. The only thing that prevented me from skipping was the idea of mom showing up at my place with her homemade soup."

We all shivered. Esme was a force to be reckoned with. Like a vampire, once you invited her in it was nearly impossible to get her out. She'd clean, fix, and decorate until she wore out. Or you moved, which I'd had to do before.

"Dude, this is important," I told him. "Did she say she was going out with a guy or a girl?"

Edward pinched the bridge of his noise and thought for a while. "You're right--she might have been talking about a girl. Maybe I overreacted and she's just going out with a friend that's a girl." He looked up at me hopefully.

How do I approach this topic delicately, so as not to be crude or needlessly hurt my brother?

"Is it possible that the reason Bella kept shooting you done is because she's a carpet muncher?"

Jasper slapped me upside the head.

I was too focused on Edward's answer to yell "Partner abuse."

"Possibly," said Edward unhappily, running his fingers through his hair. "But sometimes I get this vibe between us and I can't believe she doesn't feel it too."

"Edward, do you know where Alice is today?"

"Well, Mom said she was out with a friend shopping, which is weird because Alice doesn't have any friends."

"Dude, Alice is out with Bella."

"Fuck."

**Author notes:**

**The conference was great! I ate too much, slept on a king size bed, made great friends, wrote, and, by day five, couldn't wait to get home to my family. **

**So now the plot thickens. Anyone still feeling sorry for the guys?**


	4. Chapter 4: Bleeding Kansas

**Dedicated to XXSkittlesXX for publishing her latest chapter to one of my favorite stories and to RoseArcadia for making my avatar for me. **

**Alice's POV**

I burst out of the elevators Monday morning feeling as light as air. I felt like Mary fucking Tyler, ready to take on the whole damn world.

We girls had decided that my new theme song was Pink's "U n Ur Hand". I hadn't even heard the song before this weekend but boy was it catchy and moral boosting. I walked briskly to the tune's beat that was pounding in my head, burned into my memory. Rosalie had burned the song for me onto a CD to play whenever any self doubt had reared its ugly head my way.

I must have played it at least 20 times this morning as I got ready for work and trying to remember each of the zillion steps it took to transform me. Who knew putting on mascara could be such a challenge?

And for a second this morning, I'd felt like a little girl trying on her mother's makeup—my inner doubt whispering that I'd make a fool of myself. Thank goodness Pink's bad ass anthem drowned it out.

Now I was so excited that I was becoming the self confident Alice I'd always wanted to be.

And I knew I looked damn hot in my red, skin tight pant suit with a sexy shell peeking out from the jacket.

I had chosen to walk into my office alone, despite offers of assistance from the girls and my mom. And I was so glad I had.

I actually got double takes as I entered the building. I shit you not. Men smiled at me—one guy had even held open the elevator doors so I could stroll across the entire lobby to get into the elevator. I now had his business card in my purse—he'd discreetly pressed it into my hand before he'd gotten off on the eighth floor law office. Too bad about the wedding band, cause he was gorgeous.

The elevator opened on the twenty-fifth floor, and I waived gaily at my coworkers as I practically skipped into my office. It felt great to hear the gasps and silence, only to be followed by whispering. I swear I heard the adjectives "hot" and "sexy".

I hadn't realized how much a blow my self esteem had taken when not only had I been repeatedly rejected by he-who-will-not be named, but my own brothers had essentially turned their backs on me as well.

But now hair, my makeup, and clothing were perfect. I loved the way I felt and I promised myself I would work hard to make myself feel this good, this confident every day.

And I owed it all to my new friends Rosalie and Bella. They'd shown me how easy it was to get this look—I truly felt like a butterfly who'd just burst from her conservative Ann Taylor cocoon.

I even had a date. A real live date with a handsome guy—a neighbor of Rosalie's and Bella's. And it wasn't a fix up or a pity date. He'd asked me to go out i he even knew I was a friend of Bella's and Rosalie's. I'd met him as I was leaving from their apartment Saturday night, exhausted from a successful day of shopping and getting made over.

I'd reluctantly agreed to meet him for a lunch date, completely charmed by his huge puppy dog grin--not to mention his rocked solid abs and model good looks. After I'd gone home, though, reality had kicked in, I'd started to panic. It would be just my luck to pick up a psycho or something for my first real date. But Rosalie and Bella had both vouched for Jake Black's character so now I was really looking forward to today's lunch with him. The girls were going to spy on us from across the same restaurant and lend much needed moral support.

_God, I could take on any CEO or figure out how to crack any media reporter while smoothly running my division, but a date with a nice architect scared the bejesus out of me._

I didn't see my secretary Angela at her desk so I figured she must be getting my morning coffee. Not that I needed any caffeine to get going. I felt incredibly revved up.

I practically danced into my office only to be confronted by the three stooges: Emmett, he-who-will-not be-named, and Edward. This was the first time in months they'd actually made an effort to search me out to talk.

I lifted my chin and braced myself. Seeing all three in my office first thing Monday morning meant they'd come to rain on my parade.

Well, fuck 'em. Especially he-who-will-not be-named.

"Hey, guys," I said brightly, pretending everything was just peachy between us all. "Wassup?"

All three men were staring at me with their mouths wide open.

"Alice Brandon Cullen, what are you wearing?" Emmett gasped, scandalized. He rushed over and unbuttoned my tight jacket, I guess so it wouldn't hug my breasts and waist. He looked at the scanty shell underneath and shrieked. "Why are you wearing your pajamas to work? Where's your damn bra? Does mom know you have this on?"

"I road to work with mom, asshole," I swatted Emmett's hands away and stepped back. I shrugged out of my jacket and placed it on the back of my chair. I heard all three stooges suck in their breath when they got a look at my silk shirt without the jacket.

Edward was rubbing his face with his hands and mumbling, Emmett was waiving his hands around shrieking for his mama, and he-who-will-not be-named was stone faced. Obviously he wasn't impressed with the new package.

Well, fuck 'em.

"Alice, if I compliment you on your hair and stop Emmett from shrieking like a little girl, will you please put your jack back on?" asked Edward from behind his fingers.

I put my jacket back on but I refused to button it up. I was twenty-five fucking years old and I was allowed to fucking dress myself. Edward deposited Emmett in a chair and he-who-will-not be-named swatted the shrieking lug on the back of his gigantic head.

Emmett took a deep breath and placed his head between his legs. He yelled "Seriously, does mom know?" from between his knees.

"Seriously, mom and I drove to the office together," I told them. "I'm going home after work with Bella so I needed a lift. Mom loves my outfit. And the hair."

"You're going home with Bella?" asked Edward. He buried his head back into his hands.

"You cut your hair short," panted Emmett, his head still down. "You cut your hair like a boy's cut. Very butch."

"It is not like a boy's!" I stated defensively. I'd actually gotten a blunt pixie cut that curled up at the ends. I'd never had my hair so short in my life but I loved it. Rosalie's stylist friend had cut it and he'd shown me several ways to style it. If Emmett ever broke up with he-who-will-not be-named, we'd have to set him up with Sergio because having him in the family would be so handy.

"And you're dating," said Jasper, flatly.

"Yeah," I admitted. _Damn, news traveled fast around here. _

"Alice, we're concerned about you," announced Jerkward. Yeah, Rosalie and Bella had confessed their nickname for my brother and I thought it fit, brilliantly.

"Uh-huh."

"Mom called us yesterday and told us you tendered your resignation." continued Jerkward.

"What the hell is this about?" demanded Emmett. "What the hell are you thinking? Why are you ditching Cullen Publishing? "

He-who-will-not be-named put a retraining hand on my brother's shoulder and I internally winced. _Fuck, when was it going to not hurt to see them together?_

"I've decided that while I love working with my family, I am ready to branch out on my own. I want the opportunity to own my own business and I've just recently realized I'm interested in the fashion industry. I met a couple of fashion designers this weekend who expressed an interest in becoming my clients."

Emmett looked like he was about to explode on the spot. He was sputtering like an overheated tea pot and he'd turned a strange puce color.

Jerkward pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "How about we take the morning to process all these changes and get together for lunch."

I was confused. "But I have a date today…"

Now Jerkward looked upset at me. "Bella's going out to lunch, too."

"Yeah, we're just going over to Tavern on…"

Edward stormed out of the office followed by Emmett, who slammed the door after him. Fucking four year olds.

That left me in the office with he-who-will-not be-named. Who still stared at me stonily just as he had for the last year and a half.

Okay, calm and collected. I tried not to stare at his plump lips, lips that belonged to my brother.

I would just ignore him and go about my business. I slid off my jacket, placed it back on my chair, pushed out the chair, and stood up. Blushing like crazy, I realized in all the commotion I'd flung my brief case into the corner of the room. I walked over and bent over to retrieve it.

I swear I heard he-who-will-not be-named _eep! _and then I heard a door slam. I had no idea what had set him off. And, damn, I truly wish I could say I was glad he was gone.

I went over to the seat where he'd been sitting and took a deep whiff of his scent that still lingered and for a moment I felt good.

Then the reality of the situation came crashing down and I felt my one inch tall, suddenly very much like a little girl playing dress up.

So much for my new self confidence.

Fuck.

**Jasper's POV**

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckety. Fuck.

My little sister was no longer a little girl. She'd fucking blossomed into a hottie. I never knew she had those curves. Fuck, when she bent over and I saw her ass in those tight pants I nearly incinerated. Spontaneous combustion due to bootiliciousness.

And now I was hiding out two floors down in the men's bathroom on the 23rd floor, trying to recite the Gettysburg Address in order to take care of my not so little problem.

Alice had nipples. She had breasts.

Yeah, I know I'd teased Emmett in the past about see his little sister naked, but honestly it had been dark and I'd been caught up getting my freak on with the very exotic Maria. So although I'd registered that Alice was naked in my room, I hadn't really paid attention. I was too busy being furious at her audacity. And I was ashamed that Alice had caught me in the act with another woman so shortly after she had so sweetly declared her love for my worthless hide.

I was a cad. I knew it. Hell, the fucking entire world knew it except for sweet little Alice. Who had been following me around, sure that she'd been in love with me, since she was five years old.

Not so sweet anymore. Damn, that suit had maneater written all over it.

But I guess she wasn't into men anymore. No, she was getting it on with Edward's mousy little assistant.

I need to bleach my thoughts because the idea of Bella and Alice kissing _will_ be the death of me, not to mention anything else to women can do to each other.

I started panting like a fucking dog in heat, the Gettysburg just wasn't working. I needed to bring out the big guns and I tried plotting the events of the Kansas-Missouri conflict.

Shit, I can't stay here all day in the bathroom. If Bleeding Kansas wasn't going to work, I needed something to camouflage Spike so I could get home. There was no way I was going to be able to teach a class today. My entire world had just shifted and I was stumbling around trying to get my footing.

Fuck. I looked around the restroom and spotted a questionable newspaper on the floor by the trash bin. I didn't even want to think about where it had been.

I grabbed it and Spike wilted a little. Then I thought about Alice's neck, which until today had been hidden behind a curtain of hair, and I was harder than ever. I let go of the newspaper and raced into a bathroom stall.

If I didn't free Spike soon, he was going to break off, he was so freaking rigid. I quickly undid my button and pulled down my zipper. Spike shot forth into my hand and I stifled a sigh.

It would not do to have the company's Vice President's gay boyfriend caught masturbating in the company bathroom.

Why did Alice have to cut her hair? I mean, we guys are pretty visual beings and we all have parts of the body that really do it for us. I mean I appreciated tits and ass as much as any other guy but I had a special…appreciation for a swanlike neck. And, fuck me, if Alice did not have the most elegant neck I'd ever seen.

I was _so_ screwed.

How was I going to be around her when she looked so damn hot? She'd been so sexy today when she'd sashayed into her office. Like she'd fucking stepped out of my own Playboy fantasy. And when Emmett stripped off that jacket.

Fuck! FUCK!

I released to the memory of Alice's tan nipples peaking out of pale ivory lace.

I grabbed a wad of tissues and cleaned up as best I could. I tucked away Spike and straightened up, washing up my hands before trying to discreetly hightail it out of the office.

I stepped into the elevator and froze. The only other occupant in the elevator was Alice. She looked up at me through her thick eye lashes. Damn, she was pretty. She always had been. But before she'd been pretty in the wholesome girl next door way (ironic since she'd literally been the girl next store), and now she was a fucking vixen.

I leaned closer, hypnotized by the line of her neck as she tilted her head ever so slightly to the side.

And the elevator dinged. I took a step back and gulped in a breath of air. The doors parted and Bella bounded onto the stairs. "Hi Alice!" she said and then she pulled Alice into a hug, pressing her body against Alice's.

I stopped breathing. Instant arousal combated with a strange emotion I'd never, ever experienced in my entire life.

What the hell was it?

I was seeing stars in front of me and I realized that I needed to pull oxygen into my lungs or I was going to faint like a girl on this elevator. I whooshed the air out of my lungs and pulled in a much needed breath.

The oxygen helped my brain synapses. Bella still had my Alice in her arms and she was nibbling on her ear, whispering sweet nothings. Alice was arching into her.

Fuck, now she was caressing Alice's spine.

I identified the emotion and it sent a bitter taste to my mouth and a nauseous feeling to the pit of my stomach.

I was jealous.

And I felt another strong emotion, one that'd I'd rarely ever felt before and never this strong.

Hate.

I fucking hated Bella Swan.

Fuck.

**Bella's POV**

I pulled Alice into a hug and I whispered into her ear. "Is that him?"

She stiffened perceptibly in my arms. I softly stroked her back in support and then released her.

"You look great, Alice," I told her, keeping a decidedly unhappy Jasper in my line of sight. Was it my imagination or did he just growl? He also looked physically uncomfortable and l had no idea why he was standing with his hands over his middle area in the classic fig leaf position.

_Wait, he has an erection. _And the only other person on the elevator was Alice.

Was he affected by being this close to Alice in an elevator? That was one impressive boner.

But, wait, wasn't he supposed to be gay? So why the hell is sneaking peeks at Alice's ass?

No wonder Alice was confused and still hung up on this douche. He was definitely sending off mixed signals. Ach. Was it my imagination or was he glaring at me?

He must not like that I am helping Alice reach her full potential. Well, screw him. He, Emmett, and Jerkward are not allowed to keep Alice cloistered away.

I reached over and gave her hand a friendly squeeze and she gripped my hand. Damn, the girl is strong. I felt the trembling in her fingers and started to stroke the back of her hand. We only had three more floors to go before the ground.

Damn, did Jasper just growl at me _again_? What the fuck is his problem? Poor Emmett, I actually liked the big guy. He tended to hang around my apartment every Sunday with Rosalie so I'd gotten to know him fairly well. He did not deserve a two timing asshole who got turned on by any pretty young thing.

The elevator doors opened and I put my arms around Alice's shoulders and escorted her out of the elevator. I turned briefly to see Jasper stalk out of the building.

"What was that about?" I asked Alice.

"Is he gone?" she squeaked. I nodded. "I put in my resignation yesterday and everyone hit the roof like I thought they would. Dammit, I can't believe I let him get to me like that. I'd been doing so well and then he was in my office and I forgot about everything but how good looking he was and how much I wanted to kiss those lips…I'm so glad you got in the elevator because I might have thrown myself at him. I have no self control around him. Everything in my being screams he's the one."

I debated on whether to tell Alice about the major erection that Jasper had been sporting, but I decided that would be unfair and confuse the situation even more. Damn Jasper for playing with the affections of two people. It was so unfair to both of them, especially since they were siblings.

Well, he was best friends with Edward. I guess being promiscuous jerks was just their thing.

Thank goodness Alice now had me and Rosalie.

Alice kept her death grip on my hand and we walked hand in hand to the restaurant. Only to run straight into my boss.

Jerkward gave his sister a small peck on her cheek, nodded at me and quickly left the restaurant. Good, he was one gorgeous distraction that I didn't need right now. I needed to concentrate on getting Alice ready to enter the dating game.

"Alice, you look fucking fabulous," I told her. "Babe, I need you to let go of my hands so Rosalie and I can sit over in that corner and play fairy godmother."

The fingers around my hand tightened and I almost dropped to my knees.

"Hey, Alice," came a friendly male voice from behind us. Fingers ratcheted around mine even tighter. Fuck, she was going to fucking squeeze them off. Tears formed in the corner of my eyes.

I physically turned Alice towards Jake and she looked up at him. He smiled at her and something magically happened. She relaxed, let go of my fingers (which hurt like a bitch as blood flowed back into them), and put her hand out to Jake.

"Hey, Jake, it's great to see you again,"

Jake took Alice's hands into both of hers and brought them up to his chest. "Believe me, the pleasure is all mine."

A couple of moments passed as Alice and Jake stared at each other.

What the hell do I do now? I felt a pinch in my side and turned to glare at Rosalie. "That hurt, bitch," I hissed.

She beckoned towards a booth in the corner and I followed.

We spent the remainder of lunch watching Alice and Jake eat and talk. We speculated about what they were talking about, especially since the two really seemed to be having a great time together. More than once the two broke into loud laughter. And Alice really worked the short hair, tugging on the curls at her neck flirtatiously.

We watched Jake pay for the check and then lean down and give Alice a kiss on the cheek. Truly a smooth move if I do say so myself. Too dang bad that I'd never had a spark with Jake myself because he was a great catch.

Once he was gone, Alice rushed over to our booth.

"So?" asked Rosalie.

"We're going out again Friday night!"

We all squealed.

Sweet.

**Author's Notes: **

Totally would love to be the meat in an E&J sandwich. Trust me, you ain't the only perv out there who's had that thought.

For those readers out there interested in reading a real gay story, try reading **Over The Top** by **starfish422** or **All I Ever Knew** by **manyafandom**. Both are pretty hot and both are, at heart, great love stories.

So Alice and Jake???????????????


	5. Chapter 5: Rainbow Bumber Stickers

**Edward's POV**

Bella strode into the office, _late_, from lunch with a huge grin on her face. However, since she normally ate lunch at her desk while still answering the phones, I really was in no position to complain.

"How was the date?" I asked, trying to project an image of friendliness. Inside, I was bleeding, but damn if I was going to rain on her parade. She looked absolutely radiant. And I loved her enough to want her to be happy.

Even if it was with my little sister. Right? _Yes, Edward, you douche. YES, damnit. _

Bella froze mid stride, obviously surprised I knew about her and Alice's little rendezvous.

"Alice told me all about it," I reassured her. "I left the restaurant because I didn't want to intrude. What's worse than a big brother chaperoning, right?"

"Then you're okay with her dating?" her tone seemed surprised.

"Absolutely," my lips said, while my inside screamed an anguished 'No!'. "We're definitely cool with it, especially because of the whole Jasper and Emmett thing."

I mean we were all cool with a pseudo gay relationship in the family, how hypocritical would it be if we disapproved of a real gay relationship?

"Great, Alice can really use your support," said Bella, her smile, if possible, even wider. "She's really nervous about trying this, making these dramatic changes."

Not to self: time to buy a own rainbow sticker for my car. I might even let my mother drag me to a PFLAG meeting—she was the president of the local chapter. She's become very passionate about gay rights ever since my brother pretended to come out of the closet.

I needed to be more supportive of my little sister. I guess I'd been so wrapped up in my own fictional love life that I'd completely missed the fact that my sister was struggling with her own sexual identity. I needed to do better by her.

"So how was the date?" I repeated my earlier question. Was it absolutely horrible that I was hoping Bella realized that while Alice was a sweet girl, there absolutely no chemistry between the two, and in fact, in an amazing twist of fate, she was madly in love with Alice's older brother (and not the gay one).

"It was perfect!" answered Bella as she stowed her purse into her desk and powered up her computer. "Alice really came alive today. I was afraid that she was going to completely shut down after she saw Jasper, but she did great."

"What thing with Jasper?" I asked, while pretending to study a piece of lint on my arm. I would not let Bella see my eyes watering.

"Well, Alice ran into Jasper in the elevator on her way down to lunch and he was practically all over her by the time the elevator stopped on this floor and I got on. God, he knows that she's trying to get over him and he still toys with her affections. That is so wrong! Plus, he's with Emmett, right?"

"I've heard they're having problems," I mumbled. Damning Emmett once again for these lies I had to tell.

"Probably because Jasper is a two timing snake," hissed Bella.

"So Alice is still not over Jasper, huh?" I tried to ask casually, the blood thundering in my ears.

"Edward, she's been in love with the asshole since she was five," Bella explained as if I was dumbest guy in the world, which I might be since I was contemplating trying a whole "Chasing Amy" thing. "That's not something you get over easily."

A horrible, horrible plan was forming in my twisted head. One with so many holes in logic that only a truly idiotic or truly desperate man would try it. I had to get Alice together with Jasper so that she'd dump Bella and I might be there to pick up the pieces.

Don't argue logic with me, people. I do know how arrogant and pathetic I am and how horrible I am to mess with both my best friend's and my sister's affections.

But if this works out then I'll be giving Alice what she's truly desired since she was five years old while I am pursuing the mother of my children. All's fair in love and war.

I turned to enter into my office when Bella added, "Don't worry Mr. Cullen, I am going to make sure Alice realizes that there are much better options than Jasper Whitlock out there."

"So is there going to be another date?"

"Friday."

Fuck.

**Emmett's POV**

I took a deep breath and dialed, my hands trembling. I was a fucking junky and I needed my goddamned fix. Oh, had the mighty fallen. If you'd told me two years ago about all the fucked up stuff I'd be doing for a girl, a girl who wasn't my mom or my little sister, I wouldn't have believed you. Hell, if you'd told me I'd be pretending to be gay and actually making out with Jazz, I would have punched out your lights.

But I was doing that and so much more for one dame. But what a hell of a dame.

"Hello," came the throaty voice of the dame in question. Desire ran up and down my spine.

"Hey, Rosey Baby," I said in the singsong voice I reserved for gay Emmett.

"Emmie!" squealed Rosalie. "I was hoping you'd call."

"Why? Did anything fabulous happen to you today?" I winced internally as I sang out fabulous in a falsetto voice. I'd modeled my gay guy character on a toned down Carson Kressley. I know, I know: a horrible tv cliché? But what was I supposed to do, the only gay guy I knew was just a regular guy. No quirks or anything to show he was gay.

Strangely, Mike's very supportive of this whole ruse (he's the only person apart from Edward and Jasper who knows). He claims it's great for someone with my financial resources and social standing to get a taste of being gay in America.

Of course, he's been in love with me since kindergarten. Oh, he claims he has the hots for Edward, but, please, why would anyone choose pale and skinny when they can have tan and buff wrapped up in the beauty that is Emmett?

"I got to play fairy godmother for Alice's date," Rosalie said smugly, answering my question.

How to play this? How to play _this_? I honestly wanted to beat the shit out of Bella for taking advantage of Alice, but I so knew this would not go over well with Rosalie.

"So how did the date go?" I asked, dreading any and all answers.

"Perfectly. I think Alice had a great time. I am glad she's finally getting out there."

I chose not to comment on how _un_-glad I was that Alice was finally getting out there.

"I am a little concerned about the whole Bella and Alice relationship," I admitted to Rosalie,

"Why?" she asked. "Is it because you've done your best to keep Alice locked away in that ivory tower you call a business?"

Huh?

"Emmett, you were stifling her. When I first met her she was a dull beige and now she's a vibrant red, thanks to me and Bella."

"And that's good how exactly?"

"Emmett, we only have one life to live. Alice needs the opportunity to live her own life. You don't want her to be one of those old spinster ladies who dies alone with a zillion cats, do you?"

_Yes!_ I thought.

"No, of course not. I just don't want her to get hurt."

"Emmett, you're oppressing her. She needs to experience life and all its ups and downs."

"But I don't want anyone to take advantage of her! She's so innocent and naïve."

"Emmett Cullen, you chauvinist pig. Alice is a shark. She is a successful business woman who deals with big bad men all the time. You may want to protect men from her!"

"Is that why she got that butch hair cut?"

Rosalie burst out laughing. "That is so not a butch hair cut, you idiot. Alice looked slammin' today. Did you compliment her at all or did you go all Neanderthal?"

I chose to invoke my right to remain silent.

"You idiot!" shrieked Rosalie so loud, I had to move the phone away from my ear. Hopefully there was no permanent damage to my ear drum. "Alice is a beautiful woman and tomorrow you are going to give her every single fucking complement she deserved to hear today, got it?"

That's what she thinks!

"Emmett!" Fuck, there goes the damn ear drum.

"Fine," I conceded. "She can keep wearing the slutty clothes and cutting her hair like a man."

"Emmett, grow up, she doesn't need your damn permission."

"Rosie, she's may baby sister. She's seven years younger than me. I changed her diaper and kissed her skinned knees. "

"And now you're going to support her while she discovers how fucking kick ass she can be."

"Yes, mom," I said.

"God forbid, bitch."

I stretched out on my couch kicked off my shoes and listened to my Rosie fill me on her day. Rosie took tits and ass shots of girls with more silicon then brains lying down on classic cars. So it was no hardship to hear her talk about her work.

"Yeah, I was actually impressed by this Twiggy wannabe today who actually knew what a Hudson Hornet was," sighed Rosalie. "Until she told me she recognized it from a Daffy Duck cartoon. Then I just wanted to scrape her off the hood of the car—she was so not worthy of even touching it."

"Did it have a 308 engine?" I asked, unable to resist the temptation.

"Ohhh, baby, did it," she purred, making certain parts of me desperate to be stroked. "And, Emmie, the car was cherry red, with ivory leather inside. Mint condition."

"Wow. Quality Canadian car."

"Yeah, well my clients are from Alberta. But what the fuck were they thinking putting a twig on the hood of this baby? This would have been the perfect set up for Betty Paige or Marilyn Monroe look-a-like, you know someone with some meat on her."

"And big gazookas," I was practically drooling. "Gross!" I added. _Think gay, man. Big bazookas bad. _

Thank God this convo was over the phone—it was so much harder to hide my heterosexual tendencies in person.

"Yeah, well thank god there was this ad exec who made it all better"

Aw, shit. My heart just plunged to my toes and I might just upchuck my lunch.

"A real hunk, huh?" I managed to choke out.

"Jeez, Emmie you sound strange," Rosalie said. I could hear the concern in her voice. "Are you ok, sweetie?"

"Yeah, I'd just taken a sip of something and when you said Ad Exec I got an image of Rob Patterson in that Vanity Fair spread where he's wearing that Armani suit. You know how I feel about Rob." Actually, I hated the fucking British twit, but anytime I did anything stupid or fell out of character, he was the perfect scapegoat. I mean the entire fucking world was in love with the smelly asshole, so he was the perfect gay beard.

"Oh, I know how you get about Rob," laughed Rosalie. "I wouldn't mind grabbing that ass with two handfuls myself and I totally gush every time I hear him sing."

Fucking British twit. Maybe I should take up smoking?

"So, what about your hunk on the set?" I asked hesitantly, dreading the answer, but I just fucking had to know.

"Oh, I pulled him into a trailer during the lunch break and got two nice orgasms for my troubles."

"Oh."

"Yeah, well now the jerk keeps calling me, asking me out. I have yet another fucking stalker claiming to be in love with me," she sighed. "You know, I always tell guys that I am only interested in a one time thing, that I'm not a commitment kind of girl. And they always assure me it's not an issue _before _we have sex, but it never seems to matter afterwards. Suddenly, it's like they want to run off to Vegas and tie me down. They just don't get that I'm a 'wam, bam, thank you, man' kind of gal."

"I guess your just too good in the sack, babe."

"I'm gonna try to stop giving blow jobs. I know I'm not a gay man, but I swear Emmie my sucking technique should get a gold medal. I just love the taste of a man's jizz, though."

Does anyone doubt that this is the greatest girl _ever_?

"Too bad I won't ever find out, huh?"

"Yeah, well I'm sure Jazz gives a good bj, right?" Ok, now I needed to draw on the shit load of gay fantasy porn labeled as high brow fiction I'd edited for Cullen Publications over the year.

"The best, honey. I love how his five o'clock shadow rubs up against my balls."

"TMI, my friend. TMI."

"So do you need any help getting rid of your latest stalker?" I swear the movie "Something About Mary" was based on Rosalie.

I should know, right?

"Nah. I think he's got the hint when I threatened a restraining order. He hung up real quick and he hasn't called back since. So much for true love, huh?"

"Hey, I believe in true love!" I protested.

"Yeah," Rosalie agreed softly. "I think it's great that you do, Em. I just don't think I could ever settle down with just one guy. I like variety way too much."

"Maybe one day you'll find the perfect guy and you won't be able to resist falling in love," I said, that bastard hope rearing his ugly mug at me.

"Emmett, that would be horrible," argued the woman who was blissfully unaware that she was stabbing me in the heart with her four inch heels. "If there's one thing I learned from my parents is that Hales are never faithful. I don't ever, ever want to cheat on anyone; especially not a man I loved."

Rosalie had successfully sliced, diced and souffléd my hope. I'll be holding funeral services tomorrow. Please bring a casserole.

"I think you're underestimating yourself," I told her softly.

Silence reigned for a bit.

"So Alice has another date on Friday," announced Rosalie, clearly changing the subject. "Bella has really taken up her cause. She's even roped me into teaching Alice about fashion and stuff, but, Emmie, I have to tell you that she really has an eye for putting together great looks. She just needs to be encouraged."

"So you're saying I haven't been encouraging her," I asked defensively.

"Emmett, you're so wrapped up in my cousin I am even surprised you noticed that Alice cut her hair in the first place."

"And Bella is encouraging her."

"Duh."

"So you don't think Bella is taking advantage of Alice?"

"What?" Rosalie shrieked into the phone. "I personally think that Bella is a wonderful, kind person who would never, ever take advantage of another person. It's just not in her DNA. I think she's going to be very good for Alice. Plus…"

Rosalie's voice trailed off and as if she was actually considering her words. That made me mondo worried because Rosie was a lot like me, a shoot from the hip kind of person. I don't ever think I'd ever heard her hesitate like this before, like she's trying to find the right words to phrase something.

"Emmie, I hate to be the person to tell you this and I really didn't want to think it's true, but I think that Jasper may be unfaithful to you."

_Uh-huh. What exactly did Rosie know?_

"What are you talking about, Rosie?"

"Well, I've caught him checking out other girls a couple of times and he's definitely given off the "I want to hook up" vibe," she declared. Then she added softly, "Plus, he's a Hale."

"Rosie, you sure this isn't about your issues with your family?" I asked.

She inhaled deeply.

Shit. Please do not tell me I said that out loud."

"Never, ever call me Rosie, bitch. And there is a reason I have issues with my family, we're a bunch of skanky hos—Jasper included and…."

Again the hesitation.

"Bella caught him with a hard on while hitting on your sister in the elevator at your work."

Jasper. My fist, His head.

I think I'd just joined the Alice-and-Bella team. Anything was better than Alice getting stuck with Jasper.

Even welcoming Bella into the family as my new sister-in-law. Eddie was so going to kill me.

Fuck.

**Edward's POV**

"Edward," Bella called out to me as I was shutting down my computer. It was after work hours, so my oh-so-proper Bella switched to using my first name. At least it wasn't Jerkward.

She came into my office and I concentrated on packing a manuscript into my briefcase. I needed to mentally gird myself up to speak to her. I was afraid one day she'd catch the longing look on my face and see through my lies.

"I'm heading out with Alice," she said with a wide grin over her face, "We're going to go shopping and then grabbing dinner. See you tomorrow!"

I watched that perfect, heart shaped ass walk out of my office until it was no longer in my line of sight. Then I remembered how to breathe again.

So I am sure you all are asking: why don't you man up, you fucking pansy, and ask Cinderella to the ball already?

I'd try that—several times. Everything from suggesting a casual cup of coffee to asking Bella to be my date for our company's formal gala. I'd gotten shot down. Repeatedly.

I'd been so desperate that I'd even asked my older brother for help. He'd come up with the bright idea of pretending to be gay to infiltrate the GaGa sisterhood and do a little reconnaissance to find out why Bella wouldn't accept any of my invitations.

He'd initially targeted Bella herself but found her too tough a nut to crack. So then he'd moved onto her roommate Rosalie.

He'd found out that Rosalie thought I was too stuffy and we figured that was why Bella didn't want to go out with me. Hence, my fairly desperate ploy to gain a rep as a playboy.

Emmett had become Rosalie's best gay friend and been able to plant stories about my wild side. The stories coupled with the flowers I began sending the ladies of my harem (a term coined by Bella) had made the love of my life look at me differently. I couldn't figure out if it was a good or bad different.

But change was good, right?

Along the way Emmett had found out that Rosalie was his perfect girl. But she was an avowed single gal—a real maneater who went through men like tissues. She's vowed never to settle for just one man. So Emmett had decided that it was better to woo his Rosalie subtly then announce his intentions and scare her away. He was going to soften her up and then seduce her. He figured it would take him four weeks, at most.

That was a year and a half ago.

Unfortunately, Emmett had been _so_ convincing as a gay guy and Bella and Rosalie had started playing matchmaker. In order to keep them from constantly springing real gay guys (as opposed to pseudo gay guys), Emmett had made up a boyfriend. Everyone keeping up so far?

Then Emmett panicked when the girls demanded he produce his lover. Hence a drunken guy's night out where a pretty inebriated Jasper agreed to be his gay beard, as long as it was only for a couple of weeks.

One year, a couple of really hilarious kisses in public, and a thwarted Alice later, Emmett and Jasper were still a couple.

My parents both had rainbow bumper stickers on their car and the families had met. My mother was pushing for a nice commitment ceremony in Vermont, while mother Whitlock wanted someplace more exotic.

Watching them have to kiss alone was worth my silence.

And now I was contemplating breaking up the happy face couple, throwing my innocent sister at a complete cad, and trying to convince a happy lesbian to bat for the other team.

I pulled up Google and started researching local bars. Shit, I had a lot of work to do.

Was I really willing to scheme for the slight chance I might get Bella?

Fuck yeah.

**Author's Note:**

**I made this chapter extra long because I got such great reviews from the last chapter (hint: stroke the nice author's ego a bit and she lays more eggs). I also was inspired by TallulahBelle's story Elemental and by the hysterical comments and suggestions from Conty, Elizabeth Masen, and Juliebee posted on RoseArcadia's ELS's forum at Twilighted(dot)com. If I am not careful, they'll have me spilling all. I will be posting spoilers, sneak previews, and explanations on the forum so go check it out if you're interested.**

**Fanfiction was acting spotty this past weekend so if I did not reply to a review or email I am so sorry. I love meeting people via fanfiction so I try to respond to each review, even if all you post is boo! ******

**And, as always, a big thank you to my master beta RoseArcadia. **


	6. Chapter 6:Born To Be Wild

**Bella's POV**

Three. Two. One.

The elevator door closed and I breathed a sigh of relief. I reached up and pulled out the large clip that had been tightly binding my hair to my head. I shook out my tresses and rubbed the roots with my fingers.

Goodbye professional Bella, hello real Bella. Damn, I'm starting to sound bipolar.

The elevator doors opened onto the first level of the parking lot and I hurried keys in hand to my car, a very practical Honda civic that would be great when I had a baby. Very practical.

But, fuck it, I wasn't preggers yet and I was so ready to _not_ be Edward Cullen's plain, efficient little assistant.

I sat in the car and stripped off my jacket, tossing it into the backseat. From behind the passenger car I pulled out my caboodle (a remnant from my junior high years but, hey, it still worked great). I pulled it open and I felt a surge of excitement as I saw the makeup and jewelry laid out before me.

Hand twitching a bit from the excitement I snatched up a kohl black eyeliner, yanked the top open, and quickly lined my eyes, bringing the tips up a bit at the end.

[Knock. Knock.]

I jumped at the knocking sound and the eyeliner smeared across my cheek. Fuck. I could've poked my eye out.

The passenger door open and Alice Cullen slid in.

"Fuck, Alice," I said testily, as I wiped away the smudge. "You need to look before you fucking knock, okay? I almost poked my eye out, putting eyeliner on."

Alice looked at me wide eyed. She looked freaked to see the crabby side of Bella. _Shit_, _I feel like I'm kicking a cute puppy dog._

"PMSing much?" she asked, arching an eyebrow at me.

At first I was stunned at her unexpected response, and then I burst out laughing.

"Something like that," I admitted. "Sorry, I took it out on you. I get… a little testy when I leave work everyday."

"Well, I'm not fragile porcelain or anything. Hell, I grew up with three brothers. So don't feel like you have to pull your punches but I do get the right to punch right back."

I couldn't help it, I had to reach over and give Alice a hug.

"That is the best news ever," I told her. "I love people who are frank. It really drives me nuts when someone is overly sensitive and I absolutely detest people who play games and lie."

Alice wrinkled her nose at me. "Yeah, me too. I mean, how would you know who to trust, right?"

"Right," I agreed and I started the car, pulling it out smoothly.

"Thanks for driving and I will definitely check to see what you're doing before I knock on your car door," she said brightly.

"God, I'm a bitch," I said, actually feeling a blush coming on. "You just freaked me out when you knocked."

"It's cool, bitch," Alice said and the winked to show all was well. "But, Bella, I didn't think you wore makeup. I don't think I ever recall you wearing any."

"I don't at work," I admitted. "Alice, the gal you see at work isn't me. Not really."

"Do you have an evil twin I should be aware of? Because, if so, she's a great editorial assistant."

"I just kind of tone down my personality when I am work, try to be completely professional."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" asked Alice incredulously. "I mean we're a pretty laid back atmosphere with a real mix bag of personalities. I mean have you seen the oddballs we have in our art department?. I swear Rob has more tattoos and piercings on his body then brains in his head."

"Edward," I said softly, as I turned into my parking lot. We exited the car, checked the mail, and got on the elevator.

"What the hell did my brother do now?"

"When I first started working for Cullen Industry, before I was Eddie's assistant, he asked me out. You should have seen his expression when I said no. I don't think any girl has ever turned him down before."

"Why did you turn him down?" asked Alice, mystified. "I've heard that people think he's pretty good looking."

"Alice, your brother is smoking hot. Hollywood actor hot. But what kind of reputation would I have gotten if I'd started dating the boss's son? And it was a smart decision, because then I got promoted to his assistant."

"So what happened after that promotion? Was it awkward to work with Edward?"

"He kept asking me out or finding weird reasons for us to get together after work," I admitted. "Always very respectfully, of course. You know stuff like '_Miss Bella, I would be honored if you could accompany me to the company gala'._

"That's sexual harassment!"

"Yes, it is. And I considered reporting him to human services, but, I mean, he is the boss's son and if it had been me or him, you know who would have gotten the boot. I love my job."

I led the way into my apartment, shouted a greeting to Rosalie who I knew was probably busy getting ready for our big girl's night, and headed straight to my room. I went to the closet and pulled out my favorite little black dress.

"So instead of playing the victim," I said as I yanked my clothes off and then pulled the dress down. "I changed. I became the boring dishwater assistant—no makeup, no form fitting clothes and no high heels." I pulled the lacy dress down over my waist. It barely went down past my ass and it showed off the girls to their best advantage.

Alice was looking at me in amazement. "Did it work?"

I decided that the dress was too short to go commando so I crossed over to my dresser drawers and pulled out a red thong.

"Honestly, not right away," I told her as I stepped into the thong and pulled it up. "Do you remember what a nerd Edward was three years ago? I actually think the nun like Bella turned him on more."

"I am so going to kill my brother!"

"Here's the thing, though," I said as I pulled on four inch thigh high red leather boots. "The clothing and stuff was actually good for me. It was like my armor or something and for the first time in my life, my coworkers respected me as a person who had intelligent thoughts and good ideas. It made me more confident and assertive. I definitely liked that part." I turned around in front of my floor length mirror to make sure I didn't have a panty line. "But now I am getting more and more bored with... with being boring all the time."

I went over to the mirror and added smoky grey eye shadow to corners of my eyes and red lipstick over my cheeks. I decided to forgo rouge or powder because I would be sweating like a pig at the club later on. "So we're definitely going to have to get our freak on tonight, girl."

"Wow, Bella," Alice gasped when I turned to her. "You look like a model or something."

"She _was_ a model," said Rosalie from my bedroom doorway. "That's how she and I met. We were both walking the same runways and our coloring made a good contrast, so we were cast together a lot."

Rosalie walked over to my desk and opened up a desk drawer. _Oh, shit, please don't tell me she's going to get… _She pulled out a desk door and grabbed what looked like a swimsuit calendar. _Damnit, she did. _

"Rosalie Hale, don't you dare show that to Alice!" I protested. I tried to tackle her and rip the offending material from her hand as she walked over the room, but pushed out her arm and clotheslined me. Pulling me into her elbow and keeping me secure pressed up against her.

I struggled helplessly as she handed Alice the calendar.

"OMYGOD, BELLA, THESE ARE ALL PICTURES OF YOU!" squealed Alice. She was hopping up and down as she went over each month's picture, examining each one closely. "You look so hot on the laying over this corvette."

"Bella was my first model," Rosalie said smugly. "She helped launch my photography career. And I salute you, young Padawan, for recognizing the make of the car. I continue to find your worthy and we can continue to hang."

"Why did you two stop modeling?" Alice asked curiously.

"Starvation, constant travel, drug use, boredom, stupidity, stalkers…" Rosalie listed. "I think we were both ready to rejoin the real world and get real lives."

I nodded my agreement. It had all been exciting at the beginning but it had gotten old fast.

"I just can't believe you gave up fashion to pursue reading books," declared Alice, looking at me as if I was some strange creature to be studied.

"Alice, I love my job. I love editing, and aside for occassionally staring at my ass or tits, Jerkward is actually a pretty good boss to work for. He respects my ideas and backs up my decisions."

"She's always liked reading books—sort of a closet nerd," Rosalie said. I shot her a grateful look. "But she's decided that in order to be successful in the publishing world she has to be geeky nun. I just don't understand it. Why can't a woman be beautiful and be professional? I hate double fucking standards, like that."

"Ahh, my gorgeous little feminazi," I cooed at her as I reached over and tried to give her cheek a playful pinch. She snorted and swatted my hand away.

"Well, Bella, I do have a closet full of clothes for the boring modern professional woman," Alice said with a wide grin. "This hot, gorgeous professional woman has no use for them." She stuck her tongue out at me.

I stuck my tongue right back at her while sticking my thumbs in my ears and waggling my fingers.

"We ready to roll, ho's?" Rosalie asked, eager to get the hell out of Dodge and ready to party. "You taking your hog tonight?" she asked me.

"Nah, I don't have an extra helmet for Alice," I told her. "I'll just take the Civic."

"Well then I'll meet you there," said Rosalie.

"So you're what a wild child by night and a nerd by day?" Alice asked.

"Yep," I said, popping my p's. "At least until I get pregnant, and then I'll have to give up the Harley for a minivan!"

We got into the car and I pealed out of the parking lot. God, it was fun to let lose. I noticed Alice checking to see if her seatbelt was secure so I slowed down a bit.

"Three years ago when I started this whole dual personality thing, I was completely crazy: I was totally ready to party each and every night. And I do have to admit that, after I'd working as Edward's assistant for a couple of months, I was _really_ tempted to go out with Eddie just to see what he was like in the sack. He looks like he could be a really delish treat and I have quite a sweet tooth"

"Bella! That's my brother you're talking about," Alice huffed. She then ruined her look of indignation by asking, "So why didn't you ever jump his bones?"

"Honestly, because, aside from hitting on me, Edward was really, really boring and steady. Even when he asked me out, it was always with an oh-so-proper tone. I was afraid he was looking at me and thinking about the white picket fence and 2.3 kids and I wasn't ready for that."

"But that's what you want now, isn't it?" asked Alice quietly.

"Yeah, ironic, huh?" I admitted. "I just needed to grow up. If the old Edward asked me out today, I'd go to HR and ask for a transfer to Emmett's division. Then I'd take staid, boring Edward and jump his bones until his starched socks fell off. Too bad he's changed."

"I miss old Edward," sighed Alice.

"Yeah, now he's Jerkward."

"Well, if he's a jerk and all, why don't you go to HR and request a transfer into Emmett's department? I know you have the seniority and grade to move."

"Because I truly enjoy working with your brother—he and I are a good team. He's honestly is a great boss," I replied. "I've cultivated a great group of authors and Edward has given me the freedom to pick a lot of the projects I want to develop. And the people in our department are fantastic and we all work well together."

"Fuck," Alice said softly. "I know we were joking about you having Eddie's kids the other day, but is it possible you've developed feelings for my brother?"

"Wouldn't that just make me the really sad cliché I've been avoiding all these years?" I asked, forcing myself to chuckle over the huge lump in my throat.

Alice thankfully dropped the issue and didn't call me out because I had totally avoided answering her question.

And, damn, after the conversation we'd had, I knew it didn't matter how many hard male bodies I grinded up against, how much booze I drank, or who I took home this evening. I knew I was going to be dreaming of little babies with auburn hair and green eyes.

Fuck.

**Alice's POV**

I shut my office door, softly. I felt like crap. Such a difference from yesterday when I felt at the top of the world. Don't get me wrong, I looked fucking fabulous today if I do say so myself. I was wearing a beautiful Burberry trench coat over a form fitting Chanel suit. My makeup, once again, was fucking impeccable.

But the pounding in my head wouldn't stop and my tummy felt like an H bomb had exploded in it. I was _so_ hung-over.

Strangely, I was excited to feel so bad. It was my first hangover ever. The first time I'd drunk to excess.

_Ugh_. I gingerly worked off the trench coat and threw it somewhere in the direction of my coat rack. I sat down slowly in my chair and lay my head on my desk.

Maybe I should have called in sick. I definitely had the leave for it since I'd never, ever taken a sick day off since I started work, not to mention I was VP of my department and the boss's daughter. Hell, I only took vacation days off when my mother dragged me off somewhere and then I had my laptop and cell along so I could still manage from department 24/7.

I wonder if Cullen Publications would stop running if I wasn't here. I think it might be a good idea if I left and found out. I was planning on leaving for a month so I could start my own PR firm.

Right?

_Ugh, I need to get out of here._

But of course, Emmett chose that exact second to push the door open so hard it bounced off against the wall with a loud thud.

I stifled my groan. If Emmett knew what condition I was in right now, he'd feel like it was his brotherly duty to torture me as much as possible so I could learn the error of my ways.

"Alice," Emmett sang. "I know you were naughty last night."

"Shhhh….." I urged him to lower his voice. Fuck, if the cat was out of the bag then I was fucking in for it anyway.

"I'll whisper if you tell me what color Bella's underwear were last night," he said with a big smile.

"You are such a PERV," I shrieked/whispered.

"But you love me," he bellowed.

"Red"

"So does lil' Alice have big, bad hangover?" he asked, in a loud stage whisper.

"Bite me," I replied and buried my head in my arms.

"No, thanks. I've got blond Adonis to bite. So last night was fun?"

"It really was," I said from underneath my arms. "I drank too much, danced too much, played pool, and ended up pretty much passing out at 4:00AM. Thank God, Bella was there to pick me and put me in bed."

"So you were safe? Bella took care of you, right?"

"Yeah, and Rosalie went out with us as well. She can be _really_ scary. We had no problems with anyone at all."

A strange expression of longing flickered over Emmett's face. "Yeah, she can be one tough bitch, huh?"

"Who's a tough bitch?" Jasper walked into my office and went up behind Emmett, wrapping his arms around my older brother. "Hey, babe, what's taking so long? I thought we were going out for brunch," he laid a kiss on the back of Emmett's neck.

I watched resigned and too hung-over to suppress the hurt that went through me. Thankfully, though, I pretty much felt numb. Maybe being hung-over had unforeseen advantages.

Strangely, instead of relaxing into Jasper's arms, Emmett tensed a little.

"Sweetheart, I asked you stay in my office," said Emmett. He pulled Jasper's arms away from him.

"I was lonely," said Jasper. "I missed my monkey man." My nausea increased.

Emmett sighed. "Alice was just telling me what a great time she had with Bella last night. They went dancing and she passed out at Bella's place last night."

Jasper's face dropped into its disapproving stony glare.

Emmett must have noticed because he asked, "Jazzi, what's wrong baby? Don't you want Alice to have a good time?"

Jasper shook his head. "Of course I want her to have a good time. But Emmie she looks like death warmed over. You know I feel like Alice is my little sister. I am a little concerned about these overnight changes."

"Jasper Hale, I can take damn well care of myself," I said sternly. Of at I tried to say it sternly. I would have shouted it but the cotton ball feeling in my mouth wouldn't permit it. At best, I think I might have hissed it.

"Sure, you can," Jasper said with a condescending grin. Jerk. With adorably full lips. I subconsciously licked my lips and I swear I saw Jasper's eyes widen a bit and stare down at my lips. He in turn licked his lips.

"How about a big smooch?" announced Emmett suddenly, interrupting our staring contest. "I've missed you too, babe. Give me some sugar!" He bent Jasper over backwards in his arms and laid on a huge French kiss. I am serious they were at it for at least a couple of minutes.

Leaving me to try to look anywhere in my office but at the couple practically doing it on my desk. I tried to clear my throat a couple of times to get their attention. Finally, I said, "Guys, get a damn room. I need to do some work here."

Emmett broke of the kiss and said, "Damn, I gots to get laid. I hope the janitor closet on the thirty-seventh floor is empty. Babe, prepare to get split open!" He threw a stunned looking Jasper over his shoulder and thundered out of my office.

Only to return again two minutes later, sans Jasper, a dark bruise blossoming on his right cheek and blood dripping from his nose. Emmett threw a CD at me, "Hey, I really am proud of you. And I am glad you have Bella. So, anyway, I made this mix for you!"

He gave a bellowing roar, pounded on his chest, and ran out the door.

I sighed and picked up the CD. Emmett had written down the playlist in his nearly illegible chicken scratch:

_All the Things She Said, _Tatu

_I Kissed A Girl, _Jill Sobule

_Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover_, Sophie B. Hawkins

_Give Me One More Reason_, Tracy Chapman

_Constant Craving_, K.D. Lang

_Come to My Window_, Melissa Ethridge

_I Kissed A Girl_, Katie Perry

_Damn, what kind of relationship did Emmett think I had with Bella?_

Or was he just projecting his gayness onto me?

I had so many other things to worry about. Now I had to add my older brother who may be going off the deep end.

And I was really worried about what was going on between him and Jasper. I know they'd joked about domestic violence before but the injuries I saw on Emmett were pretty damn serious.

Should I call the police?

God, I didn't know who started it. I didn't want to narc on my own brother.

I definitely needed to keep a close eye on them. Maybe we needed to have an intervention or something…

Fuck.

**Author Notes: Special thanks to Teya211087 & Elizabeth Mason who helped me come up with the lesbian song list on the ELS string on Twilighted(dot)com's forum. I am going to work on a gay version for the next chapter. Let me know if you have any ideas.**

**Also, I hate sexual harassment. It is wrong and should be reported. Bad Bella. **

**Thank you to RoseArcadia for being my Master Beta.**

**So what do you all think of wild Bella? Any bad girl stories you can share with me? I'd love to use a couple in the story…**


	7. Chapter 7: Salty Peanuts

**Carlisle POV**

My stockinged feet up on my nice cushy leather ottoman.

Check.

Ice cold non-alcoholic beer next to bowl of salty peanuts, still in shell, within comfortable arm reach.

Check. _Man, it bites to be on call for the hospital on a Sunday afternoons._

Den door locked.

Check. And double check.

Big screen TV turned onto ESPN.

Check.

Perfect. Life was good. I was actually going to watch an _entire _football game, from start to finish for the first time in years. McMurphy promised to cover anything major and the hospital coordinator had promised to exhaust the list of interns and residents before she even considered me.

My beautiful wife was having a nice lunch with Jasper and Emmett so I was all alone.

Yeah, this had taken weeks of planning but it was so worth it.

The entrance music started and the video panned to a cheerleader wearing practically nothing and jiggling her assets for all she was worth. Life was damn good.

_Got to love American football, eh?_

I was pretty involved in the game, with four minutes til half time and my team had just made a field goal that put them ahead, when I heard a key turn in the den's locked door.

Which could mean only one thing—only one person would dare interrupt my TV watching time. Ok, there were two people who would dare interrupt my television watching but Alice didn't have a key to my den.

Which left… my beautiful wife who I loved dearly. Who I thought was incredible, she was able to juggle running a major publication company while still being a great mother and wife.

A woman I knew who was incredibly lonely now that our large house was empty and all our kids had moved out. Who meddled way too much in the lives of her adult kids, whom she saw every day at work. Who was trying desperately to be brave and cut yet one more apron sting and let her only daughter leave to start her own business.

Esme _had_ managed to fill some of her empty nest loneliness with a plethora of community activities and social obligations, culminating most recently with her quest to become president of the local chapter of PFLAG. But with Alice's announcement last week that she was leaving company, Esme's new found peace had been shattered,

Esme stood at the doorway, arms folded, and stared down at me. "So you're just going to sit around in your underwear and watch football?

"Yep, I'm in my man cave where I am king of the castle, remember?" I asked. "I can hang out in my undies if I want!"

Did I really say undies out loud? Don't get the wrong idea or anything—I was wearing a white beater and pair of boxers. Along with a nice pair of athletic socks so my feet didn't get cold.

"Actually that sounds kind of nice, dear," Esme replied. "I am going to grab a beer, too. Do you want me to make you a sandwich while I'm in the kitchen?"

I almost choked up. How great was my wife? Could this Sunday get any better?

"Yes, dear."

She left and I concentrated on the game. The two groups of players were pretty evenly matched and each play could either make or break my team.

I barely glanced up when Esme came back with the food and beer. I absentmindedly grabbed the BLT club she'd put together (I'm hoping I said thank you but I couldn't swear I had). Special teams had just come onto the field and we were thirty seconds to half time.

My team nailed the field goal and then suddenly it was time for commercials and the half time show featuring some prepubescent pop star.

"All done?" Esme asked, indicating the sandwiches and such.

"Babe, you are the best wife ever," I told her, and gave her kiss on her brow. She looked up at me, hoping I think, for a deeper kiss, and leaned closer.

That so couldn't happen. I still had half a game to watch and if we had sex, I'd be lucky if I saw any of the fourth quarter.

So I cockblocked. "Let me grab the plates and stuff and clean up before the game starts again." I grabbed the lunch stuff and high tailed it out of there, sprinting to the kitchen. I practically threw the dishes into the dishwater and tossed the recycling and trash into their respective bins.

Sweet. Just enough time to use the can and I'd be back in time for the game.

I entered back into the den tentatively and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw my wife wasn't there. I'd worked _way_ too hard to watch this game to be distracted from my goal now.

The game started up again and I heard the den door open and shut again. I looked up when I heard the rustling of clothing.

Gah.

Esme was carefully undressing in the middle of my den, my man territory. She unbuttoned her shirt and took off her jeans, carefully folding them and laying them on my desk.

Leaving my _very_ attractive wife in a pair of boy shorts with matching bra. Both were covered with rainbows--a tribute to her gay son, I suppose. When Esme supported a cause, she really ran with the theme. I noticed she kept her socks on as well.

She settled back onto the other lounge chair at the other end of my desk.

I suddenly felt very, very lonely sitting all by myself in my big leather chair. "Um, honey, what are you doing?"

"I'm following your man rules, sweetheart," she said innocently. "I'm watching the game in my underwear."

Must resist. Must resist.

Do _not_ notice how the rainbows seem to cup her nipples. Or how fucking tight her ass looked in her underwear.

Fuck, my own underwear was doing very little to constrain my growing problem.

Concentrate on the game.

I looked at the television screen, but the figures looked very, very small far away. And I couldn't figure out why I was interested in men in tight pants tackling each other, when I suddenly wanted to tackle my own wife very badly.

Fuck it. Resistance is futile.

I gave up my pretense of staring at the screen and shifted my attention to the hot woman mere feet away from me.

She pretended to be absorbed in the game, but I noticed how hard her nipples were and the blush creeping over her breasts, very attractively. She cheered a little bit at something on screen and her boobs shook like jello in their cloth confines.

I had a flash black to a high school Esme in her cheerleading uniform and I just about exploded. I took in a deep, ragged breath and tried to regain control. Cheerleading Esme had been very flexible and very enthusiastic. And very, very giving.

"Darling, are you okay?" Esme asked, her eyes still glued to the television set.

"I'm a little lonely over all by myself, Esme," I said, my voice husky. "Why don't you come watch the game over here?"

She looked at me suspiciously, I am sure spotting my tented boxers. "Carlisle Cullen, I thought you wanted to watch the game. You cannot just change your mind willy-nilly, especially once I've gotten into it."

Esme did like football. Being forced to cheer all those high school football games had actually given her a deep appreciation of the game. Me, the math geek and Chess Club president, had attended each and every one of those games and developed a deep appreciation for pompoms.

I bit back a groan.

"Baby, I promise I'll let you watch the game if you come sit on my lap," I gave her a steamy smile.

She shook her head. "No, we can do that _after_ the game, sweetheart. You've been talking _ad nauseum_ about watching an entire football game for weeks and how you weren't going to let anything distract you from it. We could have fooled around during half time but you decided didn't want to. Your loss, buddy. Not shut it and let me watch the game."

"New man rule: any woman in my man cave must sit on her husband's lap immediately."

Esme looked at me, at my aroused penis straining against my boxes, and arched an eyebrow. She then shook her head. "I'll just go watch TV in the living room."

She got up and started to put on her clothes.

"You dare disobey a man rule?" I roared. I rushed over to her and pulled the offending shirt she'd managed to get halfway on off. I picked her up in arms and carried her over to my chair.

I sat down and placed her on my lap. I positioned her legs on either side of mine and the reached up and pulled her bra cups below her breasts.

I first cupped and squeezed her breasts, enjoying their malleability and weight in my hands. Esme groaned and leaned her head back against my chest.

I squeezed her nipples hard. "None, of that Esme," I admonished. "Pick your head up, open your eyes, and watch the damn television." She didn't move so I shook my shoulder while squeezing her nipples harder. She groaned but finally obeyed my orders.

I let my right hand trail down her center until it came to the core of her heat. I stroked her through the cotton cloth of her underwear, pleased to fell the wetness in the material. Esme started panting in soft, small breaths,

"How was lunch with Emmett and Jasper?" I asked. Not really caring about the answer, but wanting to punish her a little for my aroused state. I knew she'd be frustrated at having to carry on a conversation and not being able to full concentrate on my finger work.

"What?" she asked distractedly. My fingers had managed to push aside the crotch of her underwear and I was playing with her outer folds.

"Lunch with Emmett and Jasper," I prodded, both verbally and physically.

I guess Esme decided to try to regain control of the situation because she started purposefully squirming against my dick. My eyes rolled back and I instinctively let out a loud grunt before I could stop myself.

"It was good," she replied. She lifted an arm and entwined it behind by neck, holding on to my shoulders so she could find leverage to her press luscious ass against my penis. This caused her back to arch and her breasts to come forward, her pink nipples a feast for me eyes. I used the hand not currently buried in her pussy to tease the two rosy buds mercilessly.

"I'm just disappointed that they've decided against a commitment ceremony," she continued. "Tammy Renee's son is having a joining ceremony next week and that's all she's been talking about at the meeting." I registered in the small part of my brain that was still functioning that Esme was talking about her chief rival for the PFLAG presidency.

"You cannot force your kids to get married so you can win an election," I warned her.

"But…" she started but stopped when I bit her neck.

"No," I told her.

"Jasper and Emmett deserve to…."

"Yes," I told her and I laved the red spot I'd left on her neck with my tongue. "They do deserve to be able to make a commitment. And when it is right for them, we'll be there to support them 100%. But we will not strong arm them into a commitment before they're ready."

"I know," she said and then groaned as I started nibbling her neck. "But I would really love to throw them some type…"

My fingers attacked her clitoris.

"One day, love," I told her. "When Jasper and Emmett want it."

"Ok," Esmie agreed and she exploded on my fingers.

While she was still catching her wits, I stripped her underwear off and pulled out my penis. We both groaned as I carefully sat her down on my erect member. My hands moved to her waist and I began to guide her body up and down. I looked down and watched her ass moving up and down on my lap and I knew I was the luckiest guy in the world.

"I was just thinking about high school," I admitted to Esme. "And how hot you looked in your cheerleader uniform."

She laughed. "I don't think I could even fit into that thing."

"I don't know how I got so lucky. I can't believe you ever agreed to go out with me," I told her.

"You didn't have a chance," she replied, looking over her shoulder at me. "I started failing math so you'd be forced to tutor me. And once I got you to show me your slide rule, I knew I was in love."

"I don't think your parents have forgiven me for getting you to elope with me."

"Oh, I think becoming a renowned surgeon probably took some of the sting out of that wound," she laughed. "And the fact that we've been happily married for almost thirty years and have three gorgeous kids probably didn't hurt either."

I pulled her off me and settled her on all fours on the leather ottoman in front of me. She arranged her limbs and positioned her body so I was able to easily push into her. Thirty years of sex meant we knew each other's preference and body signals. Fuck, I was lucky.

I reached around and played with her clit as I pounded into her, long strides that allowed my stomach to hit her ass. I loved the slapping noise we made; I felt it help mark her as mine.

Her orgasm set off my own, and I came with the image of Esme in her cheerleading suit in my mind.

I pulled off my boxers all the way (they'd were hanging on one ankle) and used them to clean the two of us. Then I pulled us back on my big chair, feeling content and relaxed, and once again thanking the universe for my extraordinary luck.

"Esme, my love," I said softly. I was afraid maybe she'd fallen asleep in my arms, she was so still.

"Yes, darling?"

"I know that I cheated you out of the big formal wedding…"

She interrupted. "Carlisle, I didn't mean to insinuate that I missed out on…"

I kissed her. Sometime it was the only way to get the dear lady to shut her trap and listen.

I pulled back and continued. "How about we have a small 30th anniversary party next month?"

She froze in my arms and then squealed. She then kissed me senseless. I actually felt the stirrings of desire—twice in one afternoon was quite the occurrence.

"We could have a re-commitment ceremony, and then a reception, maybe at the club, and we could invite…"

I listened to her, with growing horror, throw out ideas: each idea growing more grandiose and bigger than the one before.

I tried the kissing tactic again.

"Esme, my love, I was thinking a small party full of close friends and family," I told her, giving her my puppy dog look that I reserved for desperate occasions.

"Oh, no, don't give me that look Carlisle Edward Cullen," she declared. "I've been itching to throw a large party and if the kids won't buck up and get married so I can throw one, you're stuck with it."

I took a breath to calm my racing heart—Esme on a mission was a force to be reckoned with—and garnered my arguments. I was about to start listing them when Esme gave me a wide smile and asked, "So have the nurses at the hospital decided to call you Dr. McSteamy or Dr. McDreamy. I heard at last count, most were leaning towards McSteamy."

Fuck.

"Darling, I swear to you that I've never done anything inappropriate. Nor have I encouraged or even wanted these silly nicknames."

"Carlisle, relax. I know you'd never ever cheat on me. And I know that you were being sweet and loving when you suggested I throw an anniversary party when I know how much you hate it when we host parties. But I want to make sure each of those Florence Nightingale skanks know exact who you belong to," As Esme made this speech her face became flushed and her chest heaved, which was delightful since her breasts were still untucked and jiggling freely for my entertainment.

Fuck me. It was definitely going to be a two-fer afternoon. I might even be convinced to throw parties more often if it led to more sex.

I attacked my wife again. I started nibbling on her breasts; breathing deeply the exotic scent I only found when I nestled my nose in between each of her generous globes.

"Carlisle, I was thinking that since our anniversary is at the beginning of November, we could have a costume ball."

I felt like I'd just been doused with cold water.

"Absolutely not," I roared. "Putting on a costume ball in little over two months is preposterous. And you know how I feel about Halloween and costumes. How about instead we just tattoo property of Esme across my forehead?"

"Carlisle, I know you were picked on as a child and that kids were particularly mean to you at Halloween," she said, brushing my hair out of my face gently. "Especially my brother."

I shuddered as I thought back to my childhood as a lonely boy genius who no one understood and whose family was too poor to even afford Halloween costumes. I remembered the horrible pranks the neighborhood kids would play, especially Esme's older brother Laurent. I still had physical scar on my knees from one horrific Halloween prank, not to mention the emotional scars I carried on my psyche.

Damn, I was shaking. I might actually have PTSD.

"There is nothing you could say to convince me to host, let alone attend a costume ball," I declared. Subject closed.

"I'll dress up as a cheerleader for the ball," she said softly, looking up at me seductively through her lashes. "And I'm sure I could be persuaded to remember some of my old routines."

Fuck.

**Bella's POV**

"Ms. Swan, please come into my office," Edward called. I stood from my desk, glad to be able to move away from the computer screen. It had been a very busy Monday morning and I'd been pretty much glued to my seat since the start of the day.

I entered into Edward's office, my notepad in hand in case he wanted to dictate a letter or assign me a task to accomplish. "Yes, Mr. Cullen?"

"Err…" Edward looked very uncomfortable. "How was the date on Friday?"

"Mr. Cullen, you should be asking Alice about this," I scolded him. "I am not one to gossip."

"I will, I will," he said, his eyes not quite meeting mine. "I just wanted to be prepared in case the date went badly or if, you know, things did not work out."

I could feel myself melting. The guy was concerned about his baby sister dating an unknown man and here I was acting like a complete bitch.

"I think Alice had a great time," I told him, with a reassuring smile.

Somehow he did not look reassured. Instead, he looked a little green around the gills. No wonder Alice never really dated before, what with overprotective older brothers who couldn't even handle her going out on a simple dinner date.

"Well, um, I know you and she…." his voice trailed off and he turned to look out his office window.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen?"

"I am very glad you and she have become such good… friends," he choked out.

"Mr. Cullen, are you okay? Are you choking?" Good lord, maybe I should get him a glass of water or something. Maybe he'd swallowed some spit and it'd gone down the wrong pipe. Was I tall enough to do the Heimlich maneuver on him?

"Uh, I am fine, Ms. Swan. Thank you for your concern. I'm just a little overwhelmed."

"What is it, sir? Maybe I can help you."

"That would truly be appreciated, Ms. Swan," Edward finally turned around to face me. Plastered on his face was a weird, intense expression. I felt as if I was prey being inspected by a predator. A shiver went down my spine. Surprisingly, though the shiver wasn't of fear. It was actually… desire?

Was I actually finding staid, perverted Mr. Cullen attractive? Damn, when he looked at me as if he wanted to pounce on me and eat me alive, I kind of did.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Cullen?" I asked my voice a little breathy.

There was a pregnant pause, and I actually shuffled a little under his penetrating predatory stare.

"Ms. Swan, I would like you to help me plan my brother Emmett's birthday party."

I felt both relieved and extremely disappointed at the same time.

_Snap out of it, Bella. You would have run screaming if he's asked you a blow job or something. _

_Right?_

_Uhh…_

"I'd be happy to help you plan a party," I told him. "Maybe an office lunch? Or do you plan to make this just a family meal or something?"

"Ms. Swan, I want to throw Emmett a huge surprise party."

"That sounds great. Where do you want to have it at? Here at the office?"

"I was thinking we'd have it at a night club or something," he said. "But I would like to invite a lot of people from the office. I am just having trouble figuring out what club would be appropriate. I was hoping you could compile a list of clubs around here and give me a rundown of what type of music each club plays, its atmosphere, and its amenities."

What made Edward think I knew anything about the local clubs? Crap, did he know about my secret life? Up until a year ago I was a nightly regular at the clubs downtown and even now I knew the names of most of the managers and bouncers.

"Absolutely, sir," the words were out of mouth before my brain starting functioning. "Was there anything you were particularly looking for?"

"I want a place where we can dance to good music." He looked at me as if he could peer straight into my soul and discern all of my secrets. "A place where we can really let our hair down."

He knew. Somehow he knew.

Fuck.

**Author Note:**

**So, anyone wondering why they're reading a fanfiction where the characters with the best sex life are Esme and Carlisle? **

**Don't worry, there will be more lemons and they MAY actually occur between our traditional cannon couples.**

**So next POV will be from Edward and someone else. The question is who? I can do any of the characters, but I'll let you all decide. Review and tell me who's POV you want to hear from and any strange thing you'd like to see happen to that character (like a strange tick or something that they have to deal with).**

**I'll try to actually keep score and the winning character's POV will show up in Chapter 9. Or I'll be fucking lazy and make my mater beta RoseArcadia do it. ;) And I'll try to incorporate some of the ticks into the story. **

**I do have to honestly tell you that I never, ever thought I'd write and C&E sex scene but boy was it fun to imagine. **


	8. Chapter 8: Pansy

**EPOV**

_So am I suave enough to pull this off? _

Probably not. But dude, I had to do it. She was like the freakin' linchpin in my entire plan. If I didn't get her assistance, there was no way I could make sure everyone else did what they were supposed to do.

To buy my cowardly ass a little more time, I shuffled though the lists of clubs and descriptions my capable assistant had put together for me. _How creepy is it that I am having Bella help plan the snare to split her and Alice up? _

I am a bastard.

I'd known Bella had the research capabilities and the connections to find the perfect dance club to set the scene for my trap—the best assistant I'd ever had, she'd never once let me down. Poor Bella, though, she almost had an aneurism when I asked her to research nightclubs.

Totally not her scene. She dug stuff like black and white French films with small subtitles and reading large manuscripts of dense poetry filled with imagery culled form Popular Science. She and I had a lot in common.

But, boy, had she come through with flying colors, including details that I wouldn't have even thought about such as how friendly the staff was, how many restrooms were present in the facility, and if there was cover charge or not. I was very impressed with how much research she'd put into this project. Hell, she'd even included a table of contents and coordinating tabs.

I love her efficiency. I love how dependable and stable she is… And, damnit, I loved how she filled out her sweater today.

_Concentrate, douchebag._

I looked around my condo and sighed. I could never have anyone in here without having to hide at least half the accessories—no one knew about my little… hobby. Well, no one but my ladies. I couldn't wait to see them later on Saturday.

I took a deep breath and made my first phone call.

"Hello?" came the feminine voice on the other side.

_Suave, Edward. You need her to force the others to participate in your nefarious plans._

"Rosalie, it's Edward."

Silence.

"You know, Emmett's brother and Bella's boss," I prodded, hoping the silence meant that she hadn't recognized my voice and not that she hated my guts. "You eat lunch outside my office a couple of times a week with Bella."

"Yes, hello Edward," she replied, stiffly. Crap, she hated my guts. "Why are you calling?"

"Umm…" I stuttered, "You're Emmett's best friend and…"

"Edward, I am reading the latest Christine Feehan book and I am the part where the hero and the heroine are about to fuck so I have very little patience and absolutely no fucking desire to shoot the bullshit right now."

I gave a little gasp, surprised at her course language.

_Oh shit, did I just gasp like a little girl? _I _am_ a pansy. I started to hyperventilate a little.

"Edward, I am about to hang up this fucking phone because you're getting pervy on me. I do not appreciate men I barely know panting on the phone. You better have your hands off your dick, you sick mother fuc,,,"

Shit, I was fucking this up.

"IT"S EMMETT"S BIRTHDAY!" I yelled over the phone and Rosalie's foul mouth. Damn, for a girl who looked like a Disney princess, she sure talked like a hoodlum.

Silence.

Rosalie sighed. "What about Emmie's birthday?"

I suppressed nervous giggle. Note to self: give my brother shit about being called Emmie.

"PARTY! WE NEED TO THROW EMMIE A SURPRISE PARTY!"

"Edward," Rosalie said slowly, sounding as if she speaking through gritted teeth. "This would work much better if just stopped screaming into the phone and told me what you want." She added a soft "Moron" that I don't think she intended for me to hear.

Ok, cool and collected. Keep the eye on the prize. Bella in that tight sweater. Bella without her tight sweater.

"I need you to help me throw Emmett a surprise party," I blurted out.

"Oh."

"You know how Emmett is always pulling pranks and surprising people with stuff, I just thought it would be fun if we turned the tables on him. And I know he'd never believe me if I suddenly asked him to show up at a certain time and place. So I was hoping that you'd like to get a laugh at his expense, and help me set the goofball up. I know Jasper will help but I figured you'd be the best person to trick Emmett into showing up. " _And make Bella put in an appearance too. _

"What did you have in mind?" she asked warily.

"Well, I have a list of a couple of clubs downtown that I think would be a great place to throw the party. You know how much _Emmie_ loves dancing, especially with Jasper."

"Is this going to be at a gay club?"

"I was thinking it would be at a regular club with a relaxed attitude towards gays. That way we can invite a lot of coworkers and close friends. We can all take turns doing shots with him and a lot of places downtown will give out free drinks to the birthday boy/"

"You want business associates and friends to see Emmie get shit faced? Possibly ruining his rep both professionally and socially."

"Ummm… Yeah?"

Rosalie burst out laughing. "That sounds perfect—just like something Emmie would do to you. He'll love it! I guess you're still smarting about Emmie putting your middle school diary on Facebook, huh?"

I clenched my hands so tightly my fingernails cut into my palm and I knew I'd drawn in blood. Any guilt I'd felt about misleading Emmett was totally out the window. I think I convincingly said, "Exactly, it's just a little payback. And it was a journal, not a diary."

Silence. My voice cracking like I was back in middle school might have tipped my hand to my prior ignorance.

I started to fidget.

"Fine," Rosalie snapped. "Edward, just because I agreed to do this for _Emmett_ doesn't mean that you and I are friends or that I approve of your fucked up, pervvy ways., _capice_?"

"Yeah." WOOPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Let's do lunch tomorrow and we'll work out the logistics."

She hung up on me without even a goodbye.

I let out the breath I'd been unconsciously holding and banged my head against my coffee table. Part of me was elated that my plan was finally in motion, part of me was happy that I'd gotten Rosalie's support, part of me was guilty as hell that I was going to hurt my sister and the woman I loved with all my heart, and part of me wondered how I was going to get Rosalie to like me. 'Cause it was important that she like me, right? I mean she was Bella's best friend and roommate. And girl's cared about their friends opinions. Maybe if I got in good with Rosalie, then I'd be that much closer to Bella.

I needed to concentrate on wooing Rosalie's friendship while wooing Bella's heart.

I definitely needed to ask my ladies for help this weekend with my problems. I knew between the eight of them, someone would have a good idea for getting a woman like Rosalie to actually be my friend.

But first I grabbed my laptop and went to the Amazon website and searched for Christine Feehan.

Huh.

Imagine that.

Scary Rosalie dug vampire romance novels. Of course, Feehan was published by one of our competitors, but it was funny because Emmett was the editor for so many authors writing in that genre. He absolutely loved it.

What a strange thing for the two of them to have in common. Learning more about Rosalie Hale was already paying off in dividends: I might be able to bribe Emmett from detaching my head from my shoulders once he found out about my trap.

I was rather fond of my head on my shoulders. Of course, if Emmie really did publish my journal from middle school, I'd half to rip _his _head off _his _shoulders. And I am sure Jasper, my life long partner in crime and a well documented character in my prepubescent scribblings, would help.

Wasn't middle school when I went through my grunge-I-love-Nirvana-but-hate-baths stage?

Fuck.

**JASPER POV**

Thank god the phone was ringing. I fucking hated grading my freshman Intro to Western Civ class's tests but I refused to pass the duty on to one of my schmuck TAs. It was important that I get a feel for how well my class was understanding my lectures and to try to cull the few bright shiny stars from the majority of idiots.

Of course, halfway through my pile I'd come to the not so profound conclusion that (1) there were no shiny stars in this year's class and (2) I was the idiot for not pawning the task on my TAs.

"Yo!" I said into the phone, still distracted by Olivia Conty's atrocious handwriting. I swear her chicken scratch was in a fucking foreign language. I might have to make a special exception for her and actually let her take the next test on a laptop or something, if only to spare my eyes this torture.

"J-, did I catch you at bad time?"

"Eds!" I said enthusiastically. "What's up, bro?"

"You're grading again, aren't you?"

"You are an insightful man. Are you reading my mind or have you finally given into your control freak stalkerish ways and placed a candid camera in my office?"

"Elementary, my dear professor: it's the only time you're ever happy to hear from me."

"True. To what do I owe the honor of this well timed interruption?"

"Hey, Rosalie and I are going to surprise Emmie with a birthday party. You in?"

"Emmie?"

"Your cousin's nickname for your main squeeze, man. You may want to be careful—she may be trying to steal him away from you."

"Fuck you," he shot back, half heartedly. He and Emmett had pretty much become immune to my gay jokes. However, didn't make them any less funny for me. "I wasn't aware that you and Rosalie were on speaking terms."

"New development," I admitted. "I thought she'd be a great asset in trying to dupe Emmie. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to get in tight with Bella's best friends forever,"

"You are one sick pup. _That boat has sailed, guy. _Bella is gay. Loves pussy. Loves your little sister's pussy."

"So help me, Jazz, you _ever_ mention my sister and that word again, I will break you."

Silence. I felt like a piece of shit. I never spoke about women that way, much less Alice who I honestly had the greatest respect for… But I hadn't been able to get her out of my mind for the last two weeks and I was becoming a little obsessed with her… well, her you-know-what.

"Dude, I am so sorry," I apologized, while perching my glasses on head so I could rub my bleary eyes, hard. Maybe if I poked my thumbs deeply enough I could scrub out the image of Alice and all her girlie parts.

More silence.

"About, Emmett and his party," I said, trying to change the subject. Eds wasn't a guy to get over his anger easily so I knew I'd be dealing with his hostility for the next couple of weeks. Great. "I think you should know that I am about to break up with Emmett."

"About time, you poser."

I laughed. Ok, Eds probably hadn't forgiven me, but he hadn't thrown me over to the dark side either.

"So what do you need me to do?"

"I need you to pick up the cake and some balloons,"

"Sounds doable."

"Oh, and you can be Emmett's date and dance with him and stuff, right?"

Fuck.

**Emmett's POV**

"Why you calling so early on a fucking Saturday morning, dude?" I complained. "This is my one morning to sleep in."

"Emmett, it is fucking 11:30 AM, and McDonald's just fucking stopped serving breakfast," Jasper said, his ire clearly evident, even over the telephone. "You and I need to talk."

I stretched and scratched my head lazily. Jasper's voice effectively had killed my morning Saturday wood, which meant I would get to indulge in my favorite Saturday morning ritual.

"What? Did I leave the toilet see lid up again?" I needled him. "Dude, you know you and I are in a _fake _relationship, right? I think you may have gotten a little too in touch with your feminine side here. Next, you're gonna be asking me if your ass looks big in your pants."

"Fuck you."

"No, thank you. That's the point. We only _pretend_ to do that." I practically giggled when I heard Jasper's frustrated huff of breath over the speaker. It was so much fun to get his panties in a twist.

Uh, that is figuratively, not literally.

"You're a fucking asshole," Jasper said, clearly irritated.

"Partner abuse!" I shouted. "You hurt my feelings. You and I need to learn to communicate effectively and clearly if this relationship is going to work. I am sure Edward can recommend a boring book for us to read to help improve how well you insult me, bitch."

Jasper burst out laughing. Finally, the flower had reached up his ass and pulled out his sense of humor. He definitely needed to stop hanging around my brother so much.

"Wassup?" I asked as I scrunched my pillows behind my back.

"I can't do this anymore, Emmett. I can't be your gay beard."

So it had finally happened. Jasper finally got fed up with the whole thing and was ready to move on.

"Is it another guy?" I asked, throwing a few warbles into my voice.

"No, it's your smoking hot sister, douche."

I went from zero to a hundred in less than a second. "I WILL KILL YOU, MAN. YOU WILL CEASE TO EXIST. YOU LAY ONE HAND ON ALICE AND…"

I stopped roaring when I realized the SOB was laughing his ass off at me. OK, I'd fallen for it: hook, line, and shit filled sinker. I waited patiently for Jasper to stop laughing, allowing the bitch his victory.

"Dude, Alice is like your kryptonite," he said between chuckles that sounded suspiciously like giggles. "You've sooooo got to lay off the juice. It could make your testies shrivel up—not that you have any use for them. How long have you been practicing abstinence?"

This didn't get a rise out of me. After all, I wasn't abstaining per se, I was just waiting for my queen. But it wasn't any of this fucker's business, so I chose to remain silent and let him get it all out.

"So we cool, man?" he asked.

"Seriously, bro, thank you for being my pretend lover for so long," I told him, my heart actually giving a little lurch. Only a true friend would have put up with that shit and come through for me the way he had. "You were really there for me and I 'preciate it."

"No probs, man. But it's time for us to move on. My mom came over with a catalogue this weekend of china patterns—you know just in case you and I decide to have joining ceremony this fall. And, dude, as much as I love you, I cannot be married to you."

"Who knew our mothers would be so damn supportive?" I complained. "My dad thankfully distracted my mother by letting her throw some huge anniversary party next month. Poor sap."

"So what are you gonna do?"

I'd been giving it a lot of thought since the last time Jasper and I had talked about breaking up, and being a single pseudo gay man no longer filled me with fear. I was grateful he'd given me the time to adapt and make a game plan. Not that I was going to say that shit to him or anything. I may love to read romance novels but fuck if I'll ever spout any of that fucking drivel.

"I'm gonna milk getting dumped for all its worth," I replied snidely. "You're gonna be the prick who dumped poor lil' ol' me and broke my heart. I am going to need to nurse my broken heart for a long time."

"You know my cuz's cure for a broken heart is more dick, right?" he asked incredulously.

I knew. But fuck if I wanted to be reminded of that about my queen. Prick.

"Well, I plan on distracting her."

"How?" he asked, cautiously. Oh, he had every reason to have his albino chicken legs tremble.

"Cause I am gonna spend the next couple of months trying to win your cheating black heart back with the help of my ladies. Rosalie will be given plenty of opps to comfort my poor ass who just can't give up on her cousin. We'll have to come up with a cute name for it like "Operation Bring Back the Loving Felling" or something."

"Fuck."

**Author Note:**

**I hope you all are enjoying this as much as I am enjoying writing it. Picture me cackling and snorting—it's not a pretty picture. This entire story may be an excuse to use every cuss word I know. ******

**So Emmie and Jasper got the most votes last chapter. Is there anyone else you want to hear from?**

**We'll def hear from Bella next chappie but I am still undecided on who else… **

**Also, I am trying to figure out costumes for the characters for Esmie's masquerade ball. Any ideas? **

**I love reviews. (HINT)**


	9. Chapter 9: Multicolor Balloons

**Rosalie POV**

I parked my red BMW M3, feeling the power behind it--even while it was idling--from the custom turbo kit Emmie and I had installed last summer. I took a deep breath to compose myself, switched off the ignition, and exited the car, shutting the door with care.

The bouncer in front of the nightclub Breaking Dawn shouted, "Hey, Hale, I hope you don't fuck the way you park!"

I rolled my eyes. The meatball was referring to the little bitty fact that I'd angled my car over three parking spaces. An empty parking lot was definitely a perk of getting to the club unfashionably early.

The only fucking perk.

"You moron," I called back to Seth, the bouncer, "that line only works if I'm a guy."

"Why?" Seth asked, obviously confused.

Yep, this is why my friend Seth was a bouncer at a seedy nightclub and not the CEO of a Fortune 500 country.

And there was no way in hell I was going to park in just one of these too-narrow-trying-to-pack-too-many-fucking-drunks-like-fucking-sardine parking spaces. Fuck no. I intended to be here til the bitter end tonight, and I knew my cherry red, mint condition exterior would be a siren's call to every shit head who'd had one too many. Which pretty much meant every fucker who walked out _Breaking Dawn's_ doors tonight.

"You'll figure it out, sugar," I told Seth, who still looked befuddled. "Now come help me get all this shit out the car," I ordered.

He complied, abandoning his post at the door. It was barely 6:30 pm and the doors didn't officially open til 9:00 pm. The only reason Seth had been hanging by the front door was because I'd called him five minutes ago for help unloading my car.

There was no way in hell Rosalie Hale was going to carry multicolor helium balloons into the club. What was I, a fucking clown?

Even if there wasn't anyone around to actually _see_ me looking foolish, I just didn't do foolish. _Breaking Dawn's_ queue didn't start forming outside the club until 8:00 pm. The doors didn't even open to the general public until 9:00 pm.

But fucking Jerkward had insisted we get here 2 ½ hours early to decorate.

A night club.

What a fucking ass. Whoever heard of decorating a nightclub? Once the lights went out, not one could see shit anyway.

At our organizational luncheon last week, Jerkward and I had agreed to meet at 8:30 to _organize._ We'd never talked about a fucking cake with Emmie's picture plastered on it or a 101 balloons to _decorate_ the fucking club. And then the douche decides I'm responsible for picking up this shit. How the fuck did he think 101 balloons were supposed to fucking fit into my small sports car? Well there were now 30 balloons. The other 71 were flying off to heaven.

Not that the fucker had consulted with me before changing plans. I'd gotten a fucking _message_ on my cell yesterday, in a quivery panicked voice, telling me about the change of plans and the new time to meet. And my new fucking responsibilities.

I'd try calling back to tell him he could sit and rotate on his new fucking responsibilities, but the asswipe never picked up his damn phone. Or called me back, despite the detailed threats I'd left on his phone.

And I would have blown off the new time but for the fucking cake that had to get picked up before 6:00 pm. The sneaky bastard--sending me off to get a perishable so that I had to follow his asinine plan. I had no idea why Jerkward was running me in circles but I was going to make the fucker regret it.

The evilness of my thoughts must have shown on my face, because Seth took a step back. "Dude," he muttered, and he made a gesture with hands as if to ward off the devil.

Normally people thought I was just a bitch. I guess I was upgrading. _Sweet._

I pushed back my ire, hiding it behind my best Colgate smile. "I need you to carry this cake and these balloons for me, sugar," letting my voice deepen and become a bit throaty. Jasper was not the only Hale who could pull off a charming Southern accent.

_Fucking Jasper._

Seth blinked at me and stuttered, "Sure thing, Rosalie." He looked comical gathering and then juggling the bagged helium balloons and cake. I grabbed my perfectly wrapped gift for Emmett, a little something I knew would help him get over his recent heartbreak, and followed Seth towards the club.

"Is Bella coming tonight, too?" Seth called over his shoulder.

Bella. My best gal pal. The Cagney to my Lacey. The Thelma to my Louise. The Kanye West to my Jay-Z. Between the two of us we pretty much knew every bouncer, bartender, DJ, cocktail waitress, and barfly within a mile radius around the little shithole I was currently following Seth into…

This knowledge definitely came in handy for times like this when I could simply hit one button one my cell and—presto—get a curbside escort.

As I entered the club, murky even with its daytime phosphorescent lighting on, I patted the side of purse to make sure the vial was still securely in place. Edward was definitely going to pay for his lame-ass antics. His fucking panicking and amateur party planning chickenshitedness (not sure that was a word but it def applied in this situation) was going be rewarded, and he was going to get his just deserts.

Of course, I had been planning this ever since the ho-ass has had initially called me about the party. But until last night's pansy, geek-out move, I'd actually felt a little guilt.

And Rosalie Hale did not do guilty well.

Today, there was not an ounce of guilt. Not a smidgen.

_Fucker. _

The biggest downside to being dragged to the club at this puppy forsaken time was that I couldn't help get Alice ready for her ball. I'd wanted to make sure she showed _everyone_ what a kiss ass chick she'd become. It was time she sawed off the umbilical cords: they'd become so atrophied she needed a fucking chain saw to cut through them. It was just too funny that the cords ran to her brothers, not her mom.

Esme was cool.

Thinking of Alice made me think of my cousin again, who'd just moved up to number one on my shit list, even before the mondo annoying Jerkward. First, he'd been caught using his Hale mojo on little Alice by Bella. Hopefully, our little butterfly had shaken it off and moved on. We Hales were lethal.

I raised an eyebrow at Leah the bartender and she pointed a bottle in the direction of the far corner. I casually strolled over, still fuming about my fucking cousin.

The second reason he was on my shit list was that he'd actually given me hope. Stupid fucking me. After a year of seeing him and Emmie in a stable, committed relationship, I'd actually thought he'd been able to kick the Hale curse. Hell, he'd even been mostly faithful.

I stopped mid stride, pretending to examine my shoes as I felt frustrated tears burn the sides of my eyes. _Poor Emmie_. He'd spent the week at my apartment, crying his eyes out: his heart utterly broken. I'd had to hold him for hours, stroking his hair, while he moaned about how much it hurt, how much he missed Jasper, and how much he wanted my scummy cousin back.

I'd tried to warn him when he and Jazzy first started dating. _Never love a Hale_, I told him. _We just can't do monogamous relationships._

"Rosalie, is that you?" I heard a male voice. "I was beginning to think you got lost or something. I mean, I asked you to be here five minutes ago, and I was afraid that you didn't get my mes…"

I looked up at Ho-ward, glad to have a target for my feelings.

Sometimes my face is entirely too expressive.

"Fuck," he yelped.

**Alice POV**

I checked the brightly lit sign above the door. _Yep, I was at the right place_. Edward had asked that I arrive at 9:00 pm promptly, because Emmett was to arrive at 10 pm. And I was, for once, right on time.

I'd hoped to have Jake with me, but he'd gotten called away by a client at the last minute who was having eleventh-hour doubts about whether he really wanted to build a wine cellar with today's economic woes: he was afraid a wine cellar made him look pretentious. Since the wine cellar was due to built tomorrow, Jacob had to meet with the client tonight to assuage his fears. The plan was Jake would then meet up with me later, hopefully after my brothers were nicely liquored up.

I hadn't told Edward about my date because I _knew_ he and Emmett would have overreacted, gone ape shit, and acted like overprotective goofs. I could just see them calling up the FBI for a background check, badgering Jake's boss for a character reference, and generally doing everything in their power to embarrass me. It was definitely better if I just surprised them.

After I'd bought Emmett a couple of shots.

I scanned the intimidating line of people waiting to get into the club that was snaking out the front door: it didn't seem to be moving at all. Was I supposed to get in the back of it? Or was I supposed to bypass it because I was attending a private party?

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and clutched my purse to my shoulder. Suddenly, I was wishing I hadn't worn such revealing clothing. The black denim skirt that barely covered my ass and the flimsy, sparkly red halter top had seemed like a good idea when I thought I'd have an escort on my arm.

Now, with the way people were eyeing me--especially the group of loud, obnoxious frat guys at the end of the line--I wish I was wearing a nun's habit. Or one of my Anne Taylor suits.

Damn, I wish I had been able to catch a ride with Bella or Rosalie, but Rosalie hadn't had room in her car, and Bella was running around like a crazy woman running errands for my brother. The need to plan a killer surprise party was a side I never thought I'd see in my reserved older brother. I wonder who he was trying to impress… I couldn't imagine it was Emmett.

_Maybe it was Rosalie._

Huh, that was a possibility. Edward had been spending a lot of time with her, planning the party. Rosalie was a lost cause, for sure, though. I just couldn't see her agreeing to be the ninth member of Edward's harem.

I _had _offered to help Edward plan the party but he insisted that he didn't need my assistance and merely requested I "showed up on damn time for once". I squelched the hurt I felt at being excluded yet again by family. Obviously, my passive aggressive brother was still making me pay for daring to upset the balance of his world by leaving Cullen Publishing and embarking out on my own. Ironically, his bitchiness was actually making it easier for me to leave.

_Dang it, I wish I had my cell_. I _would_ be calling and asking Rosalie or someone for advice on how to enter the damn building, but Edward had _accidentally_ dropped my cell in a cup of coffee this morning.

Passive aggressive twit.

I garnered my confidence and went up to the door. A big, burly bouncer loomed before me, effectively blocking the entrance. He looked down, way down, at me and sneered, his arms crossed.

"Um, I'm supposed to be…" I stuttered, nervously yanking at a curl at my neck.

"She's with me, Fred," a male voice said from just over my shoulder.

_The universe fucking hated me. _

Of course, Jasper would be the person catching me looking indecisive and insecure, an unwelcome reminder of how unsophisticated and unworldly I really was despite the packaging change.

_Chin up, bitch_, I imagined Rosalie yelling. God I am delusional, but it worked. I felt myself pull in a breath and, as if there was a string attached to the top of my head, pull myself up to my full height.

_The bitch is back_, added my imaginary cheerleader.

Fuck, yeah. _._

Jasper's POV

_Dead fish. Rotting corpses. Emmett naked._

The fates must fucking hate me. Because I was just being tortured. For the last couple of minutes Alice Cullen had been a few feet in front of me, shifting from one foot to another in the tightest, shortest skirt I'd ever seen, causing her firm ass cheeks to rise one at a time, and her skirt to fly up, teasing me with the possibilities of seeing heaven.

I stood behind her for a good five minutes outside the club, watching their movement, until I was realized I wasn't the only douchebag enjoying the show.

Every single male eye outside the club was focused on Alice's ass.

I had to bite back—hard—the need to growl at them and yell MINE. I wanted to grab her (while carefully covering her backside) and drag her off to a dark cave and make her my possession. _See if she was still as flexible as she had been as a competitive gymnast growing up…_

Who was this guy? I honestly didn't recognize this possessive freak inside me. I'd never wanted to possess just one woman. And hell, I wanted to do more than just possess Alice: I wanted to mark her, to hog tie her somewhere so that the only pair of eyes who could see her fucking ass was mine. I wanted her completely in my power, so that I alone could enjoy her sweetness.

Fuck, I was scaring myself.

And then the bouncing ass cheeks moved, and, as if under their sweet spell, I followed the behind, my eyes glued to the two perfect orbs.

I'd heard her stutter, as she tried to ask Fred for permission to enter. And I recognized the look on Fred's face, knew Fred well 'cause this was _my_ favorite night spot, the place I chilled out at every Friday night, my territory. Fred wanted to get between Alice's creamy thighs. He was going to try to score with _my _Alice.

So I'd intervened. And the way Alice's ass had clenched when she'd heard my voice had just about made the general go off. My dark side flashed images of me falling to my knees, pulling up that flimsy piece of materials, and burying my face between those two globes.

Instead, I'd been the gentleman, placing my hand at the small of Alice's bare back, trying to block out how good her satin skin felt under my fingers.

_Nuclear bombs. Orphans. Famine. Sherman surrendering. _

And I walked her past pervert Fred and inside the darkened club, where Alice's beauty would be harder to see.

Fred actually had the audacity to wink at me as we passed by. I barred my teeth at him in response, a silent warning. He looked shocked.

I was shocked. My protective older brother instincts must be getting mixed up with my newfound desire for Alice.

_Damn her, for confusing me like this. For disrupting my neatly ordered world in which I was historian during the day and ladies' man at night. _Yeah, I did sort of think of myself as Indiana Jones…

Alice stopped suddenly at the edge of the crowded dance floor. I just barely missed plowing in behind her and planting the general up against where he desperately wanted to rub against. The general screamed at me in fury. He was not used to being denied.

"Do you see everyone?" Alice asked, calling from over her shoulder.

"Uh, who are you meeting here, darlin'?" I asked, mesmerized by the sleek line of her neck as it ran up to her profile, which was haloed by the club's neon lights.

"Everyone," replied Alice. "You know, for Emmett's surprise party."

"What? Emmett's party is here at _Eclipse_? Tonight?"

Alice turned towards me, her huge eyes searching mine. "Um, yeah. You didn't know?"

"Darlin', Emmett and I broke up last weekend," I admitted to her. "I don't think I'm invited to the party."

"You broke up?" squeaked Alice. "I'm so sorry, Jazz." And she did look remorseful. And she didn't look hopeful. Not one bit. She didn't look at me with those hero worshipping eyes I was so used to… The look that I was secretly hoping to see in her eyes when I spilled the beans.

I felt a little tug in the area of my chest. _What the hell was that? Was I having a heart attack?_

I rubbed my chest. "Yeah, it sucks. But I'm hoping we can all still be friends."

"Sure," Alice said, but her eyes slid away from mine, and I knew she was lying. I suddenly couldn't breathe very well. _Alice was leaving me._

"Well, then," she said. "I'm gonna go find the party. Thanks for getting me in."

And she started to walk away, looking so small compared to the crowd around her. Without thinking I raced after her and grabbed her elbow, accidentally/ intentionally brushing the side of her breast in the process.

I turned her around to face me, so tempted to bring her flush up against me.

"Let me escort you around the place," I told her. "I am quite familiar with it." I grabbed her hand in mine and led the way around the bar and through the cocktail area.

I didn't see anyone who looked like they were a part of Emmett's surprise party, but I did greet a lot of the regulars. I ignored the curious looks Alice's arm in mine was getting. Jasper Hale didn't normally allow women to cling to his side when he was making his rounds in _Eclipse._

"So you come here a lot?" shouted Alice, over the music. I'd dragged her up to the bar and held up two fingers to Gina, the bartender.

"Yep," I admitted. "This is pretty much my home away from home. Far enough from the university so…"

"You don't have to worry about hitting on any of your students," Alice finished for me.

I nodded my agreement. Alice was fully ware of my man-whore status.

Gina returned with the two ice cold Fat Tires, and I handed one to Alice. She looked at it suspiciously and then took a tentative sip. She didn't spit it out so it must have been ok.

I chugged mine back and then requested a double of scotch, which lovely Gina poured on the heavy side for me. I threw it back and then threw down thirty dollars, over tipping by at least ten dollars.

"Let's keep going," I told Alice, and she agreed. This time she walked in front of me, heading for the bathrooms in the corner.

Some loser who decided the entire bar was one big mosh pit suddenly jumped in front of Alice and pushed her into me. I instinctively pulled her close and, without realizing what I was doing, hunched down so I was the right height and rubbed the general right up into Alice's junk.

_Fuck that felt great_.

Alice gasped and elbowed me in the gut.

_Ow!_ For a short petite girl, she has bony elbows.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

We made it to the bathroom hall, and Alice continued walking. I followed her down the hall, past the area where I knew patrons were allowed to venture.

"I bet you there are private rooms for parties back here," Alice said.

I said nothing and followed, once again hypnotized by the swing of her hips and the way her ass cheeks moved.

Alice opened a door at the end of the hall and peered in. It was pitch black so she fumbled for a light switch. Light flooded what I knew to be the janitor's closet.

Alice looked disappointed and turned towards me. "Well, I guess we should head back. I don't want to miss my date."

I wasn't drunk. I wasn't suddenly overcome by passion. I knew exactly what I was doing when I grabbed Alice and pulled her into my arms, covering her mouth with mine, forcing my tongue into hers to plunder while my hands moved up under her skirt to grope and massage the flesh that had been taunting me all night.

After a moment, her arms crept up behind my neck and I felt her hands thread through my hair. I wanted to howl with joy at her surrender. Instead I broke off the kiss and attacked her ear lobe before whispering triumphantly, "Does Bella make you feel like this?" I moved back and attacked her lips again, letting fingers delve between her ass cheeks moving aside her thong and running them up and down her puckered opening.

I heard her moan, and the sound was fucking intoxicating. I dropped to my knees, leaving her leaning against the utility shelving that ran against the wall, and I nearly wept when I saw the lacy black material that covered her mound.

I grabbed one side and ripped it off, wanting full access to my treasure. I parted Alice's folds and feasted. Her screams and the hands clutching my hair driving me to want more, to make her forget any other lover but me. I punished her clit with my tongue, insane that anyone else had ever tasted her but me, and I inserted my thumb into her, marveling at how tightly she gripped my digit. It was my turn to moan as her flesh rippled and caressed. I could not wait to get the general in there.

Impatient now, I began replaced my thumb with my index figure so I could rub her in the right place while I sucked her clit hard.

Alice's climax made her entire body convulse and I roared as I heard her screaming my name. I kept playing her until I felt the tremors cease.

I pulled away and looked up triumphantly at the wrecked goddess in front of me. I stood up and pulled her skirt down, "Come on let's go," I commanded.

"Where?" she asked softly. I lowered my head and kissed, forcing my tongue into her mouth so that she could taste herself.

"My house," I told her.

"But my date," she protested.

"Bella can fucking take care of herself!" I spat out, my hackles rising.

Alice backed away from me warily. "What does Bella have to do with it? I meant my date, Jake."

"What?" _What?_

"I invited the guy I was dating to meet me here tonight," Alice said slowly. "Did you somehow think Bella and I were together? Like together together?"

I suddenly felt three inches tall, and I actually felt heat stain my cheeks. My first blush _ever_.

I yanked open the door and stalked out.

I walked straight over to the bar and called out for a triple shot of scotch. Gina handed it to me with a clean white towel.

I was confused for a second and then I remembered I had Alice all over my face. I quickly wiped away her traces, and then like the perv I am, I brought it up to my nose to inhale.

Only to scream in agony as some of the locks at the base of head were pulled yanked from their roots.

I turned around to see a livid Alice, "What the fuck was that about Jasper?"

"Nothing," I said. "It was a mistake."

She opened her mouth, ready to give me a tongue lashing, which the sick fuck in me was actually anticipating, but she was interrupted by a smooth, bass voice that carried even through loud music.

"Alice," it called.

Alice and I both looked in the direction of the voice. A tall Native American guy was easily parting the crowds and heading towards us, his large frame easily parting the sea of drunks and ho's.

I turned towards Alice, and I hurt.

Across her face was a large, welcoming grin.

Alice was dating another _man_. A man she obviously liked.

Fuck. Me. Hard.


	10. Chapter 10:Femmett

**Edward's POV**

"Do you have any nonalcoholic beer?" I asked the bartender, a striking woman whose features showed her to be of Native American descent.

She nodded, while drying glasses.

"I need you to serve me it in a regular mug tonight, please," I requested handing her a hundred dollar bill. "I'd appreciate it truly if my companions were unaware that I was drinking a nonalcoholic beverage."

She arched an eyebrow at me.

"I'm allergic to alcohol," I confessed, feeling like a dweeb. "One small beer and I will be higher than a kite. Two drinks and I might end up in the hospital."

Both of the woman's eyebrows lifted in alarm at the latter part of my confession.

"Sure thing, buddy," she assured me. "Lonestar good for you?"

I nodded, recognizing the name of the Texas brewery that put out a fairly decent non alcoholic beer.

Yeah, if Bella could see me now she'd realize that I was the biggest nerd in the world. Thank goodness I don't have to wear a retainer anymore, and I got corrective eye surgery just before she became my assistant so she never had to see me in my thick, black rimmed glasses.

My biggest fear was that one day Bella would realize that I was a boring twenty-eight year old bookworm who drove a Volvo, lived alone with his cat, and still let his mother dress him.

So now that I'd fallen to the dark side and was basically lying to everyone I knew, I might as well hide yet another flaw: my dorky allergy to alcohol.

The bartender handed me an icy mug of beer and I turned around to scan the club.

Emmett should be arriving at any minute. The warehouse size building was crowded, and Rosalie was sulking like a three year old on the opposite end of the bar, chugging down the bottle of Cristal champagne I bought her to appease her anger.

She was pissed that my decorations _could_ be seen in the club with the lights off despite her earlier assertions (temper tantrum) to the contrary. It had completely slipped my mind to tell her that the balloons and my banner reading "Happy Birthday, Femmett" all glowed in the dark.

I'd been too distracted worrying about my little sister. If everything went to plan, then she and Jasper had _accidentally_ met tonight and hooked up. Maybe even realizing, finally, they were meant for each other.

I know, I know, Emmett is the romance editor, not me.

I just hoped Alice was ok all alone at that other club, _Eclipse_. She is so much like me-- socially inept. If Bella hadn't set up everything tonight I shudder to think what might have happened. I might never have figured out how to get into the damn building, with its queue of waiting partiers that wrapped around the block.

I picked up the mug of beer put in front of me and took a small sip while I scanned the area Rosalie and I had roped off for our private party. The _Breaking Dawn_ management had even given us the small side bar for our own use, along with our own bartender—Leah, I think was her name.

Everyone we invited was here but Bella. Damn, I hope I hadn't worn her out. She'd been such a trooper, really the engineer of this party.

"Edward," shrilled a nasally voice. I turned and saw Jessica, one of Alice's PR underlings, at my side. "This party is crazy! I just _love_ the signature _Femmett _drink. I am _so_ feeling buzzed right now, and I totally know I am going to hook up with someone and have mind blowing sex tonight!"

She looked at me, her eyes slightly un-focused, her expression expectant.

_Whoa! Did she expect to hook up with _ME_? _

Jessica was the office bicycle—anyone could ride her and many, many, _many_ had. Including my brother Emmett before he discovered he was gay. _I wonder if Jessica turned him pretend gay?_

My relaxed, happy feeling evaporated. And my boys tried to crawl back inside as Jessica pressed her large (fake) boobs into my arm and ran her long (fake) red fingernails up my arm.

_Get it off me! Get it off me!_ My inner nerd shrieked.

"Hey, skank, fuck off," Rosalie snarled at Jessica from her throne at the end of the bar.

"What?" asked a flustered Jessica. "Are you two like together together or something?"

"It's really none of your fucking business who I let put his dipstick in me, now is it, slut?" barked back Rosalie.

I was utterly frozen, completely shocked by the vulgarity coming out of her mouth.

Jessica flushed a dark red color and rolled her eyes, before turning away and slithering off to find her next victim.

"Get that girl another bottle of champagne!" I yelled at Leah.

"Whatever, bitch," Rosalie said, but she wasn't glaring at me as strongly as she had before and she definitely didn't turn away the bottle of hooch.

If buying Rosalie that overpriced shit meant she kept the office skanks off my back, then I was happy to dip into my Star War fantasy game winnings to keep her happy. And boy was I going to be the fucking KING at work on Monday when motor mouth Jessica told everyone I was banging _the_ Rosalie Hale. There was no way the night could possibly get any better.

Damn, I was feeling practically giddy.

A Breaking Dawn employee came plowing through the crowd and ran up to Rosalie's side. "Femmett is here!" he exclaimed, excitedly.

"Thanks, Seth," she replied. He helped her climb up onto her barstool, where she placed her two forefingers between her lips and gave a piercing whistle. Our area of the bar dimmed and the crowd got quiet.

I saw a big hulk of a figure enter the club and suddenly ABBA's "Dancing Queen" blared on the speakers and a spotlight shined down on a stunned looking Emmett. Every single person in the club turned their attention to the show at the door.

My bro's stunned expression turned into a huge smile. He raised both his hands and waived limply, then blew a kiss to the crowd who cheered like crazy. The crowd, as if by magic (probably with the help of Rosalie's club bouncer buddies/ henchmen), parted and allowed Emmett to jog easily to our area.

We unrolled our banner and balloons rose up to great him—not as many as I would have like but it still looked pretty cool.

I sat back and watched Emmett say hello to friends and family as he slowly made his way to the bar. I lifted up my mug to toast him as he got closer, only to have my frosty mug ripped out of my hands. Damn, my reflexes felt slower. Normally, I can keep my drink safe from my older bro.

Emmett slammed back my drink. Slammed it onto the bar and yelled "Give me another one!"

I laughed at silliness and turned to let Leah know that I'd be paying for all of my brother's drinks—I am a fucking god at Star Wars Fantasy—when the world spun a little bit.

I grabbed hold of the bar. I looked up at Leah to see she was staring at Emmett in absolute horror, her mouth hanging wide open.

Yikes, was she one of my brother's former conquests? Given his tomcat ways, it wouldn't surprise me in the least. This could definitely be awkward.

Excellent.

"Leah," I beckoned to her. She held up a finger for me to wait because she was busy pouring shots for Robby Pattinson, who was showing her his tongue ring. I guess that is what passed for flirting in tattooed freak land.

I looked up to check on Emmett and saw he'd made his way over to Rosalie and was chugging down one her bottles of champagne. Obviously, she hadn't given him permission to touch her stash because she was trying to wrestle it away from him.

As if she had a chance against my brother, former keg-stand king of his fraternity. Yeah, my family is _so_ proud of that accomplishment.

Leah placed another beer in front of me.

"Is this non alcoholic?" I hissed at her.

She nodded warily at me.

"Did you give me an alcoholic drink before?" I demanded, my words a bit slurred.

She shook her head side to side emphatically. And then a guilty expression crossed over her face as she stared at my brother.

"Leah, what did you do?" I demanded. She didn't answer, turning away to attend people at the other end of the bar, as if she didn't hear my question. "What the hell did you do?"

"Is something wrong, sugar?" asked a sultry voice at my side.

I turned quickly, overcompensated, and nearly fell off my stool. An elegant hand with long silver fingernails grabbed my arm and helped me regain my composure.

I followed the lovely digits up a smooth, toned arm to a sexy shoulder that led to a swan like neck up to the most gorgeous face I had ever seen. I couldn't help but stare at the black haired creature who sat next to me.

She was dressed in a really small red dress that bared her shoulders and showed off exquisite breasts—the hills are alive. Praise the lord!

With heroic strength I pried my eyes off her breasts, which I swear were literally begging to be petted, and up into her beautiful amber colored eyes. I couldn't quite place her ethnicity, but the woman before me was definitely exotic. Her skin was a dark tan color and her pitch black hair was drawn up into one of those fancy things on a woman's head that are supposed to look messy but really probably take hours to construct.

Yowser.

"Uh…" I said, impressed that I _could_ even make a sound in the presence of such beauty. Hey, at least I wasn't drooling.

_Fuck. Ignore the growing puddle developing on my left hand. I will not wipe my chin. _

_I will not wipe my chin._

Fuck, I had to wipe at the Niagara Falls of spit coming down my chin. I think we'd just established my desirability at zilch.

"So do you know the birthday boy?" asked the goddess in front of me.

I felt a huge, goofy smirk spread out over my face. She talked to me. Ok, now brain process what she wanted. Form response.

"Brother," I blurted out. Progress. I was no longer stuck on monosyllabic sounds. I'd been able to say a whole two syllables. Maybe one day I would be able to breed.

"Oh, cool," said the woman. "Emmett seems really great. I hope you don't mind that Rosalie invited me? I feel like I'm crashing the party."

I will name my first born child Rosalie, regardless of the child's sex.

"I'm Edward," I said. I spoke! A whole sentence. I even remembered to offer the woman my hand, although I almost melted into a puddle when she placed her hand in mine.

"Tanya."

Is there a more beautiful name than Tanya? I think not.

"That's a beautiful name."

The woman seemed especially amused by this observation. "Thanks."

"Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure. A scotch and soda, please."

I beckoned towards Leah, who was looking at my companion with real interest. I guess she thought I'd wouldn't be hooking up with anyone tonight, so was surprised that not only had I landed a real life female, I'd gotten the best looking woman in the whole damn room.

I gave Leah Tanya's drink order and asked for another beer while part of my mind was debating on how many children Tanya and I would be having and whether we'd want to vacation in the Bahamas or in Maine.

I handed the mixed drink to Tanya and nestled the beer in front of me.

"So what is it you do?" she asked.

I explained my job and position hesitantly; afraid I'd turn her off by boring her with details of my trade but, surprisingly, she seemed fascinated by the world of publishing and my position as vice president of Cullen Publishing. Probably meant that she was a gold digger, but I was totally ok with that. It meant my chances of getting to see her naked increased significantly.

"Man, I've been talking a lot about me," I stated, after realizing we had spent the better part of an hour talking shop. And, to my amazement, Tanya had seemed genuinely interested in my work and seemed very well read. I might just have to reassess my opinion on the intellect of truly gorgeous women. This girl was smart. And I was having trouble keeping up—whether that was because of the first drink Leah had handed me or because of Tanya's overwhelming beauty, I was not sure. "What is it you do Tanya?"

"Ok, I am one of Rosalie's models," she replied, shooting me a sultry look from under her eyelashes.

And you are talking to me. I think I just found religion. Yeesh, my normal mental filter was completely gone this evening, wasn't it?

"Would I have seen you in anything?"

She paused for a second: she seemed to be weighing what she was going to say next.

"How interested are you in calendars of cars with half naked girls draped across the hood?"

"Typically, that's really not my cup of tea, but if you're the girl draped over the car, then I'm _very_ interested."

"Well, maybe one day I'll show you one of my calendars."

My eyes literally crossed and I felt steam coming out of my ears.

She leaned over, giving me a generous view of her cleavage (blue lingerie) and whispered huskily into my ear, "Do you want to dance?"

Like a puppy dog or an enchanted zombie, I blindly followed the swish of her hips until she'd led me to the middle of the dance floor. Although the music was mostly techno, we melded our bodies together and grinded to our own rhythm.

I kept my hands respectfully well above the Mason Dixie line, but after five minutes of having her pressed against me, I was quite disrespectfully pulling her hips to mine. The friction was spectacular.

Tanya turned around, placing her behind onto my crotch and brought my arms around her middle. I loved that even with heels; her head barely reached my chin. And I felt special, blessed even, to be holding such an exotic creature in my embrace.

Tanya started dancing again, teasingly asserting pressure again Little Eddie as she moved her hips in a circular motion. Her upswept hair gave me perfect access to her neck and I started nibbling, inhaling her alluring scent. She smelled of vanilla with a hint of sandalwood, which suited her sophisticated worldliness. Completely opposite from the citrus and strawberry smells Bella always wore.

At the thought of Bella, my enthusiasm began to wane. And confusion set in. How could I feel so attracted to Tanya if I was really in love with Bella?

It was hard to reason this out with the music thudding painfully loud and my head still muddled from my ingestion of real alcohol earlier. Thank the stars Emmett had tossed the drink back before I'd drunk more than one sip.

"What's wrong, love?" Tanya yelled into my ear over the throbbing dance beat.

"I just need some fresh air," I replied, pulling at my necktie, which suddenly felt like a noose around my neck.

Giving me a knowing smile, Tanya grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs to the second floor of the club, past a velvet rope marking the VIP section. I was a little hesitant to trespass but the female bouncer just waived us on through.

"Thanks, Alicia," Tanya said, giving the bouncer a small waive.

We passed a couple of closed doors until we reached a set of French doors at the end of the hallway. Tanya opened it up and led me onto a secluded balcony.

I inhaled deeply as fresh air hit me.

"Is that better?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered, although the noose around my neck had not loosened. The night air had helped stop some of the dizziness, but my mind was still frustratingly foggy. "Tanya, you seem like a really nice girl and… Well, I feel I must tell you I'm in love with someone else."

"Really?" she asked, looking disappointed. I will not lie by saying my ego loved that she was upset. "Is it one the women in your harem?"

"You know about them?" I asked, shocked. "How?"

"Rosalie and her roommate, Bella, have told me a little about you," she responded.

Oh, shit on a stick. Tanya knew Bella. I wonder how well?

"Where is Bella? I really thought she'd be here."

"She's out with her boyfriend," replied Tanya, her expression a little frozen. She must not approve of the boyfriend.

Wait a moment.

"Boyfriend!" I shrieked. "Are you sure she's not dating a girl?"

Tanya started shrieking with laughter. "No, I'm pretty positive he's a he."

I sent a silent prayer of apology to my sister Alice for all of the evil thoughts I'd had of her for the past week.

"Is it serious?" I asked.

"Yes. She keeps going on about how she wants him to be the father of her children."

I sat down on a bench lining the balcony with a thud.

Tanya sat down beside me. "Edward, do you… do you have feelings for _Bella_?" She sounded so aghast that I instinctively lied.

"No, of course not. She's my assistant but I am a little hurt she didn't even tell me she was seeing someone,"

"So, are you in love with someone in your harem?"

"You don't mind about them?"

"I won't lie, Edward," she said. "I don't like to share."

"Can you keep a secret?" I asked her, hesitantly. "I mean you can't tell Rose or Bella or anyone."

"Yes," she replied, looking me squarely in the eye. I weighed the consequences of telling her, and decided if she did squeal it probably wasn't the end of the world. And I was really tired of carrying this secret. And thinking too hard made my temples hurt.

"I am not actually sleeping with anyone in my harem," I admitted.

"What?" she shrieked, springing to her feet.

I rose as well, and feeling awkward, walked over to the balcony's edge and looked out over the city. The view was absolutely breathtaking and it helped center me.

"I kind of led people to believe that I was sleeping with my ladies," I admitted. "But I am not having sex with them."

"So you're just dating them?"

"Something like that."

"Why on earth would you lead people to believe you're a male whore?"

Ouch. I winced at that. "I wanted to impress a certain lady with my prowess. I wanted to appear exciting and adventurous, instead of a boring yuppie with a nice retirement plan."

"Wow, having a harem in _no_ way impresses me," she said simply. "So did you make up the women in your harem or something? Are they a figment of your imagination?"

"No, they do exist and I do see them every weekend. It's nice to have _something _of a social life."

"Who is this girl who you are trying to impress?" Tanya was wearing a deep frown. Somehow it didn't diminish her dazzling good looks at all.

"Uh, you wouldn't know her," I lied.

"Are you and she in a relationship?"

"No," I sighed.

"Why not?"

"She doesn't know I'm alive."

"I know you're alive, Edward," Tanya told me, her eyes pleading with me. She reached up and touched her lips to mine. And it felt strangely right.

I reached up and cupped her jaw and deepened the kiss.

Tanya pulled away to murmur, "Don't touch my hair, it is fully of really gross product."

Duly noted.

We kissed for a while longer. Internally, I was waging a battle. And the part that wanted me to finally let go of Bella was raging against the emo part that wanted to mope around for her forever.

Tanya once again pulled away and I almost howled in frustration.

She stood in front of me, and reached behind her, sliding down her zipper and pulling down her slip of a dress.

There she stood in front of me in nothing but a midnight blue teddy.

Fuck.

**Author Notes:**

**Dedicated to: Gabbie, Alicia, Logan, Sara, TallulahBelle, Conty, Olivia, Kermit, Jada and every other awesome person I have met through these reviews.**

**I have NOT given up on this story. In fact, I am amazed at how it amasses more readers every single day. I had a brief hiatus because it took me about three weeks to recover fully from Strep—I am now finally going to sleep at my regular bed time, which means I have time to write each night before I go to bed. I am 100% better so no worries. **

**And, if you have a chance, check out TallulahBelle's story "It's only Rock and Roll", which was dedicated to yours truly. She also writes an AMAZING story called "Elemental" that keeps me up at night trying to figure out plot twists.**

**Please review. I am amazed, agog, and inspired by the feedback I receive. **


	11. Chapter 11: Turned On

**Dedicated to everyone who will be seeing the midnight showing of New Moon tomorrow night. If you have already seen New Moon because you live in Australia, I strongly dislike you right now (you know who you are). By Friday morning, though, I am sure I will find in my heart to forgive you bitches. Maybe. **

**Tanya's POV**

A brisk wind hit my bare skin, snapping me out of whatever alternate universe I'd been in.

Snapping me back to reality, out of my lust fueled haze.

Fuck.

Was I really standing in front of my _boss_ in just my undies?

Shit.

I'd just gotten so caught up in his green eyes, with their sparkling gold flecks. Gotten way too close to his chiseled jaw while inhaling his delicious scent, and I'd allowed myself to be snared by his magnetic presence.

But I could have totally handled his physical appeal—I received a full dose of his dazzling good looks every single day at the office.

What had made me lose my normally tight hold on my sanity (AKA my hormones) was how he had been talking about _me_.

It was utterly intoxicating.

Talking _not_ about me, Tanya. But, _me_, Bella.

Edward had spent the last hour talking about work. He was obviously proud of his family's company and the books the company published. He talked how pleased he was to be a part of the family business, part of its legacy. And he talked about his competent assistant—_a lot_. About how indispensable she was and how she was the mastermind behind tonight's party—wasn't it just fantastic—and how he was going to be at a total loss when she got promoted to junior book editor next month. He kept slipping in references about this wonderful assistant _Bella_, sort of off hand, without seeming to realize _how_ much he was talking about me.

I'd felt Edward's charm before, witnessed his intelligence and generosity, and never, ever felt the need to pounce on him, tear off his shirt with my bare teeth, and do naughty, naughty things to him. Before tonight.

Hell, I even had this stupid fantasy about having his children, which I'd mistakenly shared with roommate. I'd just thought his children would be intelligent and good looking. _But I'd never really thought about the process to get those children… _I guess I'd been repulsed by the idea of his harem…

But now…

_Ay caramba. _

Edward had always treated me well as an employee (aside from occasionally leering at my backside when he thought I wasn't watching or the sporadic request for a date). I'd known he liked me as a woman and he thought I was competent at my job, but I really had no idea he admired my work so much. It was such a turn on.

At first though, when I heard him praising the super efficient and indispensable Bella, I'd been suspicious that Edward had seen through my disguise and was just blowing smoke up my ass. But I soon realized that my boss just wasn't that great of an actor. There was no way he could make himself blush on cue. And he was just… so sincerely passionate about describing Cullen Publishing and the way it worked, which included many, many mentions of Bella. He kept threading his hands through his hair and making these wild gestures with his hands.

_Capable Bella. _

_Really my right hand man. _

_She puts up with a lot of my crap. _

_Bella keeps the non-fiction division running like clockwork. _

The wild hand movements also made me realize that Edward might be a bit intoxicated, but he was definitely coherent so I don't think he was really drunk or anything.

So I have a sexy man in front of me who admires _me_, not because of my looks, but because I am good at my job. To Edward, Bella was more than how she looked on the outside, _more _than how she looked in a bikini.

And now as I watched Edward's eyes darken and desire pool, I knew that Edward also found me desirable.

And I still had enough of my old impetuousness and daring left that unzipping my dress and jumping Edward's bones _had_ seemed like a really good idea.

But the cold wind hitting my bare skin made me realize just how dumb the idea was… First, it was really cold. Second, sleeping with my boss while deceiving him probably wasn't the brightest idea I'd ever had. Third, I just wasn't a girl who could sleep with a guy unless I had real feelings for him and… Fuck. Fuck. _Bella, you are not having feelings for your boss! You are _so _not that cliché. _

"Uh, Tanya, are you alright?" asked Edward, looking horny but concerned at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I told him, and I leaned down and grabbed my clothes. "I thought I could have a one night stand with you, but I am just not that kind of girl. I'm so sorry."

Heat bloomed on my cheeks as I struggled into my clothes, ready to bolt. I really wish my hair was loose so I could hide behind it.

"What makes you think I'd sleep with you?" asked Edward. "That's a bit presumptuous, isn't it?"

I froze with my dress half on, utterly mortified. Fuck, I'd just made a total ass of myself. Thank goodness Edward didn't know who I was… _ASS-UME, Bella, you dumb chit._

"Just kidding," said Edward, with a kind smile. He placed a hand under my chin and lifted my face up to his. I was instantly mesmerized once again by his green eyes. I could see a reflection of myself in their glossy surface and I looked dazed. "I cannot believe a gorgeous woman like you would even consider sleeping with a geek like me. You made my year by allowing me to see you just now. And, I have to tell you, I am disappointed that this was going to be a one night stand. I feel… strangely attracted to you. I don't normally get along this easily with the opposite sex, especially a beautiful, mysterious lady."

Fuck. Fuck the cold. Fuck my reasons.

I released my clothing, kicking my dress away, and flung myself at the boy, angling my lips up at his. He wrapped his strong arms around me, warming me nicely. Edward stiffened for a second and then opened his mouth to meet mine.

And let me tell you for a supposed geek, the boy could kiss. My franticness melted away under his steady, firm kisses. I closed my eyes and saw sparks. My fingers somehow found their way to his hair, which thankfully wasn't shellacked with gel. Instead, I enjoyed stroking its silky texture.

Edward shrugged off his sports jacket and placed it around me without breaking our kiss. I slid my hands down from his head to his chest so the jacket would catch on my shoulders. My fingers found the front of Edward's shirt and I quickly began unbuttoning its fastenings, pulling apart the material. His skin was so warm compared to my cold hands, and he flinched a little when I first made contact.

I wanted to feel more, all of Edward, and our current position was definitely not conducive for my explorations.

I placed my hands against his bare chest and pushed him back towards the bench. Slowly, he permitted me to guide him and he sat down, allowing me to straddle him.

I now felt how hard and firm Edward was all over, and I shamelessly rubbed myself against him.

Edward's mouth left mine and I involuntarily made a small grunt, disappointed to my very core that I'd lost contact with those glorious lips.

"Tanya, I don't want a one night stand," he said, placing small kisses along my jaw.

"Ok," I agreed. I was eager to get back to kissing and other stuff.

"Promise me you won't disappear like Cinderella or something," he said.

"Yeah, " I replied, not really paying attention to what he was saying. "Please, please, Edward." Good lord, I was begging.

"You must have stepped out of my dreams," murmured Edward. His lips went lower and found my lingerie clad breasts, and I screamed

I heard Edward chuckle and murmur a quick "sh!" before moving to my other breast. I bit my lip, hard, as I felt his tongue lave the top of my breast and move down to my nipple.

Fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. OH MY GOD!

One of Edward's hands moved down and started playing with the edge of my underwear, as he continued his leisurely exploration of my chest.

"Edward, please," I begged again. My hands were now clutching his shoulders and my head was flung back. Edward's jacked slipped off my shoulders and we both hissed as the cold air hit our skin.

Edward bent down--his face was still nestled in my chest—and groped blindly for the jacket. He brought it up and I put my arm in the sleeves to avoid having it fall down again.

Edward placed one hand on the small of my back and the other disappeared under the jacket. It began a slow, torturous journey from my breast down to the top of my underwear and then lower to the point between my legs.

He stroked me through my underwear, and I almost jumped out of my skin. His touch was electric. My body wept in response—I was so ready to feel him within me.

His fingers pushed aside fabric and then, finally, he was touching me intimately, making lazy circles that sent jolts throughout my body.

I brought up on of my hands to cover my own mouth, to muffle the noises that were coming out. But Edward's sudden entrance into my core took me by surprise and I shouted out lout in ecstasy.

"Hey, is someone out here?" asked a nasally female voice that I recognized immediately.

At that moment I hated Jessica-the-cockblocking-cunt with every fiber of my being.

Edward immediately removed his hands and buttoned up the jacket as best he could.

"Ewwww!" squealed Jessica. "There are people who are totally having sex out here. Can you imagine?"

"Gross," replied a velvety English accented voice that I recognized as belonging to another employee, Robbie Patterson.

Fuck, it would _so _not do to get busted naked while on top of my boss by two of the biggest gossips at Cullen Publishing.

Edward and I froze. Not daring to move an inch for fear that the twosome would identify us.

"Let's get out of here before we catch a STD or something," Jessica said, snottily. "What kind of skank would have sex here?"

"But I need to smoke!" whined Robbie.

"We'll go out by the front and smoke," Jessica replied. "The bouncer at the door _is _so hot."

"Ohhhh, you're so right sister," agreed Robbie. I hadn't realized Robbie swung that way. Since I'd heard he'd nailed half the girls at work, I guess he was bi or something.

The door slammed, signaling that Jessica and Robbie were gone.

Edward and I looked each other with wide eyes and then burst out laughing.

"I haven't done anything like this since college," Edward declared.

"Stick with me, babe," I teased.

Edward stopped laughing and gazed deeply into my eyes. My own laughter dried up in my throat under the intensity of his gaze.

"I would like that, Tanya," he said. "I have to admit this club thing isn't really my thing. Do you want to go get coffee or something?"

"You want to go get me coffee..._now?_?"

Edward gave me an amused smirk. "Yeah."

"But what about…" I waved at the space in between, reminding him that we'd almost had sex on the public balcony at a seedy night club. Sexual frustration was fogging up my thought process and I was having trouble thinking up the right words to say.

"I really liked this," Edward said, arching an eyebrow at me. "And I hope we do it again. Soon. But you and I just met and… I want to get to know you better. You're very hard for me to read, and I find you fascinating."

Me, fascinating?

"Plus, I am still a bit tipsy and I think it would be best to be completely sober when I make you scream next time."

My heart skipped a beat. Edward planned to make me scream again. Yippee!

"Ok," I agreed, trying (but failing miserably) to sound nonchalant. "Let's go get some coffee."

"Tanya?"

"Yes, Edward?"

He wore a mischievous smirk on his face. "You may want to get dressed before we freak out the waitress at the IHOP."

I looked down and saw I was just wearing Edward's jacket, which despite being buttoned at the waist, did very little to protect my privacy. I could still see that the left cup of my blue bra was down below my breast, and a hickey was developing just south of the nipple.

I felt a blush rise from the tips of my toes all the way to the top of my scalp.

I'd been so wrapped up in Edward, I hadn't even noticed. _What kind of skank would have sex on the balcony of a nightclub with her boss?_

This was so not good.

Fuck.

**Rose's POV**

_Ugh._

_Crap. What the hell died in my mouth?_

_Shhhh….. Thinking to loud. Whisper._

I slowly opened eyes_. Ahhh. Too bright. Fucking sunlight._

_Okay, rest eyes for a bit._

_Huh, that hand on my breast does not belong to me._

_Okay, try open eyes even slower. _

I cautiously opened my eyes and realized I was in a bedroom that was strangely familiar, yet I couldn't place it.

I slowly turned my head, shoving the feeling of nausea back down, and followed the hand to a wrist to an elbow up to a shoulder and to the back of a man's head.

_Hmmm…a dark brunette._

I eased the sheet that was covering my nude body and looked down to see I was sticky all over. And I was pleasantly sore in places while still feeling wonderfully relaxed, which confirmed my suspicions that I'd had sex last night. The love bite on my right thigh cemented it.

_What the hell did I do last night? More importantly, who did I do last night?_

I was going to kill Emmett. The plan was for us to crash at his place after the party. He had probably dropped me for some twink.

I looked at physically fit body draped over the unmade bed. _And I ended up hooking up with a muscular man with a tattoo of tweetie bird on his right shoulder._

_Fuck._

I struggled for breath. I _knew_ that tweetie bird.

I threw on my clothes before racing to the bathroom attached to the bedroom. I knew exactly where it was since I'd been in this room many a time. Just never in the bed of the room's occupant. Normally, I was a guest who slept on the couch downstairs.

I barely made it to the bathroom before I upchucked everything in my stomach.

_How the hell had I ended up sleeping with my gay best friend?_

After flushing the toiled and cleaning up a bit, I peaked outside the room. Emmett was still crashed out on the bed.

Images were starting to pop into my head from the night before. I pushed them back into their closet and mentally turned the key. I'd go there when I didn't feel like I was one inch away from death.

I slowly trudged out of Emmett's room and downstairs to the front door.

I gingerly opened the door and got a second unpleasant surprise: my cousin was standing in front of me. He looked like he hadn't slept a wink the night before and smelled like he'd been to a Phish concert.

"Jasper, what the hell are you doing here, you asshole?" I demanded and then grabbed my head as the gods punished me for my anger.

"Rosie, you don't look so good," Jasper whispered. He took my arm and guided me to the sofa. He plucked his sunglasses off his head and placed them over my eyes. "Let me get you some water."

Jasper quickly returned with a cool glass of water, which I tentatively sipped.

"So last night was Emmett's surprise birthday party, huh?" Jasper asked. "Looks like it was a fun shindig."

"Why do you care?" I hissed at him. "You dumped Emmett, remember, asswipe."

Jasper turned away from me and stared out the large bay window. "Rosie, I made a terrible mistake breaking up with Emmett."

_Oh, god, no_. My stomach lurched.

"I never should have broken up with Emmett. I didn't realize how much I need him… how much I love him."

I was still a few feet away from Emmett's front door when I threw up lord knows what into the entry hall. I had been aiming for the shrubs outside but didn't make it in time.

I just kept running, leaving my cousin to clean up the mess in the hallway. And the man passed out upstairs in the bedroom.

I furiously wiped away hot tears. Not only may I have fucked up my relationship with my best friend, but I'd completely betrayed my own cousin.

In one night I'd managed to obliterate my own personal code of honor. I was nothing but a dirty, whoring Hale after all.

FUCK.

**Author Notes:**

**Did Rosalie get her just deserts?**

**Yes, Bella is Tanya. It was KILLING me not to tell you so I have been in hiding. Then, right when I was ready to publish, real life came along and kicked me the patootie for a bit. **

**And, yes, I am purposely using Robbie Patterson as opposed to Robert Pattinson. No, I don't think Rob is bisexual or covered with tattoos. Unless, he's staring in my fantasies… **

**For anyone looking for something new to read and who loves Jerkward, check out Lolapop's Summer of Salt on Twilighted(dot)net. **

**Lastly, to anyone who has some loose change and a kind heart, check out Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation for Childhood Cancer. There are a number of very cool items and fanfiction author's works being auctioned off this Friday. You can check it out on the home page of twilighted(dot)net. Since I am far from wealthy, I am pitching in with a group of other writers to get something good. **


	12. Chapter 12: Rohypnol

**Author Notes: **

**Dedicated to everyone who has bugged me for an update. Especially, my forum gallies iciri-piciri, tallulahbelle (who has the BEST fanfiction called Elemental), RoseArcadia, conty (who is THE A&J fanfiction aficionado), and dont_run. **

**And there is a special shout out to Phileas whose email made me get off my behind and actually publish this chapter. **

**Caution: this chapter deals with a date rape drug and the possibility of rape (no rape occurred). I understand some people may not want to read it (and I will send you a summary if you want to skip this chapter—just request it in a review or email me directly). I do not take the possibility of rape or the use of a date rape drug lightly. There will be serious consequences. Nor do I think rape or the use of a date rape drug is funny. **

**Jasper POV**

"Come in you two!" Esme exclaimed. She pulled reached out and pulled me and Emmett through the door. She'd quickly stripped us out of our coat jackets, ushered us into the sitting room, and served us cocktails.

I took a large gulp of my very strong Glenlivit and soda. It had been a very trying week. And now we were at the obligatory Saturday Cullen dinner. Joy.

"So you have to tell me everything," exclaimed Esme. "I promised Carlisle that I wouldn't pester you with questions until Emmett was out of the hospital, but now I have got to know why my eldest child ended up getting drugged with a date rape drug at his birthday party."

Emmett visibly choked at his mother's mention of his hospital stay. I pounded him hard on the back until he was able to breathe again.

I remember walking up the stairs last week after cleaning up Rosalie's little gift for me in the foyer. Since I'd never, ever seen her lose her composure before, I hadn't been too upset. Actually, seeing her actually do something as human as vomit had been highly amusing.

I'd gone upstairs, expecting to find Emmett extremely hung-over. Expecting to find out what mayhem he had allowed Rosalie to involve him in.

I hadn't been very concerned when I'd seen him passed out on his bed.

Being the dutiful best friend who'd gone through this routine many times before with Emmett, I'd poured him a glass of water. It was important to keep him hydrated after he pulled a bender. It lessened the length of his hangover greatly and made him easier to tolerate.

What had concerned me was the fact that no matter how hard I tired, I could not wake Emmett. I'd even resorted to pouring said glass of water over Emmett's head and I still could not rouse him.

This had been out of character enough that I'd decided to call 911. That makes me sound rational. Actually, I had torn up Emmett's place looking for a phone, before I remembered I had a cell in my jacket pocket.

When the EMTs arrived, I'd been absolutely shocked to find out that Emmett was going into septic shock. It took at lot to take down Emmett. And then later, when Carlisle had returned with the lab work and we'd found out that he'd been drugged with the date rape drug Rohypnol, I was shocked again and so very angry.

I guess no one ever expects a man to be given a date rape drug. Especially a big, muscular guy like Emmett.

The police had been called in even before Emmett had even woken up, and they'd started an investigation. I'd, of course, tried to get a hold of Rosie right away, but she did not answer her cell. I'd hoped she could tell me who might have drugged Emmett. Whether anyone had had the opportunity take advantage of Emmett while he was fucked up.

Stupid me.

It never occurred to me that _she _might be the idiot… be the reason Emmett almost died.

Emmett had been so freaked when he finally woke. He couldn't remember anything that happened after he got to the bar. His entire evening was a blur. Emmett had to be poked and prodded everywhere so that a rape kit could be put together, to preserve evidence of…

And he'd asked me to be there with him while he got scraped and prodded. How could I deny him my presence when I should have been at the party to watch his back? He's one of my best buds. If not for my stupid, fucked up feelings for Alice that I couldn't seem to get a lock on, I would have been there. Watching his back. Instead of feeling up his younger sister in the back of a seedy nightclub. I'd failed him on so many levels.

The police were especially interested in the fact that Emmett was gay. As if that fact made him more a target for some sick fuck. I'd been so pissed off at their attitude I'd said nothing about our charade. Well, I also kept up the charade because it meant that I had 24/7 access to him so I could protect him while he was so vulnerable, trapped in that hospital bed, because Carlisle and the hospital thought he and I were together.

The police had been able to interview the bartender at the Club, some chick named Leah, who'd admitted to spiking a drink meant for Edward. I guess karma had finally gotten back at Emmett for his drink stealing ways. In some ways it was good news; it meant that Emmett probably wasn't targeted by some gay rapist. Although the anal swabs he endured had been negative, I knew he was really worried he'd been raped.

We'd just found out, right before we entered the senior Cullen' residence, who had provided the drugs to Leah and the instruction to spike Edward's drink.

My fair cousin, Rosalie.

The police were right now interviewing her as we were speaking to Esme. I sincerely hoped they locked her up and threw away the damn key.

My cousin had gone too far this time. She was beyond help.

But I knew Emmett was going to everything in his power to help her. The idiot.

Fuck.

**Emmett POV**

"So you have to tell me everything," exclaimed Esme. "I promised Carlisle that I wouldn't pester you with questions until Emmett was out of the hospital, but now I have got to know why my eldest child ended up getting drugged with a date rape drug at his birthday party."

I choked, suddenly unable to breathe.. What could I tell my mother? That the woman I loved might have tried to drug my brother. That I didn't know the reason behind her actions.

That I'd spent the last three days desperately trying to remember what happened on my birthday night.

That I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. Because pretending to be normal made me feel claustrophobic in my own damn skin.

That I wanted to be in the polite station demanding answers from Rosalie, right along side the detectives. That I wanted to protect my Rosie from their accusations.

"What happened, Emmett?" my mother persisted.

I set down the alcoholic beverage she'd trust into my hand. It would be a while before I felt like drinking anything with alcohol again. Plus, it would be a while before my liver and kidneys could handle it. It was probably a testament to how upset my mother was that she'd hand me my normal Saturday dinner drink, rum and coke.

I shuddered as I looked at the glass. It would also be a while before I drank anything that someone else poured for me. Even if it was my own mother who was doing the pouring.

"Emmett?"

"Edward must have pissed off someone at the club. The bartender was paid to spike Edward's drink."

My mother gasped and covered her face in horror.

"And I, being the lovable jerk that I am," I continued stoically, "I stole it out of his hands before he could have more than a sip and downed it myself. It's a good thing too, because we know that with Edward's pansy ass allergies, it might have killed him."

"Oh, my poor babies," my mother gasped. She reached over and pulled me into a hug.

It felt really good to be in her arms, even if she had to yank me down to be able to give me the hug.

"How are you doing, sweetie?"

I pulled my mom onto my lap and sat down, so she could keep her arms around me and I could lean into warmth her strength. It was the first time in a week that I felt safe.

Thank God for my mother.

Jasper excused himself and left the room. I was grateful that he'd given me some privacy to have my breakdown. I hadn't cried on my mother's shoulder since I was a kid, and back then I sat on her lap.

She rubbed by back and whispered sweet, soothing platitudes.

After a while I felt myself relax, and I was able to actually think for the first time in a week. _How could Rosie have done this to me? What had Edward done to deserve having his drink spiked? Was I supposed to be an intended victim as well? _It looked doubtful now that someone had raped me while I was incoherent, but I couldn't be sure because I couldn't remember.That evening was a blank hole in my memory.

I kept circling back to why. What was Rosie's reasoning behind spiking Edward's drink with a date rape drug? Revenge? Was Rosie so psychotic that she thought it was a good idea to actually harm someone?

I started to softly sob again. Because on top of the fear and anger I felt, my heart was breaking. _How could I love a woman who would do this to my brother? How could she violate our friendship like this?_ I knew she didn't love me, but this was proof that our friendship meant so little to her.

Again, my mind circled to the why. And I knew what I needed to do. I'd spent a week wallowing in fear and anger, really leaning on Jasper to get me through the day: to make my decisions, to make sure I ate, slept, etc. This was the most emo I'd ever been in my life, damnit!

It was time for me to shake off this shit, and take action. I needed answers, and I needed them now. I raised my head and looked into the warm, concerned eyes, reddened by tears that were freely flowing down my mother's cheeks.

"Mom, the police think they know who did it," I told her. "They're questioning the person now at the PD."

My mother gasped, and the fingers that had been gently stroking my hair suddenly yanked it hard.

"Ow!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry," my mother murmured, and the stroking commenced. "Who did this?" she demanded fiercely. "Who hurt my babies?"

"I don't know much," I hedged, even in my present state unable to blame Rosalie. "Thank you for letting my have my nervous breakdown. I've realized I need to get down to the station and find out exactly what happened."

"Emmett, I am always here for you," my mother squeezed me hard. Or tried to, since her slight frame barely encircled my chest. For the first time in a week, I smiled.

"I feel better," I admitted. "And I am tired of feeling afraid, I want… I want to stop being a victim and start _doing_ something."

"I don't know if storming off to the station is really going to give you the answers you need. The police tend to be pretty close mouthed when they're in the center of an investigation."

"Mom, wow, since when have you become an expert on police procedure?"

She blushed a little. "Law and Order is my guilty pleasure. I think Sam, the prosecutor, is hot."

Wow, my mother had hidden depths.

"I've got to something, mom," I murmured. "I am going crazy just sitting here."

"Alright," she sighed. "Given the circumstances, you are excused from Saturday dinner. But you're going to miss meeting Alice's young man."

For a second, I was torn. Between my desire for the truth and my need to put the fear of God into Alice's boy friend. The need for answers won out, but I promised myself a good smack down once this was resolved.

I gently placed my mother on her feet and bellowed for Jasper.

"I am so glad you have Jasper, baby," my mother said with a laugh. "He has been a real rock through this whole thing, hasn't he?"

"I definitely owe him big time," I replied, without really thinking about the ramifications of what I said.

"I'm sure he'll find some way to repay me, Esme," the smartass said with an exaggerated Southern drawl as he entered into the room. He sent me a quick air kiss and then winked at my mother. She dissolved into giggles.

"Oh, I'll repay you alright," I replied, my shit eating grin that had been absent for so long springing onto my face. I welcome its feel and the feeling of joy that I got from ragging on Jasper. I stuck out my tongue and let it shimmy around a bit.

Jasper actually blanched. In disgust, I know, but I knew my mother would completed misinterpret it for lust. _See why this is so much fun?_

"Too much information!" my mother cried. And then she smiled as us both. "I am so glad this… situation hasn't made things difficult for you two. That you two can still… do that kind of stuff."

Strike. Me. Dead. Now. My mother was taking about me and Jasper having sex. My mother talking about sex period was disturbing, but now she was overjoyed that Jazz and I were getting it on.

"Mo-om," I complained, totally mortified.

"Don't worry, Esme," Jasper said. Oh, shit, I recognize that look on his face: I am definitely in for it now. "I still find Emmett as sexy as I did when we first hooked up."

Bastard.

My mom actually simpered, as if this was the most romantic declaration ever.

"You bellowed for me, my love," Jasper asked. His face was turning a strange shade of red, and I knew that he was trying to keep from busting out laughing.

Strangely, I felt the exact same way.

"Baby, mom has excused us from Saturday dinner," I told him. He raised an eyebrow in surprise. Saturday dinners were mandatory, and there were very few excuses (practically none) that allowed us to miss out.

I went to stand beside him and started to rub his lower back. Jazz turned his head so my mother couldn't see his face and shot me a death glare. Ah, revenge is sweet.

"I need to go to the police station to find out what is happening." I replied.

"Yeah, let's go kick my cousin's ass, baby," Jasper replied. Anger radiated out of his gray eyes.

"Y-your cousin?" my mother asked.

Ah, shit.

"Yeah, my bitch of a cousin, Rosalie," he replied.

It just happened. Jazz had insulted my love, and I just reacted, the need to defend her honor deeply ingrained in me. Without thinking, I took a swing at him.

Thank God the craziness of this week meant I hadn't eaten much (or slept or bathed), because my normally coordinated muscles were rusty and my reflexes were markedly slow. Jasper must have seen my punch from a mile away, because he was able to sidestep it easily and bring his arms around me. He then swept me down onto my back, so that I looked up at him.

He lowered his head so that his mouth was at my ear. I am sure the whole thing looked to my mother as if we were passionately embracing, because I didn't hear any protests from her.

"Tell me you're not still thinking you're in love with that bitch," Jasper demanded softly.

I growled in response.

"Emmett, I am doing this for your own good," he replied.

He then lowered his head and gave me a hard kiss. Thank God there was no tongue. Because we had an audience, I allowed him to do it without any struggle. I was really, really glad he had to tolerate my BO this close up. It was a small revenge, but it was all I could manage.

Jasper swept me back up onto my feet, but he kept his arms locked firmly around me. Coward.

"Esme, I have some great news for you," he exclaimed with a huge grin. The bloody fool was a great actor—he sounded excited and happy. "Emmett has just agreed to become my husband. We're getting married!"

My mother squealed. Loudly.

Fuck.

**Happy New Year's! **

**Go ahead and throw tomatoes. I will be updating this story when I am able. I am now a junior validation beta for Twilighted and I love guiding new fanfiction authors more than I ever thought possible! But it is eating up a lot of my writing time. Don't worry, though, this story keeps haunting me so I will continue to write it. **

**For people who love A&J stories (like me) or who want to enter a contest about A&J, check out ****www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2128870/**** The deadline for entries is January 15, 2010. **

**Lastly, for recommendations and reviews on fanfiction stories, I love ****www(dot)rosearcadia(dot)blogspot(dot) com/?zx=e84dabd00cd17bb7**** Of course, it is run by my best friend, RoseArcadia, but I really respect her taste. Along with each review is a cool banner she's created for each story. **

**Next chapter will be told from Rosalie's POV. Can I redeem her? Should she be redeemed? **


	13. Chapter 13: Petit Four

**Rosalie POV**

Was there some rule about keeping a perp under hot lights, sweating? Thank goodness people can't smell interrogation rooms through their televisions or cop dramas just wouldn't be all that popular.

And if you thought small rooms with poor ventilation and overflowing ash trays smelled bad, that was nothing in comparison to the bouquet of smells one could find in the back of a patrol car: a putrid combo of urine, vomit, and stale human BO.

So this is what it was like to be a criminal. Funny, when I pictured it before I never figured in the smells.

Or how fucking exhausting it would be to be questioned over and over again by the same two goons with badges.

I was just so tired. I know now that I should have actually listened to my lawyer. But it's too late. I thought if I just told the truth that I'd get to assuage my guilt and maybe they'd take it easy on me.

Yeah, I should have been watching more of those cop shows.

Right now I was so very, very tired. I just wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away.

Rosalie Hale, drug purveyor.

Even before the questions began, I'd felt worse than I ever had in my life. In fact, I'd felt like shit since I woke up on Saturday to my never-ending nightmare. One, I could only blame on myself.

For the past week, I'd been a zombie, refusing to work, unable to eat or sleep. God, the nightmares alone… My guilt was eating me alive and I had no idea what to do with it. Rosalie Hale didn't do guilt.

But, fuck, I'd almost killed Eddie, who at worst was an annoying gnat. And I'd basically raped my best friend, one of the few true relationships in my life.

"So let's take it from the top again," said the tall, skinny Hispanic cop who'd been hammering with questions for the last three hours. He was obviously playing the bad cop in this little travesty. _Saldivar_ I think was his name.

I managed to hold down the bile in my stomach, but just barely.

"We just need to make sure we have your story straight so that we can type up your statement," put in the frizzy red headed cop. _McCumber_. She was the good cop. I guess they thought I'd identify with her. Female solidarity and all. Too bad they didn't know the only bitches I trusted in the world were Bella and Emmett. "We should be able to rap this up pretty quickly."

"Ms. Hale is fully cooperating with law enforcement, but, as you can clearly see, she is exhausted," put in my attorney, Jason Jenks. I'd had hired the biggest shark with the best reputation for winning. He was a total asshole. Ten thousand dollars to be here by my side and I was ignoring his advice.

I now knew they wouldn't go easier on me because I was singing like a canary. That was obvious from the nerve jumping in Jenk's forehead. I just wanted to relieve the knot of lead that was in my stomach. I just wanted it to go away.

Fuck, I deserved to go to jail.

"We could stop right now," McCumber said. "But we'd have to bring Ms. Hale back again tomorrow."

Bitch.

I waived Jenks away before he could respond. "No, let's just get this over with."

Saldivar leaned over and placed a tape recorder on the table. "Then you don't mind if we put this on tape, do you? That way you won't have to repeat your story again."

"That is out of the question…" Jenks began, his face turning red from his supposed indignation.

"I'll do it," I interrupted. "Let's just get this over with." I repeated.

Jenks shot me a dark glare. I gave him my biggest I'm-the-biggest-bitch-in-the=pond glare and he shut the fuck up.

"This is Detective David Saldivar and Detective Megan McCumber. It is the 4th day of October, 2010, and we're conducting an interview at the police department in interview room one. We are conducting an interview with person of interest, Rosalie Hale. She has been mirandized and made aware of her rights. Additionally, Ms. Hale has her attorney present, Mr. Jason Jenks."

Jenks huffed, loudly, at his inclusion, a clear indication he wasn't happy with what was going on.

Join the fucking club.

"Ms. Hale, you are here voluntarily, correct?" asked McCumber evenly.

"Yeah," I responded.

"You've been apprised of your Miranda rights, correct?"

"Yeah."

"You are agreeing to speak with us voluntarily, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Tell us, Ms. Hale, in your own words, what happened?"

Boy, was that a broad question. What had happened with my life? How the fuck had I been at the top to fall down so low?

But I'd answered these questions enough times to know what they fucking wanted. I took a deep breath and tried to keep my tone even. "On September 19th, I was planning my best friend, Emmett Cullen's birthday party. I decided to play hooky from work and try to find a gag gift for him."

"For Emmett Cullen."

"Yeah.

"Where did you go?"

"I decided to hit the shops downtown. I went to the _Condoms To Go_."

"For the record, where is the _Condoms To Go_ located?" Saldivar asked, his expression solemn but I could see the humor in his eyes.

"It is located between 4th and 5th street off of MLK."

"So what happened next?"

"I placed an order for a personalized Swedish penis pump for Emmett and I was feeling pretty keyed up." I sighed and rolled my head around, trying to loosen the tight feelings in my shoulders.

"Then Edward Cullen, Emmett's brother called. He'd been bothering me almost daily with really stupid questions and ideas for the party."

"And this was a problem?" asked McCumber, almost sweetly.

"I honestly don't have a problem with Eddie cause I really don't ever have to be around him normally. He's palatable in really small doses."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's just really stuffy and conservative. But he'll bang anything in a skirt. And all his ideas would have been better suited for a four year birthday's party at Chuck E. Cheese's."

"How long did you speak with Mr. Edward Cullen on the phone?"

"About five minutes before I told him to fuck off and I hung up."

"Then what happened?"

"I decided to wander around the outside vendors. You know, to blow off steam. And that's when I met him…"

"Please describe him."

"Um, I think he was just about six feet tall, with long stringy blond hair that he pulled back into a pony tail. He had close, inset grey eyes and high cheek bones."

"Is this the person you met?" asked Saldivar.

I stared at the photograph that I'd picked out from a lineup of mug shots earlier that day.

"Yes, that's him."

"How did you come in contact with him?"

"He had a table at the outdoor market. He saw me walking by and recognized me."

"Was he in front of any store or distinguishable landmark?"

"His table was set up in front of the Vintage Emporium."

"What happened?"

As I repeated the answers I had already given a zillion times before, I thought back to that day. It had been bright and unseasonably warm. I'd felt like a million dollars in my sundress and oversized glasses, my hair gathered up in a loose bun. I'd been still nursing my anger towards Jerkward (I'd neglected to tell the cops about my little nickname for my least favorite Cullen), but it was lessening in the face of the bright sounds and delicious smells of the wares for sale along the street.

"Hey, are you that famous photographer?" called a male voice.

The question made me pause for a second. Could he mean me? Couldn't be. Most people recognized me for being a model, many with fond memories of my Playboy Playmate centerfold spread. Nah, it wasn't me. I continued walking.

Movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I realized that some guy was walking beside me, trying to get my attention.

"You're Rosalie Hale, right?"

I stepped to the side, out of the flow of passerbys, and assessed the man. He was a pasty white guy with shoulder length, slightly greasy blond hair pulled back into a rubber band. He was wearing a black leather jacket, even in the heat, which is probably why he'd doused himself with patchouli.

"Yeah, I caught your showing at _Pacey's_," he said with a big smile. "Your work really blew my mind."

Aw, artsy type. Figures. _Pacey's_ was an art gallery where I'd displayed some of my non commercial photographs last year. It attracted the _avant garde_ types who fancied themselves artists.

Fucking flakes.

"Guilty," I said, returning his smile, but not too brightly. It was awesome that I had a fan of my work, but there was no way that I wanted to become well acquainted with this guy.

"I bought one of your pieces," he replied.

Okay, I could afford to spend a little bit more time in this guy's presence. My pieces were not inexpensive. I guess he was an eccentric smelly artist, as opposed to a smelly starving artist wannabe. Funny how money could make all the difference in the world.

"I'm glad you liked my work," I replied.

"Would you mind autographing it for me?"

"You have the photograph here?"

"At my booth. It's one of my prize possessions. I'm an artist and I sell some of my stuff here."

Ah, smelly rich boy slumming it.

"Where is your booth?"

"About half a block down, in front of the Vintage Emporium."

What the hell. I'd cleared the day, but I'd already gotten Emmie's gift. I could afford to be distracted for a bit.

"Sure, I'd be happy to sign your picture."

He bowed and offered me his arm, and even I wasn't rude enough to turn down such a polite offer. But I did hold my breath for almost the entire walk. Mentally, I rearranged my schedule so that the next item on the agenda would be to go home and try to wash the stink off.

"Here's my booth," he announced and I was dismayed to see that booth was too grandiose a term. He really had a card table set up with a series of paintings propped up. The paintings were disturbing to say the least, and featured severed body parts and French pastries.

"What do you think?" he asked proudly. Tact was definitely not my forte.

"Um, it's very interesting," I said, stressing the last word while I tried to think of adjectives. I couldn't bring myself to lie, but I didn't want to offend my benefactor either. "Your composition is compelling and your images are striking."

"I knew you'd appreciate my work," he crowed.

Sure, buddy.

"I have an appointment I have to get to," I fibbed. "Do you have the picture for me to sign?"

He reached into a beat up khaki backpack with the name Berryman stitched on the side. He reached in a pulled out one of my shots. It was extremely crumpled.

I searched my purse for a pen, found a nice black one, and asked, "Who should I make it out to?"

"James," he said, the wide smile still plastered on his face. Maybe it was because we were standing right by a severed ear on a _petit four_, but I thought his smile looked sinister.

I decided to forgo being creative for a simple, "To James, From Rosalie."

"Here you go," I shoved the picture at him.

"This is awesome," he crowed. "Thank you so much. And now I have to give you something in return."

Before I could protest, he dove back into his backpack and pulled out a vial.

"I'm sure you don't need this, but I got this in exchange for one of my paintings this morning from a herbalist."

" Uh, thanks but I don't do drugs." Anymore, anyway. What happens in Moscow, stays in Moscow.

James burst out laughing. "It's not a drug. It's a love potion."

"Ok," I said slowly, examining the small vial filled with pink liquid. Honestly, it looked like Pepto-Bismol.

"Well, it helps you relax so you can find your true love. Really it just helps get you in the party mood," James insisted. "It's made out of ancient Chinese drugs by my friend who does acupuncture."

"Is it safe?"

"Sire, I've used it before," James said. "Sadly, I did not find my true love but it was like I was really happy and relaxed, you know?"

Not really. But I didn't want to engage the smelly, eccentric artist. I just wanted to escape.

So I put the vial in my purse and forgot about it.

Or least I had until the day of the party when Jerkward and I had argued all day long over balloons.

I mean balloons—what were we, teenagers? Gah.

I'd been wishing for a way to make him less of a stick in the mud and I'd remembered my friendly little pink vial.

"I just wanted him to loosen up a bit and get off my ass."

"Why did you direct Leah to give the love point to Edward Cullen of all people? Did you want him to fall in love with you?"

The question took me by surprise. It was the first time the detectives had not asked a question they'd already asked at least one time before. The idea of me and Edward Cullen was such a weird thought that I burst out laughing.

"God, no, he's such a dork. And a male slut."

Jenks looked at my disapprovingly. I rolled my eyes at him.

"So why give Edward a love potion? Why not just buy him a beer?"

I squirmed in my chair, my collar suddenly felt tighter, and the overhead lights hotter.

"Because I was trying to set Edward up with someone."

"Who was that person?"

"Bella, my roommate."

"She's an ex model too, right?" Saldivar asked. Behind his police mask of a stern face, I swear I could see him leering at me.

Pig. Imagine that a cop could be a pig.

I was delirious enough to think that was funny and I giggled.

"We don't show that Bella attended the party," McCumber said. "Where was she? I didn't see her on the VIP guest list and none of our witnesses id'd her."

"Oh, she was there. She was just in disguise."

Ok, so my brilliant plan sounded really stupid when I said it out loud.

"In disguise?" asked Saldivar, his voice dripping with disbelief.

"Yep," I answered, feeling really stupid. "She was wearing a wig and some spray tan, and I used makeup to change her facial features a bit."

"Why did you want to set Mr. Cullen and your roommate up?"

"Because she's crazy about him. But it took her two years to even consider busting a move on her boss. The only way I could get her to give into her desires was to disguise her so there was no risk of rejection. She could still face him at work on Monday if things didn't work out."

I looked at their faces. McCumber understood. Saldivar, the pig, did not.

"Are you sure you weren't trying to entrap Mr. Cullen? Maybe get him so messed that he does your friend, and low and behold there are some slimy pictures?" he snarled at me.

Jenks jumped up and protested "I object to this accusation, Ms. Hale is…"

"Ms. Hale has just admitted to attempting to drug Mr. Cullen. We have enough probable cause right now to arrest her. I am giving her a chance to explain her side of things." Saldivar said coolly.

"Ms. Hale was an innocent duped by a predator. She did not have the intent to harm anyone, she…"

"Wait," I interrupted. "Let me just answer their questions. I… I want to answer their questions. The Detective is right, I did give Edward that drug. My stupidity almost killed him."

Jenks started sputtering at my admissions and turned a strange shade of puce.

"But I want you to know as much as Edward pisses me off, I wouldn't ever harm him. I, mean, he's the brother of my best friend, and the object of lust for my roommate. I didn't really think the drug would work, but I… I really hoped it would. I wanted him to fall in love with Bella and make her happy. I actually think he'd be kind of perfect for her."

"Even though he's a stick in the mud and a male slut?"

"Yes, even though. I've had to listen to her moon over this guy for almost two years. I thought if she got him, she could either figure out he was a jerk or live happily ever after. But at least I wouldn't have to hear the same crap over and over again."

Saldivar gave me a look as if he didn't believe one word I was saying.

"What was the name Bella used that evening?"

"Tanya."

I heard what sounded like a yelp, and cocked my head. That was strange, where did that noise come from? I studied the large one way glass and wondered who was watching this interview.

I must have zoned as I tried to stare through the glass.

"Ms. Hale, Ms. Hale," she was repeating. "Is there anything you want to add?"

Like that I raped my own gay BFF? Hell, no. Even a guilty conscience wasn't going to get me to pony up to that one.

I shook my head, back and forth.

"Can you please say that out loud for the record?"

"No."

"I think we have enough for now. We're going to ask you to wait a bit in Detective Saldivar's office with your attorney."

I followed them out of the room, down several crowded hallways, and into a small, cramped office dwarfed by an oversized desk overflowing with files.

Jenks and I sat in the uncomfortable arm chairs in front of the desk.

"We'll be right back," promised McCumber. She gave me a sympathetic look.

Fuck.

Once they were gone, Jenks turned to me, "Ms. Hale, I am disappointed in you. You chose to disregard my counsel, and I fear there is very little I can do for you now. Your excuse about that James character was flimsy at best."

Fuck.

I refused to show the asshole how upset I was and simply stared forward. At least I was out of the interrogation room. I concentrated on thinking about the beaches in Aruba and how much I loved having the wind caress my skin and sun soak into my body.

But I had a feeling I was going to have to get used to smelly, small places with poor ventilation.

Fuck. _Petit four_ with a severed finger fuck.

* * *

**McCumber POV**

"So that was Ms. Rosalie Hale," sighed Saldivar, a lustful look on his face. "Hot damn! She looks just as good as she did in that Playboy spread."

"Maybe you should try to get her to autograph my magazine," yelled Johnston from the back of the bullpen.

"Maybe you should get her to autograph your dick," chortled Pattinson.

We all groaned at that one.

"You're one sick perv," I shot back.

"And you know you love me, McCumber," he replied, leering and wiggling his bushy eyebrows at me.

"Love you when your gone, more like," I responded sweetly, and blew him a kiss.

We all broke into loud guffaws. Cop humor. It honestly was nice that I was just one of the guys.

"Settle down everyone," ordered Captain Mac. "We've got a mini celebrity in our building and the Chief wants us to wrap this up ASAP before the paps descend. Report. McCumber?"

It felt good that she was lead on this case. Saldivar had graciously let it be her case even though it was high profile. She owed him a beer for sure tonight.

She took a deep breath and reported: Just completed interview with primary person of interest in the case. We have her locked into her story. We've been able to interview almost all collaterals, including the vics, the bartender, and other party goers. All back up the primary's version of events."

Cap nodded so she continued.

"Primary identified James Flowers as the guy who gave her the date rape drug. He told her it was a love potion. She targeted Edward Cullen, brother to Emmett Cullen, because she wanted him to hook up with her roommate."

I used a dry tone, to show all the turds in the room I thought the next part was fucking hilarious.

"She dressed her roommate in disguise so that her roommate could bust a move on Edward Cullen, and, if he rejected her, still be able to face him in the office on Monday. Her roommate is also a former model. Swim suits."

Every single guy in the room but the cap reacted audibly to that one. I ignored the moans and catcalls.

"James Flowers has a long rap sheet. He's a trust fund baby who's been convicted for battery and rape in Texas. He served hard time for drugging a woman with rohipnol and then torturing her for days. He cut off her fingers and placed them on an éclair and then painted the damn things. He claimed it was art."

I took a deep breath to cool down. Cops needed to be calm and collected even when dealing with horrific crap like this. I looked around and noted that every cop in the room was silent, stoic, paying attention.

"He is also the lead suspect in at least two other murders that have happened in this area and a person of interest in a third."

"Oh, shit," interrupted Pattison. "He's the Vampire."

I sighed. "Yeah, we believe so."

"This is big, McCumber," said the Cap. "We need to keep on this. Ms. Hale may be the Vampire's next target."

"We'll set up a team. We'll also talk to Ms. Hale about getting some security."

"She's certainly rich enough to afford it," muttered Saldivar.

"Anything else you want to add, McCumber?"

"Saldivar and I couldn't figure out why the primary was able to give so many details about her activities up until the actual birthday party for Edward Cullen. It seemed uncharacteristic that she would be hazy on so much of the evening, even if she'd been heavily intoxicated. At first we thought she was hiding something. We decided to send her blood work to the lab. And we discovered two things."

I looked around and enjoyed the attention I was receiving. Only Saldivar looked bored, but then again he already knew what I was about to say.

"First, it looks like the primary was looking for love too. We found traces of Rohipnol in her blood stream."

"I'm right here, baby," catcalled Pattinson. "No need to go looking for love anywhere else."

"Second, Ms. Hale's blood showed elevated hormone levels, which are generally associated with the early signs of a pregnancy. So the Vampire's next target is a semi celebrity who is most likely pregnant."

"Fuck."

For once, I completely agreed with Pattinson. Fuck indeed.

**Author's notes: **

**Any guesses as to who was watching Rosalie's interview? And what they'll do with that info? Bruahahaha. **

**No, this is not going to turn in a JD Robb story. But ELS is a mishmash of storylines. We will be getting to the costume ball pretty quickly.**

**Because I heart these ladies, this chapter is dedicated to Conty, Kirmit (and her alter ego), TallulahBelle, MaleficentKnits, Owenic, Kikikinz, and Bikerbabe. It is amazing how many friendships I have developed through fanfiction. And a HUGE hug to my own BFF, RoseArcadia, who is my soundboard and beta. **

**I would also like to thank everyone who has reviewed. I get the best inspiration from your words. :)**


	14. Chapter 14:: Guys need comfort food

**Edward's POV**

We were back at _Le Madeleine's_. Hey, guys need comfort food too.

"I'm so confused," moaned Emmett. Then he burped, mumbled an excuse me and commenced eating the restaurant out of every pastry it had.

"Let me see if I can break this all down." Professor Hale was in full mode and about to go into his lists. Most of the time I hated when he went all teacher on our asses, but right now I was hoping he could pull our heads out of our asses. I was as confused as Emmett. And in shock. And hopeful. And confused.

"First, Alice and Bella are not together. They are not lesbians," said Jasper, sticking one finger up.

How is it that I was disappointed and yet relieved at the same time because of that? Shit, I am such a guy.

"Second, Alice is dating a guy we know nothing about, and she's introduced him to your parents at the weekly Saturday dinner."

Emmett paused from stuffing a strawberry in his pie hole and growled. Alice's new boyfriend was so in trouble. Maybe I could hold him down for Emmett.

"Third, Bella has the hots for Eddie here. She wants him enough to don a disguise in the hopes that he would not recognize her and she could hit on him to her heart's content."

Emmett turned to me, "Dude, how can you not have recognized your secretary?"

"Assistant," I corrected him. "Remember, I was under the influence of a date rape drug."

"You got, like what, a smidgen of it?" crowed Emmett. "Dude, I was tanked on it, and _I _knew she was Bella. I just thought she'd gone to a spa or something to get dolled up." Apparently, pointing out my stupidity meant more than wallowing and stuffing his mouth.

"Spa?" I replied, around the potato chips I'd stuffed in my mouth. "Fuck, are you sure you and Jasper aren't going at it like rabbits?"

Both Jasper and Emmett flicked me off at the exact same time.

"Awwww, that's so sweet. I think that a perfect pose for your engagement photo."

Both guys visibility paled under my teasing.

"Damn," Jasper said putting his head in his hands.

"What the fuck was that about, anyway, ya' dumbass?" bellowed Emmett. "Why the hell did you tell my mom we were getting hitched?"

"I wanted to protect you from Rosalie," replied Jasper. It was odd because he such a straight forward guy, but he was refusing to look up from his food.

Emmett moved so quickly, I was amazed. He's a big, easy going guy generally. And yet he didn't project his move at all. He pulled Jasper's seat out from under him, leaving my best friend sprawled out on the floor.

I grabbed Emmett before he could start pounding on Jasper, because he looked pissed. I could almost see steam rising from the top of his head.

"Partner abuse," Jasper said softly. "I thought she'd hurt you and Eddie, Emmett. She's my cousin, she's a Hale. We come from the same gene pool. We're gorgeous on the outside but really fucked up on the inside."

"Conceited much, you douche?" asked Emmett, but I felt him relax so I thought it was okay to let him go. Big mistake.

He sucker punched Jasper in the gut, which made a sickening splat sound.

Jasper groaned and curled up under our table. Emmett calmly sat back down on his chair, his eyes daring me to say anything. With the crazy he was projecting I decided to stay sitting right were I was.

Besides, by the whimpering noises he was making, I judged that Jasper was still breathing and would probably live.

"Let's get back to the list of what we discovered," boomed Emmett, before stuffing a jelly coated piece of bread into his mouth. "Fifth, we found out Rosalie thinks Edward is a jerk and male slut,"

"Sixth," I interrupted. "We found out that the two women I've been obsessing over----

"Seventh," boomed Emmett, "We found out Eddie screams like a girl when he's excited."

I actually blushed. "Sorry, I just couldn't believe Bella was…is Tanya. I mean I've been unbelievably confounded by the idea that I could be in love with Bella and yet still have feelings for Tanya."

"Dude, do I fucking look like Oprah? I don't give a flying flip about your feelings. You almost blew our cover--you know we weren't supposed to be watching the interview. Pattinson was trying to do us a solid. And you had to freaking scream like a fourth grader."

"Emmett," Jasper slowly lifted himself up off the floor and righted his chair before gingerly sitting down. "Stop whining, you pansy. The cops said they're not going to be charging Rosalie with anything."

Emmett sighed and stretched.

"Cause you being stupid isn't a criminal offense," added Jasper, snidely.

And they were off pounding on each other again.

I saw the waitress heading over to us and gathered up my stuff. I started walking to the door, only pausing for a second when I heard "Partner Abuse," and "Sure, call the cops. Make sure you ask for Pattinson."

Emmett needed to get over the fact that Rosalie didn't want to see him anytime soon, even though she had a psycho killer on her ass. And Jasper needed…. Hell, Jasper was just a tool.

I kept walking.

Fucking morons.

*******

**Jasper POV**

I stormed out of _La Madeleine's _shortly after Edward, leaving Emmett to eat his weight in heart shaped raspberry tarts and moon over my cousin.

And I walked.

Block after block, letting off steam. At a snail's pace, because my gut still hurt from Emmett's sucker punch.

How the hell had everything turned to shit so quickly?

It was all Alice's fault. She had to turn sexy overnight. And now I had to deal with my attraction to her _and_ deal with the fiasco next week when I'd get my heart crushed and handed to me on a silver platter.

I had to watch the love of my life cuddle with her husband as we all toasted their happy marriage.

Esme.

My chest hurt and my eyes stung just thinking about her.

I closed my eyes, and bumped into someone walking down the street. The guy muttered a curse at me, and I decided to sit at the bus stop to think.

_Ok, where was I? Closing eyes for flashback memory, right._

I closed my eyes and was trying to picture my love's features, when an image of Alice—naked—popped into my head.

What kind of sick fuck was I? Thinking these kinds of thoughts about her, remembering her exquisite taste when I'd promised myself to her mother?

I focused and tried to remember the first time that I felt more than motherly feelings for my best friend's mom. MILF, indeed.

I'd been sixteen, sitting at the kitchen table, ignoring Alice who sat across from me. She just kept staring at me, making me super uncomfortable since I was painfully aware of the big zit I had on the tip of my nose.

"Edward, man," I bellowed at the top of my voice so hopefully the schmuck would hear me through the bathroom door. What the hell was he doing there? "What's the holdup?"

Ms. C turned from her position at the counter where she'd been making dinner and shot me a quelling look. Ms. C did not approve of people yelling in her house.

"Sorry, Mrs. C," I muttered.

She sighed, turned around, and bent down to pick up something from the bottom cabinet.

And I forgot to breathe. All the blood in m body rushed into 2 parts: my brain and Lil' J. Who quickly became Big Hard J.

Ms. C stood up and it was weird because suddenly there was air blowing her hair all around her head and she was backlit by a sparkly white light. Was that a saxophone I heard playing?

"Jasper," she purred, as she rubbed her hands over her body. "I see how you're looking at me now and I want you. I want to make you a man."

I gulped. I turned frantically to my right and saw that Alice had disappeared. Strange. But unimportant.

I turned back and saw Ms. C advancing slowly towards me, unhurriedly undoing button after button of her cardigan and suggestively licking her lips. She paused and started to draw her sweater open.

_Thank you, sweet angels, come to papa._ I leaned forward and…

Fell off my chair. I shook my head, to clear it. And realized that I had been daydreaming.

And there I lay sprawled, with Big HARD J jutting out, in front of Edward, Emmett, Mrs. C and Alice.

It had started off as a crush, an infatuation. But over the years, my feelings had grown. Every girl I knew seemed so immature and coarse in comparison to my kind, sweet Esme.

And I not-so-patiently waited for Carlisle to fuck it up so I could sweep in and play white knight for my damsel in distress. And I waited. And now I am going to their motherfucking anniversary party and toasting his success.

Was I crushing on Alice now because my heart finally conceded that I would never have Esme? Would Alice be able to stand up to a comparison to her mother? Was I just looking for an Esme substitute? Was this fair to Alice?

I thought about her beautiful neck, the sounds she made as she orgasmed, and her honey taste and I knew I wanted her.

Esme's daughter. DILF.

Fuck.

*******

**Bella POV**

Fucking Edward.

I squirmed in my seat, trying to get some relief. Trying to rub that right spot against the hard upholstery of my officer chair.

How could he leave me high and dry? First, he revs my engine up at Emmett's ill fated party and then he leaves me without delivering one much needed orgasm. Tease.

I am so not, _not_ impressed that he was a gentleman once he'd escorted me home via cab—I had to leave my own car at the club overnight because I so would have been busted if he'd seen it. Very few people drive classic (read beat up) red pickup trucks. I am so not, _not_ impressed that he's called Tanya every night this past week. That's he's fallen for each of my excuses to not see each other in person but instead simply talk on the phone.

Hell, I had to call in sick two days last week so the temporary spray-on tan I wore to the party could wear off. And bathing in lemon juice is _so _not a good idea for a woman, as my hoohah painfully discovered. Thankfully, it'd had given me time to care for Rose.

Sigh. I sent a small prayer up on her behalf and wished her positive vibes.

_Ok, so getting back to my current predicament, I have decided I am pissed at Edward._ Because the whole freakin' point of Tanya was so I could get some. And then get him out of system and finally move on. Period. Exclamation point.

Mother fucking wanker. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I grabbed the report in front of me and covered my face it and opened my mouth to give a silent, frustrated scream.

I needed to chill, I knew that. I needed perspective and all that shit.

Goodness, my internal monologue was starting to sound like Rose.

And she's already given me a fairly solid piece of advice: invest in a really big dildo and a rabbit vibrator. As she pointed out, even spending the weekend with her and helping her put her life back together while getting used to the idea that a murderous bad guy might bust into our apartment at any time to torture and kill my best friend so he can use her body parts on pastries as inspiration for his bizarre art hadn't squelched my desire for some Edward sausage.

Even the hot, young policeman stationed outside our apartment door, for our round-the-clock _personal _protection, hadn't tempted me. Nor had it tempted Rosalie, which is strange. Of course she's still in shock.

But here was my very own chance to live out a Harlequin romance novel fantasy and all I wanted was Edward.

For sex. Period. Exclamation point.

When the hell had my friggin' life turned into a freakin' soap opera? Hell, last week my best friend almost killed two of my bosses and that was just the tip of the weird crap iceberg.

I opened my mouth up again and screamed silently for a good two minutes.

"Ms. Swan?" asked the smooth, masculine voice that I knew belonged to my boss. Damn, when had even his voice become sexy?

I slowly lowered the report, and felt a tidal wave of red flash across my face.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen?" I asked. Damn, my voice sounded husky. I cleared my throat. "How can I help you?"

He gave me a piercing look and what had been an innocent question, now dripped with innuendo.

"Are you feeling well?" he asked, sounding concerned.

"Yes, I'm fine," I replied, forcing a smile to my face.

"Well, then, Ms. Swan, would you do me the honor of being my date for my parent's anniversary party next week?"

"What?" I squawked.

"My parents are having a costume ball next weekend to celebrate their wedding anniversary. I was hoping you'd be my date," he replied softly.

I felt hypnotized by his stare. I knew about the party as I, like every other employee of Cullen Publishing, had received an invite. I just couldn't process the fact that _Edward_ was asking me to attend as his date. What about the fact that I was his assistant? What about Tanya, the gal he'd been romancing over the phone?

"Um, I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen, but I don't think that would be appropriate," I responded miserably.

Edward let out a sigh, and I could have sworn a look of hurt darted across his face.

"Very well," he replied formally, his face showing that a stick had become firmly lodged in his you-know-what. "Would you please send Veronica flowers this week? Please include on the card that I especially enjoyed Saturday."

I almost smiled in response. I knew that Edward wasn't sleeping with his harem. I still hadn't figured out who these women were, but I was positive Saturday night Edward had slept all alone in his bed. Cause he and I had fallen asleep on the phone. I needed to remember to ask who the ladies were when he had his next little chat with Tanya.

"Of course, Mr. Cullen," I responded briefly.

"Ms. Swan, I know you and Tanya are _very_ close," he stated, arching an eyebrow at me.

Who was this vixen that wanted to jump over my desk and lick an eyebrow?

"Yes," I responded. Damn, husky do-me voice was back.

"Do you think Tanya would accompany me to my parent's anniversary party?"

Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

**Blame TallulahBelle for Jasper's POV. She planted the idea by joking around about an Esme and Jasper encounter on the Twilighted forums. **

**Thanks for the reviews. They help keep me honest and inspire much of the craziness. I will (hopefully) be publishing the next chapter of GLLTVG this weekend.**

**Happy belated birthday, owenic! (who has written really funny, heartwarming stories on Twilighted). **


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